


Shattered Memberries

by MrMattimation



Category: South Park, Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-07
Updated: 2017-10-07
Packaged: 2019-01-10 07:38:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 47,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12294444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MrMattimation/pseuds/MrMattimation
Summary: Cartman claims to be the long-lost son of an alien refugee from another galaxy. Nobody buys it. Takes place shortly after South Park's 20th season and midway through Steven Universe's fourth season.Each chapter was written weekly over the course of twelve weeks for a different website, I'm only just now uploading it here so some of the jokes are pretty dated at this point.





	1. Refugee Puberty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cartman embarks on a magical quest... to become kewl.

It was a quiet February morning in the quiet little mountain town of South Park. The evergreen tree branches rustled slightly in the breeze, the birds sang while they went about their morning routines, and the various woodland critters hopped playfully in the seemingly permanent layer of snow that covered the town. On one ordinary street in this ordinarily unimportant town, three ordinary boys, as a part of their usual morning ritual, stood at an ordinary bus stop, awaiting an ordinary which would take them to their ordinary school to begin another ordinary day.

 

The three boys stood in relative silence, nothing particularly interesting crossing their minds as a conversation topic. One, Stan, a little ten year-old boy in a red poofball cap, was scrolling through Twitter to see what was in the news that day. The next, his best friend, Kyle, a young boy of Hebrew and Jersey descent wearing an orange coat and a green ushanka, was listening to a new album he’d bought off iTunes the previous day, having fully read the software’s terms of service beforehand. The third child, Kenny, a boy wrapped so tightly in an orange parka that some of his classmates weren't even entirely sure what his face looked like, seemed to be doing absolutely nothing at all besides staring off into space.

 

The fourth and final member of their group, nine year-old Eric Cartman, was nowhere to be found, but nobody seemed too bothered about that. It could be that they believed he’d been traveling to school with his girlfriend, Heidi Turner, but the more likely excuse was that none of them particularly liked Cartman. Indeed, the three of them were certain that, if little Eric went missing one day and was never found, their lives would be largely unaffected.

 

Stan broke the silence. “Mr. Garrison’s on Twitter again,” he said, unsurprised.

 

“Oh, God, what’s he saying now?” Kyle asked, exasperated.

 

Stan showed his phone to his friend.

 

_SEE YOU IN COURT, THE SANCTITY OF STAR WARS IS AT STAKE._

 

Kyle groaned. Over the last year, their former fourth-grade teacher, Mr. Herbert Garrison, led a successful campaign to get into the White House. Although he, for a period, openly endorsed his rival, a well-known Turd Sandwich, the American people believed that what they truly needed in their lives was a little bit of douche. Since his inauguration the previous month, he’d slowly been losing it. His latest blunder, that the boys knew of, was an Executive Order he signed which gave himself permission to personally fuck to death refugees from seven different countries in the Middle East, as well as refugees from Denmark, which was bleeding citizens fast after its largest economic superpower, a tech company known as Troll Trace, was destroyed, leaving thousands without jobs. The order, at this point, had been struck down by federal courts, but Garrison was still trying his damnedest to have the ruling overturned in appeals courts.

 

While the boys read President Garrison’s Twitter feed, Eric Cartman arrived with a smug look on his face. Noticing that nobody was paying attention to him, Eric feigned a yawn, which caused Kenny to glance at him. The parka-wearing boy returned his eyes to Stan’s phone. Now thoroughly annoyed, Cartman began his prepared speech, in hopes that his friends would listen.

 

“Man, you guys, the weirdest thing happened to me last night,” Cartman said with another yawn.

 

Kyle glanced at him. His eyes briefly looked down at Cartman’s posterior. “Did Visitors stick another probe up your ass?”

 

Cartman continued smirking, and rolled his eyes. “Mm, not quite.”

 

Kyle was confused by this statement. “What do you mean, ‘not quite’? Either they put stuff in your ass or they didn't, Cartman, there’s no in-between.”

 

Cartman smiled some more. “There were no Visitors, and nobody stuck anything in my ass.”

 

The boys glanced at each other. “There were, and they did,” Stan pointed out. Regardless of whether or not this was the case at the moment, it WAS true; Cartman had been abducted by Visitors, and they DID manage to fit a massive satellite dish into his butt. It all seemed so long ago now.

 

Cartman ignored him. “I found out who my mom is,” Cartman teased. The boys looked at each other again.

 

“Your mom is your mom,” Kyle said. “And Jack Tenorman is your father. You killed him.”

 

Cartman waggled a finger. “I did not kill Scott Tenorman’s parents, I simply disposed of the remains.” The boys shuddered. “And he’s not my father, my mom is. She’s a hermaphrodite, Dr. Mephisto said so.”

 

Stan pinched his nose bridge. “Cartman, you are so god damn stupid.”

 

Kyle was getting angrier and angrier. “She’s not a hermaphrodite, fatass, everyone made that up because the Denver Broncos were having a good season.”

 

Cartman smirked. “No, that story was made up too. You see, they told me Jack Tenorman was my father because the real truth was simply too shocking,” he said dramatically. “And what a shocker it was. Did you all know that I have officially hit puberty?”

 

The boys laughed. “What, did an eighth grader sell you his pubes again?” Stan mocked. Cartman glared.

 

“No. You see, I woke up this morning with something… very special.”

 

Cartman dramatically lifted his shirt. The boys all stared at the most peculiar object as the bus arrived. Cartman now appeared to have a new addition to his body; a shiny new rose-colored stone, placed right in his belly button.

 

Kyle looked at the stone, then looked back at Cartman. “You’re a dumbass,” he stated flatly before boarding the bus with Stan and Kenny.

 

Cartman continued smirking, then followed.

 

“Don't you guys want to know how I got it?”

 

“I already know how you got it, fatass.”

 

“How did I get it?”

 

“An eighth grader sold you a rock and told you it was a puberty stone,” Kyle said.

 

“Hmm, nice guess. But actually, I inherited this from my mom—my real mom,” Cartman added. He seemed really proud of this object, which was clearly just a rock he stuck in his belly button. “You see, she was an alien from another galaxy—”

 

“Oh, God,” Kyle groaned.

 

“—and she gave up her physical form to make me.”

 

“No, she didn't,” Kyle argued.

 

“Yuh huh, I have the video to prove it!”

 

“Well?”

 

“Well what?”

 

“You have your phone. Show it to me,” Kyle challenged.

 

Cartman’s eyes darted back and forth. “I-it’s at home. On a VHS. And all we have now is a Blu-Ray player.”

 

“Kenny has a VHS player,” Kyle pointed out. “We’ll just bring it to your house after school and we can watch it there.”

 

“No, you can't see it.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“I-it’s private.”

 

Kyle glared at Cartman, then decided to drop the subject entirely as he stared forward. He couldn't wait to get to school so that he wouldn't have to listen to this sociopath lie to him for another moment.

* * *

Meanwhile, South Park’s ShiTiPa Town district was as busy as ever as the town’s residents began their day as they begin every day; eating breakfast at one of the fine restaurants the district had to offer. Most notably, South Park’s own President Garrison was entertaining the Prime Minister of Japan in City Wok, which for some reason was very dimly lit this morning.

 

Garrison smiled at the Prime Minister. “You know, I am SO GLAD that we had a restaurant in South Park accommodating to your culture,” he beamed as the Prime Minister glanced uncomfortably around the restaurant, and at Lu Kim, who was glaring daggers at him. The Prime Minister then looked over at the ruins of what was once City Sushi, South Park’s only Japanese restaurant, before deciding not to point out that this was not, in fact, his “culture”. After all, he did not wish to anger the president, or his very… strange entourage, which consisted entirely of what appeared to be talking grapes.

 

“‘Member the Death Star?” one asked.

 

“‘Member Dantooine?” another added.

 

“‘Member the Expanded Universe?” a third one piled on.

 

“Oh, I loved the Expanded Universe!” the first one ‘membered fondly. “‘Member Zorba the Hutt?”

 

Mr. Garrison looked down at the highly classified documents in front of him. He frowned, realizing the lighting was too dim to see anything. “Hey, anyone got a light?” he asked. Almost immediately, several spectators pulled out their iPhones and flashed their lights on the document. Garrison smiled. “Gee, thanks,” he said, apparently not realizing that over half of the spectators were taking pictures. “So anyway, about those nukes you guys were asking about,” Mr. Garrison began, before his chief of security approached him.

 

“Mr. President, I’m sorry to interrupt,” he began, “but you’re needed back in Washington.”

 

“Oh, jeez, what is it now?” Garrison asked, slightly upset at the interruption. He specifically told his staff only to bug him if the fate of the world depended on it—and even then, only if they couldn't get Caitlyn to handle it for some reason.

 

“There’s no time to explain. You and the Prime Minister need to board Marine One right now.”

 

Before long, Garrison was aboard his personal helicopter, on his way to Washington. He glared at everyone else in the cabin.

 

“Whatever this is better be important, I was gonna score some major poon later,” the Commander in Chief said.

 

Two of his secret service agents glanced at each other. One of them spoke up. “Mr. President, this is a matter of national security. The FBI has reason to believe that members of your campaign were compromised by foreign intelligence prior to the election.”

 

“Which means…?”

 

“They were contacting foreign intelligence officials.”

 

“And that’s…?”

 

“Bad.”

 

Mr. Garrison looked at the two agents. “But… we won.”

 

“Well, yes, but-”

 

“But?” Mr. Garrison lowered his eyebrows and ate a member berry. “What’s the big deal, so my campaign was sucking Putin’s dick, it’s not like that's a crime.”

 

“It- it is a crime, sir.” The agent glanced at his comrade, who shrugged. “Besides that, we’re not talking about Russian interference, sir. We can handle that, we’ve been handling it for years.”

 

“So what was it? The Iranians?”

 

“Mr. President, we… we have reason to believe that members of your campaign were contacting intelligence officials from… someplace other than Earth.”

 

Garrison raised an eyebrow, then ate another member berry. “Oh, jeeeeez.”

* * *

 

Every one of South Park Elementary’s students was sitting in the gym, having been called down for some sort of assembly. The school’s principal, PC Principal stood in front of everyone, holding a microphone _incredibly_ close to his face. Every time he made a hard “p” noise, the speakers popped.

 

“Alright everyone,” he began, pacing the room as he spoke, “listen up. I know many of you are absolutely shocked and disgusted by the recent executive order affecting refugees.” Kyle glanced at Stan, who shrugged. PC Principal continued to pace. “Although federal courts have repeatedly struck the order down, we still need to stay informed. It’s not gone yet, and it won't go away unless we show those judges what we want as the American people. Here to present a speech on the importance of accepting refugees into our neighborhoods, is South Park’s own, Eric Cartman.”

 

The entire auditorium groaned upon hearing this, save for Heidi Turner, who shot her boyfriend a supportive smile and a thumbs up as he took the microphone from PC Principal.

 

“Good evening. Hello,” Cartman greeted, smiling at his classmates. “Illegal aliens are being treated like dirt in this country. It’s wrong. It’s wrong! How does it feel, David, being treated unfairly by your peers?” One of South Park’s Latino-American students, David Rodriguez, who was sitting in the front row, simply glared at Eric. “Come on, David. Come on, it’s okay. This is a safe space, David.” Cartman kept coaxing. “David? Don't wanna share your story, David?”

 

David stood up. “First of all, it’s pronounced _Dah-veed,_ fatass.”

 

Cartman blinked. “Okay, that last comment was unnecessary and hurtful, but continue?”

 

David continued. “Second of all, I was born in Boise. I’m an American like you.”

 

Cartman smiled. “That’s where you're wrong, David. For you see, I recently found something out about myself.”

 

Kyle put his face in his hands. “Oh, God, not this again,” he groaned.

 

“I, too, am an illegal alien, David.”

 

“I’m not an illegal.”

 

Cartman took a step back as the crowd stared at him in disbelief. “I know. I was shocked to learn it too. I am, in fact, a refugee. A refugee… from another planet.”

 

The entire auditorium fell silent. Wendy Testaburger raised her hand.

 

“Yes, Wendy?” Cartman pointed to her as she stood up.

 

“Are you mocking actual refugees, or are you just stupid?” she asked plainly, still in total disbelief at the completely asinine thing Cartman just said.

 

“I know it's a lot to take in, Wendy,” Cartman sighed. “I know it’s hard to believe. But I’m telling the truth. And I can prove it.” Cartman began unbuttoning his jacket, leaving only his undershirt on. “Ladies and gentlemen, prepare yourselves. This is quite shocking.” Cartman threw off his undershirt, now standing completely bare chested in front of the student body. Like before, he had a rock in his belly button. Everyone simply stared at him. “You see, recently, I reached puberty. I started noticing weird changes with my body. Changes that… Weren't normal for an ordinary human. It was then that I knew. I am only half human. My real mother is an alien from a faraway Galaxy, and thousands of years ago, she saved this planet.” He paced the room, showing off his navel stone. “Even I can't explain all of the changes I’m going through. Here to explain the changes that my body will be facing over the next few years, is the Canadian Minister of Health, Terry.”

 

A mustached Canadian man in a suit approached Cartman and took the microphone. Everyone in the audience was growing more and more confused by the second. “Thanks, guy. You see, fwiends, Eric is not merely my guy. He is also my buddeh, and I am his fwiend. When I learned that Eric was going through what we in Canada call ‘Refugee Puberty’, I knew I had to come speak to this class. Eric is what we in Canada call, a ‘Gem’. Gems are a kind of refugee. They came to Earth many years ago, but very few remain.”

 

Terry paced the room while Stan and Kyle shot each other confused looks. “I believe that Eric may be one of what we in Canada call ‘the last of his kind’. Therefore, I expect you all to treat him with dignity and respect as he goes through this very difficult time in a young refugee’s life. Here are some of the things you can expect from Refugee Puberty.” Terry, using a yardstick, pointed to a presentation that was now being projected in front of everyone. “First, as you’ve already seen, his gem will begin to manifest in a specific location of his body. As you’ve seen, Eric’s is located in his navel.” He pointed to the next bullet. “Second, you may notice that Eric’s feelings towards his fwiends, buddehs, and guys will change.” He shrugged his shoulders. “For example, you may notice that, when the topic of what we in Canada call ‘fusion’ is brought up, his dick gets hard.” Everyone glanced at Cartman, then back at Terry. “Fusion, of course, is a process by which gems combine themselves to create one super gem. This process is what allows gems to climax.”

 

The students were beginning to think that the Canadian Minister of Health had no idea what he was talking about.

 

After a long and painful presentation about a species that Eric and Terry almost certainly had made up, PC Principal realized that school was scheduled to end in roughly a minute. As such, everyone was dismissed. Kyle, Stan, Kenny, and Butters all marched out of the school, each having come out with a vastly different understanding of what occurred that day.

 

Kyle spent much of the walk ranting. “I can't believe that fatass managed to waste the whole day with his stupid bullshit presentation about his made-up secret double life.”

 

Stan put his hands in his pockets. “Yeah, I guess.”

 

Kyle continued. “Like, what even was the point of all of that? For a laugh? None of that was funny!”

 

Stan looked away. “Yeah, it’s… it’s really strange.”

 

Kyle kept on going. “AND he’s gotten the Canadian Minister of Health in on that?! How qualified is that guy?!”

 

Stan just shrugged, not making eye contact.

 

“Oh, don't- don't tell me you believe that BS!” Kyle asked in disbelief.

 

Stan looked at Kyle. “No, of course not, dude, but like…” Stan looked at the ground. “I think Cartman might believe his own BS.”

 

They were silent. “That’s… really sad,” Kyle said finally.

 

Stan nodded. “I think this all has something to do with his parents. He finally feels guilty about- about having his dad killed and ground up into chili?” He shrugged. “I dunno, I think it’s just hit him and this is his way of coping.”

 

Kyle was suddenly a lot less angry. “Dude…”

 

Butters perked up and smiled. “Well, I believe it!” he said cheerily. “It explains so much about him, li- like how all those weird things keep happening around us.” He held his arms out in excitement. “It’s not us, it’s just him! His alien brain waves must be attracting all the weird stuff!”

 

The three other boys stared at Butters. Stan looked at Kyle. “See, at least Cartman is having an actual mental breakdown. Butters is just stupid.” With that, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny walked away, leaving Butters alone. Butters looked the other way and saw Eric and Heidi talking to each other. With a smile, he walked over to them.

 

“Heya, fellas!”

 

“Oh? Hey, Butters,” Cartman greeted.

 

“I gotta go, babe,” Heidi said, kissing her boyfriend on the cheek. “My dad’s here!” Heidi walked off, leaving Eric and Butters alone.

 

“Boy, Eric, I had no idea you were so special!” Butters said in amazement.

 

Cartman simply looked down at the ground. “I think… in a way… I always knew,” Cartman sighed. “I always knew I was cooler than the other kids. I just thought it was my natural charisma. But now I know. It’s my destiny.”

 

Butters balled up his fists and tapped them together apprehensively. “So, what’re you gonna do now that you know the truth?” he asked.

 

Eric took in a deep breath. “I’m going to find my real family, and follow my mother’s legacy,” he resolved. He knew, deep down, this was what he was always meant to do. He was always different from the other kids. But now that he knew _why_ he was different, his life had a new purpose. He was going to become so cool.

 

Butters clasped a hand on Eric’s shoulder. “Well, I hope you find what you’re looking for,” he said reassuringly. “If there is any way, any way at all that I can help, you just let me know.”

 

Eric smiled. “You know, Butters, you just might be able to help.”

* * *

 

Later that night, as Stan ate dinner with his family, they talked about their respective days. His father, Randy was in the middle of a really dumb story. “And so then, get this. Nelson got his dick stuck in the disk drive. We had to call the fire department to get it out!” He laughed, though nobody else did. Sharon rolled her eyes, but she couldn't complain; at least he was trying to bond with his family now. It seemed like maybe they could finally move on from his silly antics and be a real family.

 

Randy glanced at his son. “Anyway, how was school, Stanley?” he asked.

 

Stan looked up. “We spent the whole day listening to this stupid assembly on refugees.”

 

Randy raised an eyebrow. “Stanley, assemblies on refugees are not ‘stupid’, it’s a very important issue that you need to be informed on.”

 

“This one was stupid. Cartman kept talking about how he was something called a ‘gem’, and how he’s actually a refugee from another planet.”

 

Randy took another bite of his meal. “That’s nice, St- wait, wait, hold on.” He swallowed nervously. “Did- did you say… ‘Gem?’ Your friend Eric is a… Gem?”

 

Sharon raised an eyebrow. “Is something wrong, Randy?”

 

“N-nothing. No, nothing at all, your friends sure are silly Stan. Hey, Sharon, this was great, thanks for cooking, I’ll make dinner tomorrow so don't worry about it,” he said quickly as he excused himself from the table. Sharon was suspicious, but figured it was just Randy being Randy.

 

“I’ll make sure we have créme fraîche,” she said as her husband walked upstairs. There was no response as she heard the door close. “Huh, wonder what’s gotten into him?”

 

Randy walked into his bedroom and locked the door. Sighing, he walked over to the computer and pulled up the internet browser. “You’re overreacting, Randy,” he said to himself. “It’s a coincidence. Stanley’s little friend is just being a little smartass, that’s all. You’re going to look at some internet porn and just… relax.” He had meant to navigate to his favorite website, but… he wasn't feeling it. Nothing. He was too worried. “No! You’re being stupid, Randy! How- how could Eric be one of them? It wouldn't make any sense.” And yet…

 

The geologist stood up and walked over to the closet. Opening it, he found an old box that he was sure hadn't been opened in years. He rummaged through that box, until he found what he was looking for.

 

Randy stared at the photograph, his eyebrows furrowed. In the photo, he was pictured with four other women; three of whom had strange skintones. Randy knew these people. He knew what they were capable of. He could only guess what the others like them were capable of. If Eric Cartman claimed to be one of them…

 

...then they had a lot to answer for.


	2. ISIS in Space

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Randy meets some old friends.

“‘Member recon droids?”

 

“‘Member the Kessel Run?”

 

“‘Member Mon Mothma?”

 

Pearl was exhausted. She’d listened to these…  _ things  _ talk for almost three days straight, and she still was no closer to understanding what they were. Amethyst stood nearby, watching with disinterest. “Maybe Peri’ll know what they are,” she suggested. “Talking fruit has ‘Homeworld’ written all over it.”

 

Pearl rolled her eyes at the thought of asking Peridot for help when she  _ clearly  _ had the situation under control. “Somehow, I don't believe Homeworld genetically engineered talking grapes,” she sighed. “I think they have more important projects on their hands.”

 

“‘Member no illegal aliens?” one Member Berry piped up.

 

Amethyst narrowed her eyes. “I don't know. That’s pretty suspiciously specific denial,” she said, referring to the berry’s latest comment. 

 

“They’ve been slipping comments like that in all day,” Pearl explained. “They seem really fond of the 80s, but I don't recall actually seeing these strange creatures during the 80s.” She shrugged. “It’s almost like they’re only remembering the good times because they weren't there for the bad times.”

 

“‘Member Reagan?”

 

Pearl glared at the berry. “You know full well that you don’t ‘member Reagan.”

 

“Pearl, I don't think it understands you,” Amethyst snorted. “You gotta get down to its level, like this.” Suddenly, she shape-shifted down to proper ‘membering size and joined the berries. “Remember leg warmers?” she asked, imitating their high voices.

 

“Ohhh, I ‘member leg warmers!” one berry ‘membered fondly. It looked up at Pearl. “You ‘member?”

 

Pearl just glared at Amethyst, who was laughing her butt off with the berries. She was startled by a knock at the door, which she promptly moved to answer. She was surprised at who was standing on the other side; a man she hadn't seen in a very long time.

 

“Randy?” Pearl asked, dumbfounded. Randy Marsh. One of the human men Rose Quartz took a liking to, way back when. “I haven't seen you since-”

 

Randy nodded. “Since I left to join that boy band, yeah,” he said.

 

“How did that go?”

 

“Oh, fine, fine,” Randy said nonchalantly. “I sold a few solo albums, did a song for one of the Hunger Games movies, but I’ve put music behind me. You know how it is.” He coughed. “Uh, listen, Pearl, I need to talk to Rose.”

 

Pearl glanced away sadly. “Rose has… moved on.”

 

“Oh, I have too. I have two kids. I just need-”

 

“No, I mean… She’s no longer with us.”

 

“Oh.” Randy fell silent while Pearl stared at her own feet. “Do you know when she’ll be back?” 

 

Pearl glared at Randy. “Rose passed away, Randy,” she said finally. He seemed to get it now.

 

“Oh, boy,” he sighed. “If you don't want me here I can-”

 

“No, no, come in,” Pearl said, sighing as she opened the door wide. Randy passed through, taking in everything in the room and glancing uneasily at the Member Berries on the counter. He himself had been under their control not long ago; he wondered if the same fate had befallen the Crystal Gems. 

 

“You redecorated,” he commented.

 

“Yes, well, when you’re caring for a human child-”

 

Randy spun around. “Nuh-uh!” he yelled, surprised.

 

“Excuse me?”

 

“Nuh-uh you are not taking care of a kid,” Randy laughed. “Is that a recent thing?” he asked. “It’s gotta be a recent thing. How is he not dead? I bet he’s really screwed up in the head.” Pearl glared.

 

Suddenly, Amethyst returned to her normal size and ran over to greet the guest. “Yo, Randy!” she exclaimed. “What’s the haps? Haven't seen you in a while.”

 

Randy smiled. “Hey, looks like the whole gang’s here. Where’s Garnet?” 

 

As if on cue, the tallest member of the Crystal Gems emerged from the temple. “Have you two discovered the purpose of the berries yet?” she asked, seemingly ignoring the new arrival.

 

Pearl glanced at Randy. “Garnet, we have a guest.”

 

Garnet adjusted her shades. “I know.”

 

Randy rolled his eyes knowingly. Of course she saw his arrival. She saw it before it even happened. So it seemed like not much had changed here; sure, everyone looked different, but besides that…

 

“...hey, you said you guys had a human kid?” Randy asked. “How the hell did that happen?”

 

Everyone looked uneasily at each other; how should they tell him? Finally, Pearl sighed. “Sit down, Randy. Can I get you anything?”

 

Randy glanced around. “You guys wouldn't happen to have gluten-free Pabst Blue Ribbon, would you?”

* * *

 

President Garrison paced the Oval Office. He looked at H. R. McMaster, the new National Security Adviser, his last one having recently resigned. “Okay, and you’re sure Flynn was talking to aliens? It wasn't Russians or anything?”

 

McMaster shook his head. “No, sir, it was definitely aliens. If it was Russians, we’d just have a little bit of treason on our hands, that’s nothing Spicer can't handle. This is much more serious.”

 

“Well what do you want me to do about it?”

 

“Absolutely nothing,” a voice said from a very poorly lit section of the room. Steve Bannon, Garrison’s chief strategist, left the shadows and marched over to the President’s desk. “We have this entire thing under control.” He glared at McMaster. “The fact that you were contacted at all means SOMEBODY didn't listen to me.”

 

“I-I just thought the President should know-”

 

“Do you ‘member our arrangement?” Bannon snapped. “I do the big thinking. You don't think. Got it?”

 

McMaster stammered. “I- I…” He looked down at the floor, ashamed. “Yes, sir. I ‘member.”

 

“Good.”

 

“Steve, I want to know what’s going on, okay?” Garrison sighed. “I can't ignore it until I do.”

 

Bannon walked to the window, hands behind his backs. He stared out at seemingly nothing. “Mr. Garrison, this whole matter is… very complex. You see, back in July, your campaign was contacted by… a very interesting individual.” He glanced around, before closing the curtains and walking back in front of the President’s desk. “There’s a planet out there among the stars inhabited entirely by mineral-based life forms built for war and colonization.” He tried to find a way to break this down in a simpler way that the President’s tiny brain would be able to handle. “Think Transformers, except instead of robots living on a robot planet, they’re rocks living on a rock planet.”

 

“Okay, that makes sense.”

 

“On this planet, war broke out, as it often does on planets inhabited by warriors. There were two sides; one side, the rebels known as the ‘Crystal Gems’, were led by a notorious Turd Sandwich. The other side, comprised of those loyal to the planet, was led by a Giant Douche…” Bannon sighed. “That is, until the Giant Douche was assassinated by the Turd Sandwich herself. Taking command, the army’s new leader, an Even Bigger Douche, killed countless Crystal Gems, until eventually, only four remained; Turd Sandwich and her closest allies.”

 

Garrison blinked. “So where do we come in?”

 

“I’m getting to that. The war was fought to liberate Earth, which, at the time, was colonized by the Giant Douche. Although only four of them remain, the Crystal Gems managed to keep Earth out of the Even Bigger Douche’s hands.”

 

“That’s… good, right?” Garrison asked, confused.

 

“Tell me this, Mr. Garrison. Imagine if all war in the Middle East ceased… but ISIS managed to take over Syria. Would this be good?”

 

“I guess not,” Garrison admitted. “Jeez, these Crystal Gems must be real nasty, huh?” he asked.

 

“Precisely why we were contacted by Even Bigger Douche,” Bannon continued. “You see, the Crystal Gems, or ‘Space ISIS’, as they were known to our campaign, are hiding out on Earth. Even Bigger Douche promised to leak the Democrats’ emails and guarantee your election if we, in return, dealt with the Crystal Gems.”

 

“Oh, jeez, that sounds like a lot of work,” Garrison complained. “Yeah, you go ahead and handle that, I gotta tweet about the New York Times some more.” The President stood up and pulled out his phone, walking in the direction of the toilet.

 

“Oh, believe me, ‘Mr. President’,” Steve Bannon said in a low, ominous voice. “We’re handling it.”

* * *

 

Butters sat at his computer, furiously typing, his brow furrowed at the results on his screen. Cartman laid down on his bed behind him, reading comics. “Find anything yet, Butters?” Cartman asked, stuffing a Cheesy Poof into his mouth.

 

“Oh, well, nothin’ yet, Eric!” Butters responded, wiping sweat from his forehead. “Finding your real mom might be more work than I thought!” 

 

“Uh huh, let me know when you find anything.”

 

Butters continued typing and clicking. Suddenly, he raised an eyebrow. “Uh, hey, Eric! I think I found something!”

 

Cartman hopped off of the bed and walked to Butters’ computer. He appeared to be on some sort of a conspiracy website. The header read ‘Keep Beach City Weird!’ The contents of most of the website was garbage. Snake people, shapeshifters, lizard men. No Crab People. However, one image did catch Cartman’s eye. It appeared to be some sort of space vessel in the shape of a large, pointing finger, laying siege to the beachfront. This was it. This was one of the refugee ships.

 

“Butters… you may have just found my real family,” Cartman said, astounded that Butters actually found anything at all. “We have to find this place.”

 

“Uh, gee Eric, I don't know,” Butters said nervously. “I-I’m not supposed to really leave the house while my parents are gone, a-and this is all the way on the other side of the country.”

 

“Butters. Do you want me to spend the rest of my life wondering what could have been?” Eric paced the room dramatically. “How different would my life have been, if I were not raised in South Park, but instead raised on a kewl space ship by kewl alien moms?” He smiled as he imagined it. Lasers. Scanners. Automatic sliding doors. The Nintendo Switch, a full week before it even hits shelves. Suddenly, Butters coughed, and Cartman returned to reality _.  _ “Well? Do you want me to suffer?”

 

Butters shook his head, offended that Eric thought he’d be such a bad friend. “No way! I’m with you til the end, pal!”

 

Cartman nodded. “Pack your things, Butters. We’re going to the beach.”

* * *

 

Randy sat at the sofa, drinking the gluten-free beer he’d requested. He couldn't believe the story he’d just heard. Rose Quartz… became Steven. A human—well, half-human—boy. 

 

This meant two things. One, he REALLY dodged a bullet leaving Beach City to join that boy band, and two, Eric Cartman’s insistence that he was half gem became that much more frightening. 

 

But… if Pearl's explanation were accurate, then that meant that Eric’s claims couldn't be true. After all, Rose disappeared to make Steven, and you can't do that twice. The other three Crystal Gems were still here as well, so they obviously hadn't gone down a similar path. They were the only Gems on Earth. Stan’s friend was just playing a little game, like kids do. Randy had nothing to be worried about.

 

...right?

 

“Hey, Pearl?” Randy asked, bringing Pearl out of whatever depressing thought she’d been having up until that point. “You three ARE the only Gems on Earth, right?”

 

Pearl shrugged. “Well, there are Peridot and Lapis back at the-”

 

Randy jumped up. “You mean more of you guys can come here?! Jesus Christ, I didn't know that! If there’s more of you guys, then-!” Randy’s eyes bugged out in fear. “STAAAAN!” he shouted as he jumped to action. He grabbed his coat and started out the door. Pearl grabbed his arm.

 

“Randy, where are you going?”

 

“My son’s in danger! There are Gems in South Park, Pearl, and my son is friends with one of them!”

 

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Garnet said. “If there were, we’d know about them.” She adjusted her shades for emphasis.

 

“If more Homeworld Gems can come here, who’s to say they haven't been here for years!?” Randy shouted, panicked. “STAAAAN!” he shouted again, running out the door.

 

Pearl groaned and smacked her forehead. “Sometimes I ask myself, what did Rose see in these men?” she said, frustrated with the absolute moron that just came through her house. Garnet opened the door again. “Where are you going?”

 

“To follow Randy. You know how destructive he can be when he’s scared.”

 

The whole group thought back to one of his biggest blunders, where he, in a state of hysteria over some overreaction or another, managed to provoke the town into destroying itself entirely. They shuddered to imagine that he might bring the same destruction to South Park.

 

Pearl blinked. “What about Steven? He’s still at the barn with-”

 

“There’s no time,” Garnet cut her off. “He can stay with Peridot and Lapis for a little bit longer.” She glanced over at Randy’s car, which he was desperately trying to get into as he’d left his keys on the counter. “And I don't want Randy’s intelligence quotient to rub off on Steven,” she concluded finally. “I’m sure Steven won't mind staying at the barn for a day or two.”

* * *

 

The rustic pickup truck pulled up to the side of the road. The driver, an older man in his 60s, glanced over at the passenger seat, where two small boys had been sitting. “Well, this here’s the spot,” he said as the fat one pulled out his cellphone. “Gotta say, I was a little surprised to see you kids hitchhiking back in Denver.”

 

“Yes, well, the train didn't leave the state, and only hippies use busses,” Cartman said dismissively. “This was our only option.” Butters just nodded nervously.

 

The old man shrugged. “So, what brings you so far out from Colorado?”

 

Cartman lowered his eyebrows. “I’m looking for my family,” he said dramatically, like a badass superhero.

 

“Well I hope you find what you’re looking for,” the old man said as Eric and Butters hopped out of the truck. Once they closed the door, he drove off.

 

Butters looked at the town below. “Say, Eric? How come we didn't just get a ride into Beach City?” he asked, confused.

 

Cartman simply pointed to a nearby barn, which looked like it’d been constructed, deconstructed, and reconstructed several times over using whatever the inhabitants had laying around. Surrounding the barn was a vast field of corn, and, presumably, other vegetables. “This website says that this barn is a hub for refugee activity,” he said, starting towards the barn. “We’re going to look for my real mom here first.”

 

Butters shrugged and followed Eric. “Gee, Eric. You must be real excited to see her!”

 

“It’s going to be so kewl,” Cartman smirked. He and Butters marched towards the barn, determined to fulfil Cartman’s destiny.


	3. Refugee Barn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Butters and Cartman investigate the Refugee Barn; South Park Elementary gets a new chef; and Kenny doesn't die.

The bells at South Park Elementary rang as a new day began. Students poured into the door while their teacher, Mrs. Nelson wrote out the day’s lesson plan on the chalkboard. They were cramming a lot into the days now, as Mrs. Nelson learned early on that neither Mr. Garrison nor Ms. Choksondik taught the kids very much before she joined South Park’s faculty. Stan sat in his seat and looked at the board; he hoped something would get him out of class before he had to learn all of that, determined to make it to the fifth grade before learning a single thing. 

 

He looked over at Cartman’s empty seat, and then at Butters’; Butters never missed a class. He looked over at Kyle.

 

“Dude, do you know where Butters is?” he asked while the other students continued to settle into their seats. Kyle looked over at the empty seat and shrugged. 

 

“Oh, God, Cartman’s gone, too,” Kyle noticed. “You don't think-”

 

“Will Stan Marsh, Kyle Broflovski, and Kenny McCormick please report to the principal’s office, m’kay,” Mr. Mackey suddenly announced over the loudspeaker.

 

Kyle and Kenny groaned. Stan smiled, however. “Sweet, dude!” he said, pleased that he was once again getting out of class because of circumstances completely out of his control. He and his friends marched down to the principal’s office.

 

Upon entering, Kyle immediately began his rehearsed explanation. “We don't know WHERE Cartman or Butters are, but we’re pretty sure it’s mostly Cartman’s-” he stopped upon hearing the sobs coming from his left. Turning his head, he noticed Liane Cartman and Mr. and Mrs. Stotch all sitting nearby. Liane and Mrs. Stotch were both crying, while Mr. Stotch was comforting his wife. Further investigation revealed that, in addition to PC Principal and Mr. Mackey, two Park County police officers were standing behind the desk, and a slightly stressed-looking Heidi Turner sat in a chair to their right, where Cartman usually sits when the four boys are in trouble.

 

PC Principal gestured to the remaining three seats. “Take a seat, boys,” he said. The boys did what they were told, taking up the empty seats next to Heidi. She glanced at them briefly, but otherwise seemed not to notice them. 

 

Confused, Stan looked up at PC Principal. “What’s going on?” he asked. “Are we in trouble?”

 

Mr. Mackey glanced nervously at PC Principal, who was unusually calm. “Um, boys, these police officers just want to ask you a few questions, m’kay.”

 

Stan put his hands up. “Look, whatever Cartman did, we aren't involved-”

 

“You boys aren't in trouble,” a police officer—Stan recognized him as Detective Harrison Yates—cut him off. He walked around the desk and knelt down to meet the kids’ eyes. “You see, your friends Eric and Butters… well, they’re missing.”

 

Kyle raised an eyebrow. “Butters is missing?” Heidi shot him a glare, which he didn't seem to notice.

 

Yates nodded. Suddenly, Steven Stotch spoke up.

 

“H-he wasn't home when we got home, you see!” he said, his voice shaky. “At first, we thought that he might have been at Eric’s house, those two just get along so well, but… but then we got there to ground him, Liane said she hadn't seen them since that afternoon.”

 

Mrs. Cartman nodded, wiping a tear from her eye. “He told me he was going to the Stotches’ to play with Butters. When I found out neither of them were there, I assumed the worst.”

 

Stan stared at the parents in disbelief. Steven continued. “We checked everywhere. City Wok, SoDoSoPa, the mall. They weren't anywhere. When we got home, we saw that Butters’ travel bag was… gone.”

 

Liane started crying again. “Eric’s was, too!”

 

Steven looked at the boys and Heidi desperately. “Please, if any of you know where our boys might be, you have to tell us!” 

 

The boys’ mouths were agape. They all looked at each other, then at Heidi, who was just staring at them intently. Finally, Kyle spoke up. “We have no idea where Cartman and Butters are. Neither of them spoke to any of us after school last night.” He glanced at Stan and Kenny, who both shook their heads.

 

Detective Yates stared at each of them. “Are you sure? You don't know anywhere they could have gone?”

 

Kyle shook his head. “Not a clue.”

 

Yates stood up, frustrated. “Thank you, boys. It’s a shame we’re no closer to finding them, but hey! It’s not your fault that you guys are bad friends.”

 

Stan raised an eyebrow. “What are you, the captain of the Sarcastaball team?”

 

The boys, and Heidi, left the office and began making their way back to class.

 

“Thank you,” Heidi said quietly. The three boys turned around, confused.

 

“...for what?” Stan asked.

 

“I know you don't really like Eric that much, but… I’m glad you guys still decided not to give his location away.”

 

The boys looked at each other. “What?” Kenny asked.

 

“You know, what he’s doing is really important to him,” Heidi continued. “I’m just, you know, glad that his friends are supportive of him. If anybody knew where he was going, they’d try to stop him.”

 

Kyle stepped forward. “Heidi, we HATE Cartman. We weren't protecting him; we actually don't give a shit WHERE he is. If we knew where BUTTERS was, we’d have told them.” He put his hands in his pockets. “If you knew about some of the shit he did when you weren't around, you’d hate him too.” With that, he turned to walk back to class.

 

“You really have no idea what he’s trying to do, do you?” Heidi asked. Kyle sighed, and turned around once again. 

 

“I don't CARE what he’s trying to do. I just know it’s probably not good.” As he spoke, he poked her chest for emphasis. “He’s tricked YOU into believing he’s this sweet, caring, loving guy, but ACTUALLY, he’s a complete sociopath. Whatever he’s doing, it’s not what you think it is.”

 

Heidi studied Kyle. “You think I’m stupid.”

 

“You kind of have to be to go along with Cartman’s bullshit, yeah.”

 

“So, what, you think I’m just completely blind to everything Eric’s ever done in the past?” Heidi asked, slightly offended. “I’ve been in your class since pre-school. I know what he’s done.”

 

“Yeah? Well did you know he-”

 

“Fed Scott Tenorman’s parents to him, yes Kyle, I think we were all at the Chili Con Carnival.”

 

“Well how about-”

 

“That time he shot Token, yeah, I know about that too.”

 

“Then what about-”

 

“Kyle, we ALL know you four are the ones who put Ms. Claridge in that motor scooter, NOT Trent Boyett.”

 

“Cartman doesn't even like the Ghostbusters remake! He lied to you about that!” Kyle yelled angrily.

 

“That has to be the pettiest thing on that list.”

 

Stan stepped forward. “So if you know about all the horrible shit Cartman’s done, how can you defend it?” he asked. 

 

“I’m not defending it,” Heidi said, glaring now at Stan. “It’s not escaped me that Eric, at one point, was one of the worst human beings alive. People change, Stan.”

 

“Not Cartman,” Kyle said firmly. “He’s still an asshole to everyone else. The only reason Cartman is nice to YOU is because he can't live without you.”

 

“That’s called ‘progress’, Kyle.” Heidi pushed past the boys in front of her to return to class. “When one pillar falls, the others will follow.”

 

“You’re trying to break Cartman?” Stan asked, surprised.

 

Without turning around, Heidi responded, “I’m trying to bring out the good person I know he can be.”

 

Kyle ran front of her and cut her off. “What, so you’re okay with him LYING to you?”

 

“He’s not lying. He’s just omitting the truth.”

 

“That’s lying. That’s like saying he’s not fat, he’s big boned. Big boned is just what fat people—like Cartman—say to make it sound like they’re not fat. Like Cartman is.”

 

“That’s real classy, Kyle. Come up with that one all by yourself?” Heidi looked incredibly unamused. “Seriously, nice fat jokes,  _ dude _ ,” she added a mocking inflection on the last word. “Real original.”

 

Stan’s eyes widened. He glanced around in thought. “Oh, shit,” he muttered.

 

“You still haven't answered the question,” Kyle said, rolling his eyes.

 

“I’m hoping that eventually he’ll trust me enough to talk about his shaky past with me.” She pushed past him once again. “That includes his thoughts on Ghostbusters.”

 

“So what IS Cartman trying to do?” Kyle yelled after her.

 

“Maybe you should ask him. You are supposed to be his friends after all.” She continued walking. Kyle glared angrily at her.

 

“We don't even know where the fatass is, you brainwashed idiot!” Kyle shouted. She ignored him. “I bet Cartman’s laughing his fat ass off right now,” he said to his friends, shaking his head.

 

Stan looked away from his friend, then up at the ceiling. He thought about something. “Dude. We DO rip on Cartman’s weight a lot. Maybe that’s why he’s so fucked up.”

 

Kyle glared at his friend. “Oh, you can not be serious right now!”

 

“I’m just saying, like, I never thought he was a great person, but maybe getting bullied all the time didn't make it much better?”

 

Kyle groaned. “He IS a bully, Stan! Whatever, I don't want to talk about this.”

 

The lunch bell rang at South Park Elementary, and all of the students poured excitedly into the cafeteria. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny stood in line, waiting their turn to grab their food. Hearing singing, they turned to observe the Danish refugee children that recently joined their class.

 

“ _ Tjing tjang lu, tjing tjang lu, tjing tjang tjing lutilej,”  _ they sang in their native language. 

 

Stan looked over at Kyle, who shrugged. Finally, it was their turn to enter the kitchen, so they did. The three of them grabbed trays and headed to the counter. “Did you hear that Mr. Derp got canned?” Stan asked.

 

“Dude, seriously?” Kyle asked. “What happened?”

 

“I dunno, dude. He, like, won the lottery or something and told PC Principal to go fuck himself. Or something.”

 

“Huh,” Kyle said. “Wonder who the new school chef is.”

 

“Hello there, children.”

 

The kids looked up at their new chef. Stan blinked and raised his eyebrows. “Dude, what the hell?”

 

The boys stared up at the new chef; a very, very tall woman with very, very big hair, who carried a spatula in one hand. Her stoic expression conveyed very little emotion, and the reflective sunglasses she wore over her eyes didn't help. She wore an apron, but it was clearly meant for a normal-sized person, as it barely went down to her hips. The strangest thing about her, however, was her skin tone, which was definitely more red than a normal human being’s should be.

 

Kyle glared at nothing in particular. “Can we have a normal chef? Please?”

 

“Are you Mr. Derp’s replacement?” Stan asked, glancing up and down the new chef, who smiled slightly.

 

“It’s only temporary,” she said. “Mr. Derp did run into a bit of good luck, though, didn't he?”

 

“Yeah, I… guess he did,” Kyle said uneasily.

 

Silence.

 

“What are your names?”

 

“Uh… Stan, Kyle, and Kenny,” Stan said, glancing uneasily at the woman as she walked out from behind the counter and knelt down.

 

“So, you’re Randy’s son.”

 

“What?”

 

“I’m a friend of your dad’s, Stan. He cares about you a lot,” she said. “It’s very nice to meet you. I’m Garnet.”

 

Garnet held out her hand. Stan stared at it, and the stone embedded in it, for a moment before awkwardly shaking it. “Uh, thanks? Look, can we… get our food now?”

 

Garnet nodded. “Of course. Let me think, you want... Salisbury steak, with a side of buttered noodles.”

 

“Whoa, dude!” Stan exclaimed, as Garnet guessed exactly what he wanted. She then turned to look at Kyle.

 

“Same for you, but you want the green bean casserole.” Kyle smiled. Garnet then turned her attention to Kenny. “And you…” she frowned, and for a brief moment, a look of slight panic replaced her stoic look. It subsided a moment later and she addressed Kenny completely straight-faced. “Please don’t go anywhere near that fire extinguisher,” she warned, pointing to a fire extinguisher on a nearby wall. Kenny, confused for a moment, glanced at it, before looking back up at Garnet. “Oh, and you’re fine with anything, as long as it’s edible.” Kenny smiled, though nobody could see it under his parka. 

 

The kids got their food and started to walk out. Kenny glanced at the fire extinguisher near the door and stepped slightly to the left of it. Just then, it fell off of its rusty stand, right where Kenny had been standing a moment earlier. 

 

“Oh my god!” Stan yelled. “That could have killed you.”

 

“You lucky bastard, Kenny,” Kyle said, astonished.

 

“Phew!” Kenny sighed in relief. He gave Garnet a thumbs up and followed his friends out.

 

Garnet frowned as she watched the children leave. Well, finding Randy’s son had been easy enough, and it appeared that he was in no immediate danger. The child in the parka, however… Garnet wouldn’t be able to let him leave her sight.

 

She wondered how Pearl and Amethyst were doing. Randy had asked the three of them to infiltrate South Park and make sure that there truly was no Homeworld threat in the town. So far, so good. This was just another classic Randy Marsh overreaction. 

 

...but where was Eric Cartman?

* * *

 

Cartman and Butters peaked out from the corn field through which they’d been traveling and gazed at their goal. “Looks like the coast is clear,” Cartman said. “Let’s keep moving.”

 

“What exactly are we looking out for, Eric?” Butters asked.y

 

“Government agents. The FBI no doubt knows by now that we’re trying to contact my species,” Cartman said dramatically. “If they catch me, they’re gonna send me to Area 51. That’s where they dissect all of the refugees.” He continued onward towards the barn. Butters’ eyes went wide.

 

“Oh, hamburgers, they’re gonna dissect us?!” he asked, distressed.

 

“No, Butters, just me. You aren't important enough.” Butters seemed to relax at this, and he continued to follow Eric.

* * *

 

“Say Terrance?”

 

“Yes, Phillip?”

 

The Canadian onscreen turned around so that his back was facing his friend. “I’m overdue for my prostate exam, but the government took away my healthcare! Would you do the honors?”

 

“Sure thing, Phillip!”

 

Flatulence, and then laughter, erupted from the television screen as Terrance tried to give his friend a prostate exam. Steven laughed hysterically. Peridot and Lapis did not.

 

“I don't get it,” Peridot said flatly.

 

“Yeah,” Lapis said glumly. “He doesn't have healthcare anymore? That’s not funny. That’s really sad.”

 

Steven pulled himself together to explain the joke. “No, no, see, it’s political! The healthcare is just the setup! The fart is the punchline!” He laughed some more. “Because politics are a joke!” He fell to the floor, unable to contain his laughter. Peridot still didn't get it.

 

“Why do humans think bodily functions are funny?”

 

Steven grabbed a nearby VHS tape. “Just wait. This is just the most recent season! This show’s been on for twenty years!”

 

Lapis glanced at the VHS. “There’s more?”

 

“Over two hundred episodes!” Steven exclaimed. “I… don't have the two hundredth episode. It’s banned.”

 

Peridot perked up. “Oh! That reminds me!” She looked over at Lapis. “Let’s show Steven the new thing we grew!” She got up and ran to the other end of the barn. 

 

Steven smiled. “You grew more food?”

 

Peridot returned with a jar. “We found some new organic material. I figured, I am such a natural at putting things in the ground and growing them to respectable, mature organisms, that we should try it with everything we could find!”

 

Steven got up, excited. “Let me see!” Peridot opened the jar. Steven’s eyes widened in amazement. “Whoooa!”

 

“‘Member Boba Fett?”

 

“‘Member Tusken Raiders?”

 

“‘Member Ewoks?”

 

“They talk!” Steven exclaimed, staring down at the berries in the jar. 

 

Peridot smirked, looking smugly at Steven. “And you said it couldn't be done.” She grabbed one of the berries and looked at it. This one was ‘membering Carrie Fischer. “Then again, is it any surprise that I have once again surpassed everyone’s expectations?” She chuckled before returning the berry and closing the jar back up, moving to return it to where she found it. Even through the glass, she could hear them ‘membering.

 

“‘Member Uncle Owen?”

 

“Ohhhh, I ‘member Uncle Owen! Hey! Hey!” Peridot started to walk away, but stopped in her tracks upon hearing the next statement. “ _ ‘Member the kindergarten?”  _ one asked in a much darker tone than before. She turned around and stared at the jar, before concluding that she must have misheard the talking fruit. She shrugged and turned around, returning to Steven and Lapis.

 

“So what do you guys say, wanna get started from the first season?” Steven asked, excitedly holding up another Terrance and Phillip VHS.

 

Lapis shrugged, then glanced out the barn doors. She noticed two young boys walking towards the barn. One—the bigger one—was very clearly trying to be stealthy, but he wasn't doing a very good job. 

 

“Come on Butters, we’re almost there. The government might be on our tracks.”

 

“Oh, gee, Eric.”

 

The boys entered the barn, not having noticed the other three occupants, who were now staring at them from the second floor. The overweight one—Eric—looked around dramatically.

 

“Alright Butters, the coast is clear,” he said in a deep, overdramatized voice. “Fan out and search for clues!”

 

“Aye aye!” Butters responded in a voice reminiscent of a captain’s first mate.

 

They searched the barn. Peridot looked at Steven. “Are they friends of yours?”

 

Steven shook his head. “Never seen them before in my life.”

 

They returned to looking down at the boys, who were still searching the barn. Peridot yelled down at them. “Hey! Don't touch my meepmorps!”

 

Eric glanced up at the second floor. “Ay! The fuck?!”

 

“You heard me, don't touch any of my stuff!” Peridot shouted back down at Eric. “I worked really hard on it!”

 

Eric angrily walked towards the ladder. “This is my ancestral home, get your own!”

 

“It’s  _ Steven’s  _ ancestral home!”

 

Steven shrugged. “Well, it’s really more like an ancestral workshop,” he commented. Still, he climbed down the ladder to greet the guests. Lapis and Peridot jumped down onto the first floor, prepared to defend their home from the intruder.

 

“Seriously, you guys, I don't want hippies getting in the way of my search for my-” Eric stopped as soon as he realized that two of the people confronting him were not in fact human. “Holy shiiiit.”

 

“Gee, Eric!” Butters exclaimed. “Th-these sure look like refugees to me!”

 

Peridot crossed her arms. “Excuse me?”

 

Eric stepped forward. “Correct me if I’m wrong, but are you two, perhaps… not from this world?” he asked.

 

Peridot and Lapis looked at each other. “What, you mean did we come from space?” Peridot asked for clarification. “Yes, we’re from another planet.”

 

“Kewl.”

 

Steven stared curiously at Eric. “Hey, how did you know that?”

 

Eric cleared his throat. “Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Eric Cartman, and as you might imagine, I am no ordinary boy. This is my friend Butters.” He stared at Butters for a moment. “He’s not important.” Butters smiled at Peridot and Lapis and waved. “You see, I come in search of…” he paused for dramatic effect, “...my true family.”

 

Steven smiled. “Well, we can help with that! We’re—sort of—the Crystal Gems! We help people with all sorts of problems!”

 

Peridot looked at Cartman proudly. “I’m the leader.”

 

Cartman raised an eyebrow. “So it’s true, then. You two are gems,” he said, addressing Peridot and Lapis. “You’ll want to see this, then. Brace yourselves. This is something like you’ve never seen before.” Cartman lifted up his shirt, revealing the gem in his belly button. Lapis and Steven stared in shock and awe. Peridot didn't seem amused.

 

“Whooooa!” Steven exclaimed. “He’s got a gem!”

 

Lapis blinked with surprise. “He’s like you, Steven!”

 

“Yes, yes, I know, it’s super kewl- what?” Cartman asked, thrown off by Lapis’ comment.

 

“You’re just like Steven!” Lapis repeated. “He’s a gem-human hybrid! I thought he was the only one.”

 

Steven lifted up his shirt to reveal his gem. Cartman just stared angrily at Steven. “The fuuuck?”

 

“This is so cool!” Steven said, excited. “I thought I was the only one! Wait. There are other gems on Earth?”

 

Lapis frowned. Peridot cleared her throat. “Can I speak to you two?” She glared at Cartman and Butters. “Alone.”

 

Peridot dragged her friends away. Cartman glanced around the room, pissed off. “The fuck? Butters, the fuck?”

 

Butters smiled. “It looks like there are others like you, Eric! That sure is exciting!”

 

“No, it’s not exciting, it’s bullshit! That fat kid is faking!”

 

Peridot dragged her friends outside the barn, where they couldn't be heard. “That fat kid is faking,” she said once she was sure Butters and Eric couldn't hear her.

 

Steven seemed surprised. “What?”

 

“How can you tell?” Lapis asked.

 

“I’m a certified kindergartener.”  _ ‘Member?  _ “I can tell the difference between an actual gem and a rock that some kid stuck on his person. The obese human stuck a rock in his naval.”

 

“Oh,” Lapis said, suddenly way less interested. “That’s boring.”

 

Steven put a finger on his chin. “So then, I wonder what he wants?”

 

“Perhaps he’s delusional,” Peridot said dismissively. “I just met him five seconds ago and he already doesn't exactly seem like the most stable human.”

 

Steven snapped his fingers. “Maybe he’s an admirer!” he said, excitedly.

 

Lapis smiled. “Oh, like that mailman!” Peridot frowned.

 

“Wait, what about the mailman?”

 

Steven crossed his arms. “Alright, guys. I think we should do something fun with Eric and Butters.” Peridot rolled her eyes. “Come on, let’s let them pretend for a bit! Weren't you ever a kid, Peridot?”

 

“You know full well the answer to that question.”

 

Steven grinned at his friends. “Come on, guys, it’ll be fun!”

 

Lapis raised an eyebrow. “Didn't Pearl say something about your last new recruit not doing so hot?”

 

“Who, Bloodstone? That was, like, a totally different thing!” Steven reasoned. “Besides, these guys are just kids.”

 

“I suppose we can give it a try,” Peridot said begrudgingly. “But they still aren't allowed to touch my stuff!”

 

The two and a half gems rejoined their guests. Steven bowed slightly. “Welcome to the team, Eric and Butters!”

 

Cartman shook his head. “We really don't want to be part of a team, I just want to meet my alien parents.”

 

Butters nodded. “Yeah! Eric here’s been estranged from his real family for YEARS! He was raised by a crack whore back in South Park!”

 

Cartman glared. “Thank you, Butters, that information was totally necessary.”

 

“Plus everyone at school HATES him! Now he can be with his own kind!”

 

“Thank you, Butters-”

 

“And don't get me started on how everyone rips on him because of his weight-”

 

“THANK YOU, BUTTERS!” Cartman shouted. “God! Why don't you go over there and look for clues, I’ll talk to the other refugees.”

 

Butters saluted. “Aye aye, Captain Cartman!” He then ran off to look for clues.

 

“Fuckin’ asshole.” 

 

Steven looked at Peridot and Lapis nervously. Peridot looked back at him like she already knew this was going to end badly, but she sighed and held out a hand. “After a bit of deliberation,” she began reluctantly, “my team and I have decided that you, Eric Cartman, are now in our care as the newest member of the Crystal Gems. Our youngest member, Steven, will… ugh, I don't know. Teach you how to use your powers?” she glanced at Steven, who shook his head rapidly. “Yeah, that’s what he’ll do. I’m Peridot, the leader. If you have any questions, you will report to me. That’s Lapis. Steven’s second best friend. And I guess the second in command. We will be… embarking on a mission?” Steven nodded. “Welcome to the team, Eric.”

 

“Wait!” Steven interrupted. “This isn't right! I’m the only one wearing a star!”

 

Lapis glanced down at her clothing, then at Peridot’s. “Alternatively; you and the Cartman are the only ones not wearing a diamond.”

 

Peridot then felt at the slightly faded Yellow Diamond insignia on her own jumpsuit. An ordinary Peridot would make sure the logo was constantly in pristine shape; a tribute to their undying loyalty to the mission they’d been assigned. Peridot, however, held no such loyalty. “Hmm, yes. I do believe a uniform change is in order.”

 

Cartman raised an eyebrow. “Dude, diamonds are way cooler than stars. Stars are for frickin’ girls.”

 

Steven looked slightly uncomfortable. “Uh, Eric, we don't really… associate with diamonds.”

 

Peridot sighed. “Yes, yes, Steven is correct. These outfits are relics. But Eric is also correct. Stars stink.”

 

Steven snapped his fingers. “I know! That can be our first mission! We’ll go… search for new uniforms!”

 

This seemed to please Cartman. “Sweet. Butters! BUTTERS!” he shouted for his friend, who immediately rejoined his side. 

 

“Yes, Eric?”

 

“Come on, we’re gonna go get new outfits for our kewl superhero team.”

 

“Oh boy!” Butters yelled excitedly. He and Cartman marched out of the barn. Peridot looked at her friends.

 

“Steven, you didn't tell me humans had Pearl equivalents,” she said, slightly amused at how subservient to Cartman Butters was.

 

“We don't,” Steven replied, slightly concerned. He shook his head and tried to shake the thought, however. “Whatever, it doesn't matter. Let’s show them the warp pad!” He ran out to follow. 

 

Peridot hummed for a moment. Lapis took notice. “Something on your mind?”

 

“Butters mentioned that he and Eric were from South Park, correct? Isn't that where Garnet said she and the other gems were going when she called Steven earlier?”

 

Lapis blinked. “You think there’s a connection.”

 

“Like I said, Eric is faking. So there’s simply no reason why his appearance should be related to the Crystal Gems’ mission. However…”

 

“You think there’s a connection.”

 

“No, no,” Peridot waved off Lapis’ concerns. “He’s an ordinary human. It’s simply coincidence. A very strange coincidence, but coincidence nonetheless. At least now we know where to send him when Steven tires of this dog and pony show.” Peridot looked back over at where she stored the berries. “We’re going to need money, aren't we? Perhaps we can trade our new crop for goods and services.” She walked over to the berries and opened the jar.

 

“‘Member Slave I?”

 

“‘Member Storm Troopers?”

 

“‘Member Red?”

 

Peridot lowered her eyebrows. These things were starting to get on her nerves. She already couldn't wait to get rid of them. “Yeah. These’ll do.” She placed the lid back on the jar and looked at Lapis. “Come on. Let’s go.”

 

“‘ _ Member Yellow Diamond?” _

 

Peridot didn't clearly hear what the Berry said; probably something about a Star Wars thing. The voice was too muffled, it had likely been one of the Berries at the bottom. But, for some reason, she found herself nodding.  _ Yeah,  _ she thought, without even realizing it.  _ I ‘member. _


	4. New Members

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> President Garrison announces his new defense initiative. Meanwhile, the Crystal Gems continue their mission in South Park, while Cartman and Butters explore Beach City with the help of their new friends.

Caitlyn Jenner and Paul Ryan stood behind President Garrison as he addressed Congress for the first time—to thunderous applause.

 

“And our veterans, folks, we’re going to treat those veterans SO WELL you guys, you have no fuckin’ idea,” Garrison chanted. His speech was nearing its end. Finally, it seemed like he was pleasing these people. He was finally doing something right as President. He smiled and cleared his throat. “Oh, jeez, you guys, you’ve got me all worked up. Seriously. Now I just have one more thing to talk about before we finish things up. Now I know, you guys are all worried that I went a little ‘too far’ with my immigration orders, but you don't even need to worry about THAT,” he reassured Congress, “because I am working on a solution!” Both houses of Congress quieted slightly, and murmurs filled the chamber. “Aliens are a HUGE problem, guys, seriously. But I realized; the IRAQIS weren't the problem. So I took them off the list!” The Congressmen groaned. “Now hold on, hold on! You haven't even heard the best part!”

 

Garrison approached a nearby easel and removed a sheet, revealing his new plan. “I have asked the Department of Defense to create a brand new task force which will solve all of our problems once and for all. I call it, ‘Keep Undocumented Newbies Tame’! Every time an alien commits a crime, we’ll put their name on a list, so I know who to fuck to death later!”

 

Congress went silent. One Senator stood up.

 

“Mr. President, this… Doesn't seem very humane.”

 

“Well of COURSE it isn't, they aren't even PEOPLE!”

 

The entire chamber groaned again. “Mr. President, for God’s sake!”

 

Garrison held his hands up in defense. “Now, now, hold on! You’ve got this all wrong! These aliens are a real menace!”

 

Another Senator stood up. “Mr. Garrison, there’s a gaping hole in your K.U.N.T.! Where are we going to get the money to fund this task force?”

 

“Yeah! Rabble rabble rabble-” the crowd continued rambling. 

 

“Oh, yeah, that’s the other thing. I need fifty billion dollars for this thing,” Garrison said. The crowd rabbled even louder. “No- no, hang on! Do you want to get rid of the aliens or not?”

 

“Mr. President, the correct term is ‘immigrants’!”

 

“No, these are literal space aliens! From, like, Mars or some shit!”

 

A Representative stood up. “Mr. President, just because you don't like the Danish, and just because they live life a LITTLE differently from us, doesn't mean you can call them ‘literal space aliens from Mars or some shit’. They’re people!”

 

Garrison groaned. “I’m not talking about the Danish, or the Syrians, or the Mexicans, or ANY of those guys. I’m talking about REAL space aliens! From actual outer space! They’re called, like, Crystal ISIS or Gem State or something like that!”

 

The chamber grew silent. Then, one by one, they began to laugh, until their laughter filled the entire room. Even Caitlyn Jenner and Paul Ryan were laughing.

 

Marco Rubio, one of Garrison’s biggest rivals during the primaries, stood up. “Are you high, or just incredibly stupid?”

 

“I assure you, I am not high!”

 

Everyone just laughed harder.

 

“Alright then,” Rubio said between laughs, “if these ‘aliens’ really are on American soil, where are they now?”

* * *

 

Garnet watched from afar as the fourth graders enjoyed their recess. Specifically, she was watching over Kenny McCormick, who, she could swear, was the only human being on the planet with luck this bad. Over ninety percent of the possibilities Garnet saw for him involved his untimely demise in some gruesome way or another; and that was only covering the next five minutes.

 

A frog hopped across the playground towards the boy in question. His friend, the one Garnet recognized as Kyle, stared at the frog, then at Kenny. He reached for his wallet.

 

_ Oh no. _

 

“Hey Kenny, bet you won't eat that frog,” Kyle said, waving a five dollar bill in front of Kenny. Garnet looked again at the frog, which was very brightly colored. That frog didn't even belong in Colorado, what was it doing here? Just then, Kenny picked up the frog, and Garnet sprang into action. She leaped towards the children, and grabbed the frog from Kenny’s hand, tossing it a mile in the air as the kids all stared at her in shock.

 

“Don't eat frogs,” Garnet warned the children.

 

“...th-thanks, Chef…” Kyle muttered.

 

“Don't mention it.” She walked away, when she heard another boy—Clyde—approach Kenny.

 

“Hey, Kenny, wanna join our tetherball game?”

 

Garnet stared at the tetherball pole and took into account the possibilities there. After assessing the risks involved in playing tetherball, Garnet promptly tore the pole out of the ground, and, like the frog, tossed it a mile in the air. “Oops,” she said. “It broke.”

 

Clyde began to cry. Garnet hoped that Pearl and Amethyst were having an easier time than her.

* * *

 

Pearl sat in the school counselor’s office, organizing pencils on the desk. The regular counselor, one Mr. Mackey, was taking a few days off, so Pearl managed to convince the school’s principal to employ her as a temp. Really, how hard could counseling children be?

 

Just then, a young girl in a purple coat and a pink beret entered the room. “Please, have a seat,” Pearl said, gesturing towards a seat in front of the desk.

 

“Where’s Mr. Mackey?” the girl asked. 

 

“Counselor Mackey is taking a few vacation days, so I’m filling in.” Pearl smiled. “I’m Pearl, it’s very nice to meet you.”

 

The girl just stared at Pearl. “Wendy Testaburger,” she said. “Are you… feeling alright? I don't mean to be rude or anything, but you’re very, very pale.”

 

Pearl chuckled. “Oh, please. The color of my skin doesn't mean anything.”

 

Wendy smiled. “You’re right, I’m sorry. I don't know what-”

 

“My body is merely a metaphysical projection cast by my gem, so in the grand scheme of things, NOTHING about my appearance matters because none of it’s really REAL!” Wendy frowned. “Now then, how can I help you?”

 

Wendy sat down and took a moment to get her thoughts together. Finally, she figured out how to express how she felt in the simplest way possible. “I’m concerned that our society’s extreme aversion to political correctness is leading to an age in which most ordinarily moderate people are pushed to an extreme political agenda characterized by bigotry and the need to create purposeful, over-the-top offense simply to spite those who take their social justice movements farther than what is comfortable for most people, resulting in a society where everyone hates each other simply because both sides are rebelling against a status quo where they were told not to, regardless of whether or not their rebellion is actually productive to society as a whole.”

 

Pearl stared blankly at Wendy.

 

“In addition, as a young woman in a society characterized by hatred and fear, I feel ostracized by my peers on both sides because on one hand I feel the need to help defend women and other oppressed people from the bigotry they face on a daily basis, but on the other hand, I feel like actions taken by other girls in this school to punish all of the boys for the transgressions of one have gone a bit far.”

 

Pearl blinked. “What do you mean, exactly?”

 

“I instigated a gender war.”

 

“Excuse me?”

 

“Before the Internet was reset back in December, one of the boys, going under the Twitter handle ‘Skankhunt42’, mercilessly trolled several girls in the school.”

 

“How so?”

 

“He photoshopped dicks in their mouths.”

 

“Oh my.”

 

Wendy nodded. “Initially, I believed the perpetrator to be Eric Cartman.” Pearl’s eyes widened. “But my boyfriend… My ex-boyfriend confided something in me last week. Fearing retribution from us girls, several of the boys banded together and smashed Cartman’s electronics. He’s been offline until very recently because of that. So it couldn't have been him.” Wendy crossed her legs and put a finger to her chin. “So, I thought, ‘was Cartman just a scapegoat’? He’d been telling the truth all along, nobody—NOBODY—believed him, and he faced harsh consequences that he, for once, didn't deserve. And because of that, recently I’ve felt sort of disillusioned to the cause. I feel like we’re not helping anybody solve anything, we’re simply widening the divide between boys and girls.” Wendy sighed and looked down at the floor. “But I can't say that to my peers, or they’ll think I’m getting soft. So I don't know what to do. I don't feel like… me anymore. I feel like a girl who’s been pushed into fighting simply because she likes fighting.”

 

Silence.

 

“Oh, you’re done,” Pearl realized a moment later. “Uh, let me think. Perhaps it would be best if you tried to… Bridge the divide?”

 

Wendy groaned. “It’s not that simple. Women ARE subjugated in this society and I can't just sit back and let it happen. I HAVE to do SOMETHING. But how far is too far? It just feels like I HAVE to lead some kind of rebellion.”

 

Pearl chuckled condescendingly. “Wendy, dear, I think I know a LITTLE bit more about rebellion than you do.”

 

“It seems to me like you’re perfectly fine with just sitting on the sidelines and letting bad things happen.”

 

Pearl narrowed her eyes and leaned forward in her chair. “Let’s not go there. Okay? This? This is child’s play. In the grand scheme of things, NOTHING that happens in this institution matters.”

 

Wendy’s mouth was agape. “Surely… some of it matters?”

 

“None of it. It’s best to enjoy the time you have with these people, because you’ll likely never see them again after this.” Pearl looked around in thought. “Unless of course you stay in South Park for the rest of your life, but why any human would want to stay here longer than you have to is beyond me. The point is that whatever this Skankhunt character did will be forgotten by next year and you’ll be worried about some other trivial human issue, so why wait? Just forget about it now and move on with your life.”

 

“I… I don't think systemic oppression is trivial?”

 

“No, but whoever’s photo editing phallic imagery into your classmates’ mouths will grow up or get bored of it.”

 

Wendy rolled her eyes. “Well, they aren't doing it ANYMORE, but that’s not the point, the point is—”

 

Pearl laughed, although Wendy felt that it really sounded more like a cackle. “So what’s the problem? They’re ALREADY bored! You can stand up to injustices all you want, but this particular injustice is out of the picture, now.” A serious look reappeared on her face. “Not all of us were that lucky, Wendy. Appreciate it.”

 

Wendy had no clue what the hell Pearl was talking about, but she sighed anyway. “I guess.”

 

“Now, I would start by attempting to reconcile with those you feel estranged from.”

 

Wendy nodded. “You’re right. Maybe Stan can help me bridge the divide.”

 

Pearl chuckled again. “I’m actually going to be having dinner at the Marshes’ tonight. His father’s an old friend.” She thought for a moment. “Well, they’re going to be having dinner. I’m just going to watch.”

 

“Could you tell Stan… meet me at Stark’s Pond?”

 

“I’ll be sure to pass the message along.” With that, Wendy nodded and left. Pearl leaned back in her chair. She hoped the next student didn't have a problem as complicated as that.

 

Still, Wendy mentioned Eric Cartman, which intrigued Pearl. Clearly, the boy had a habit of making a fool of himself, which would of course further prove, as she already knew, that Randy was overreacting. She figured she, and the rest of the Crystal Gems, could return to Beach City as soon as they met him and put Randy’s mind at ease. 

 

If anybody knew where he was, of course. Eric had evidently been missing since the last school assembly, which, while not proof that Randy’s concerns were at all valid, was intriguing nonetheless. Eric Cartman tells everyone that he’s an alien, and then he goes missing. She would have to confer with Garnet and figure out how to proceed. 

 

A young boy with diabetes suddenly burst into the room. “I’m going to do it!” he lisped dramatically. “I’m going to quit Twitter!”

 

Pearl sighed. “Please, sit down,” she said as Scott Malkinson—who she’d been warned about by Mackey—paced the room.

* * *

 

Cartman, Butters, Steven, Peridot, and Lapis marched down the sidewalk, having finally reached Beach City. Peridot carried a jar of Member Berries, which she was planning to use as currency. SHE had no use for them, but surely SOMEBODY would know what to do with them.

 

“‘Member the Last Crusade?”

 

“‘Member Toto?”

 

“‘Member Michael Jackson?”

 

“Ohhhhh, I LOVED Michael Jackson! ‘Member Smooth Criminal?”

 

Lapis wrinkled her nose. “Can you shut those things up?” she asked. The berries were starting to get on her nerves.

 

Peridot shrugged wearily. “I don't know how, ‘member?”

 

“What?”

 

“If I knew how to get these things to stop, believe me, I would have already,” Peridot groaned. “These things are exhausting to listen to. Let’s just hope somebody will take them off of our hands.”

 

“What would anybody even use them for?” Lapis asked, grabbing a berry from the jar. Hesitantly, she put one in her mouth. Peridot immediately recoiled in disgust.

 

“What are you doing?”

 

“Humans put food in their mouths, right? There’s gotta be a reason.”

 

“Sustenance! That thing we don't need!”

 

“Oh.”

 

Lapis then put another berry in her mouth, much to Peridot’s annoyance and disgust.

 

“Hey, is anyone hungry?” Steven asked as they walked past the Big Donut.

 

The newest member of the Crystal Gems had already started entering. “These assholes better have Cheesy Poofs, I swear to god,” Cartman muttered as he and Butters walked in. Steven glanced worriedly at Peridot, who sighed.

 

“My first impression with some of these humans is going to be in the company of  _ him.  _ Joy.”

 

Steven thought about it for a moment. “Well, technically your first impression with them was when you tried to contact Homeworld with TV signals.”

 

“Great. So they're going to think I’m a lunatic who associates exclusively with other lunatics.”

 

“Silly, you’re with me!”

 

“My point still stands.”

 

The gems walked into the Big Donut. Lapis grabbed a copy of the Delmarva Post while Steven and Peridot approached the counter. Cartman was in another section, trying to figure out whether he wanted Cheesy Poofs or one of the more local snacks.

 

“Steven! Hey!” the girl behind the register—Peridot figured she was Sadie—greeted. “Bring some new friends with you?”

 

Steven wrapped his arm around to Peridot’s far shoulder to bring her into a tight squeeze—which Peridot found  _ extremely  _ uncomfortable, but she went with it to please Steven. “This is actually an old friend! She just keeps to herself! Her name’s Peridot, and she’s a Crystal Gem! Peridot, say hi!”

 

“Hi.”

 

Sadie narrowed her eyes. “Say, don't I know you from somewhere?”

 

“I tried to destroy your city,” Peridot said wearily. “And then I tried to contact my superiors after I got stranded here by hijacking your entertainment signals.”

 

Sadie snapped her fingers. “YOU’RE the TV lady! Huh! I wondered what that was about.”

 

“Now you ‘member.”

 

Steven gave Peridot an odd look. “Why do you keep talking like that?”

 

“It’s these berries,” Peridot said. She definitely sounded like she wanted to die. “Their mannerisms are annoying yet addictive. I can't stop imitating them, ‘member?” She held her jar up and placed it on the counter. “Please take them away from me. Their voices hurt my brain.”

 

Sadie stared at the Member Berries as they fondly ‘membered anything they could think of.

 

Cartman approached the counter and laid his Cheesy Poofs in front of Sadie. “Do you have anything bigger? These small bags make my hands look fat.”

 

Peridot glared at Cartman. “Your hands  _ are _ fat,” she muttered under her breath.

 

Evidently, he heard that. “They’re not fat, they’re big boned.”

 

Sadie looked at Cartman. “Who’s this little guy?” she asked adoringly.

 

“See, she says I’m little.”

 

Steven pointed to Cartman. “That’s Eric. He’s a Crystal Gem too!”

 

“It’s very nice to meet you, Eric.”

 

“Hey, can we go now? This mission is super seriously, you guys.” With that, Cartman left the building, leaving Peridot and Steven to pay for his Cheesy Poofs. 

 

Peridot glared in Cartman’s general direction some more before returning her attention to Sadie. “As the caretaker of this group, I feel it pertinent to mention that we don't have money. I do not have a job, Pearl is in Colorado, and Steven’s rich dad wouldn't give me his bank information because he was afraid I’d send his money to an email scammer. Whatever that means. The point is, I don't have any money whatsoever. Therefore, I suggest we trade for Eric’s food.”

 

Sadie shrugged. “You can have ‘em. Nobody’s buying those, we were just gonna throw them out.”

 

Peridot hoisted herself on the counter, staring intensely directly into Sadies eyes. “Please. I’m begging you. I can't spend one more minute with these gem-forsaken berries.” She leaned uncomfortably close. “I will literally die. I will take a hammer to my gem and shatter it myself. You will be directly responsible for an innocent gem’s death, do you understand?”

 

Sadie glanced uncomfortably at Steven, who smiled sheepishly. She gulped. “S-sorry, Peridot. I don't even know what they are. I don't think anybody will buy them.”

 

Peridot groaned. “Just take a few, okay? Give them out as free samples, consume them, I don't CARE. The less full this jar is, the better, I don't care if I have to give some to everyone on this planet.”

 

While Peridot and Steven bartered with Sadie, Butters approached Lapis. “Gee wiz, I never thought I’d meet a real life alien refugee! What’s outer space like?”

 

“Empty,” Lapis said without missing a beat.

 

“Oh. Well, where’d you come from?”

 

Lapis blinked. Suddenly, she looked nostalgic, and at the same time, sad. She ate another member berry, which she’d grabbed a handful of earlier. “Butters, right? Do you like it in South Park?”

 

“Oh boy, I sure do! Sure, for a quiet mountain town, there sure is a lot going on, but I think that’s what I like about it!”

 

Lapis looked back down at the newspaper. “Cherish it, Butters. Your home is sacred. It could be ripped from you at any moment.”

 

Peridot had finally convinced Sadie to grab a handful of member berries. “Victory! Haha! Peridot one, humans zero!” 

 

Sadie ate a berry, which was ‘membering Hall & Oates. “Hey, these are pretty good! You grew these?”

 

Peridot suddenly looked very proud of herself. “Yes, as annoying as these things are, I am quite proud to say that I am the one who cultivated them. I’m a professional.”

 

Sadie nodded. “You should sell ‘em! Everyone in Beach City would love ‘em!”

 

Steven smiled. “We can give out free samples while we’re on the mission! That way everyone knows about them!”

 

“Anything to get them out of my possession.”

 

Steven left after getting donuts for himself and Butters. He offered one to Peridot, but she refused; like Pearl, it seemed she was disgusted by the prospect of digesting things. Lapis didn't want one either, she was too busy eating member berries. 

 

She was also engrossed in the newspaper. “Have you seen this K.U.N.T?” she asked, pronouncing the acronym as if it were a word.

 

Steven coughed up part of his donut. “ _ Excuse me?! _ ” Lapis handed him the newspaper, and he read the headline wide-eyed, before sighing with relief. “Oh, it’s an ACRONYM. That makes sense.”

 

Lapis raised an eyebrow. “What did you think I said?” she asked before popping another berry (which was ‘membering Asia) into her mouth. 

 

Steven waved the question off. “Nothing, nothing, it doesn't matter. Let’s see here…” He skimmed the article. “Keep Undocumented Newbies Tame… list alien crimes… President Garrison… fifty billion… laughing stock of the world… Huh.” He handed the paper back to Lapis. “Right now, we need to focus on the mission.”

 

“When are we—” Peridot stopped herself when she realized she was walking alongside Cartman and Butters. She then whispered to Steven. “When are we sending Eric and Butters back to South Park?”

 

“Juuust as soon as we do a few missions,” Steven whispered back.

 

“A few?! Ugh! I don't have all day, ‘member?” Peridot complained.

 

“You had plans?”

 

Peridot stayed silent for a moment after that. “Okay, point taken.”

 

The group arrived at a clothing outlet, where they proceeded to try on new uniforms. Lapis was, for some reason, reluctant to cover the diamond on her dress, but she eventually relented. Cartman oversaw everything, sunglasses covering his eyes the entire time; Peridot and Steven figured letting him choose the new dress code was the way to go, it wasn't like they were going to wear these clothes after he was gone, anyway.

 

Butters liked the idea of wearing shirts with stars, but Eric vetoed it. Instead, they opted for something a little more stylish; when the group left (Peridot’s Member Berry jar slightly emptier than when they entered) they were all styled in what could be described as business casual. Eric, Steven, and Butters all wore two-piece suits; Steven’s was cream-colored, while the younger boys both wore black. None were wearing ties, and Cartman opted to leave the jacket open, based entirely on an outfit he saw a character in Grand Theft Auto V wear. Peridot, on the other hand, was wearing a navy blue pantsuit not unlike that of the Turd Sandwich, keeping her regular attire on underneath. The colors clashed, but she refused to remove her jumpsuit (mostly because she always wore it and didn't know what was underneath), so Cartman reluctantly let her keep it. Lapis’ outfit was similar to Peridot’s, although she DID remove her dress, replacing it with a red collared undershirt. Finally, at Steven and Butters’ request, and in compromise with Cartman, the outfits DID contain stars; each of them wore a star-shaped pin on their lapels, which appeased both sides. 

 

The group admired their reflections in the window. Cartman smiles at how totally awesome he looked. “Alright, kewl,” he said. “I think this team has come a long way.”

 

“How are we supposed to protect Earth in these?” Peridot asked. The outfits were hardly practical.

 

“Doesn't matter, we’ll look totally badass doing it, like Professor X or James Bond.”

 

Peridot glanced at Steven, who shrugged and leaned over to whisper again. “It’s not like we’ll actually fight anything,” he said. “We’re just trying to show Eric a good time until he gets bored, let him have a little fun.”

 

Peridot was growing increasingly annoyed with Cartman’s antics, but nevertheless, they proceeded to wander the town, looking for things to do. Peridot gave her Member Berries to anybody who would take them, and before long, only three remained in her jar.

 

“Finally, these things are almost gone,” she sighed in relief. Lapis reached into the jar, but Peridot yanked it away. “Ah-ah-ah! I think you’ve had enough, ‘member?” Lapis didn't answer; she was staring blankly into the distance. Peridot narrowed her eyes. “Sure, don't answer me.”

 

Cartman interrupted. “Hey, guys? Are there any super kewl high-tech refugee bases on this planet?”

 

Peridot scoffed. “Hardly. All we have is the temple.” Suddenly, she had an idea. She knew how to keep Cartman busy! What does any bratty human kid want more than anything? “Heyyy, Steven,” she said slyly. “Why don't we show Eric around the temple?”

 

“The temple? I don't know…”

 

“Maybe you can show him your video games?” Peridot said. She hoped her tone was getting the point across.

 

Cartman blinked. “Video games?”

 

Steven nodded. “My dad was able to get me that new console.”

 

Cartman’s eyes widened. “The Nintendo Switch?! The midnight launch is TONIGHT, you have it already?! We have to go there, we need to go to the temple right now!”

 

Steven crossed his arms. “I don't know if-”

 

“Come on, Steven!” Peridot said, wrapping her arm around to Steven’s far shoulder. “ _ It’ll be fun,”  _ she said through gritted teeth. Anything to keep Eric busy…

 

“Yes.” Lapis suddenly spoke up in a very slow, dull, monotonous voice—more so than usual, anyway. “Let us all head to the temple. This is the appropriate course of action.”

 

The group was silent for a moment. Peridot broke the silence. “See? She agrees with me! This is why we’re roommates. You  _ understand  _ me!”

 

Lapis didn't respond—she had gone back to staring blankly into nothingness.

 

“She understands,” Peridot repeated, seeming not to notice that her closest friend was completely unresponsive.

 

Steven shrugged. “Alright. I guess we can head to the temple.” With that, the group made their way to the temple.

 


	5. The Pink Panther

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Crystal Gems have dinner with the Marsh family. Meanwile, Peridot reveals her true mission on Earth, and Lapis finds comfort in nostalgia.

Stan stared at his new houseguests, mouth agape. Across from him were Garnet, as well as two new guests, who his father introduced as Amethyst and Pearl. The rest of the table stared as well while Randy simply ate.

 

“So, how was school, Stan?” he asked. It seemed he was just going to act like this was all totally normal. Stan didn't answer. He was still staring at the guests. “Stan? How was school? ...Stan?”

 

Sharon cleared her throat. “Pearl, would you like anything?”

 

Pearl glared at the food on the table. “No thank you. I don't mean to be rude, it’s just… I’m not a fan of eating.”

 

Sharon looked at Randy. “Randy, where are they going to be staying?” she asked under her breath. 

 

Randy swallowed. “Oh, they don't need a place to stay. The Crystal Gems don't sleep.” So it seemed he was going to act like that sentence was totally normal, too. “Stan, can you pass the butter?” 

 

“So, uh… Garnet, Amethyst, Pearl…” Sharon began. “Tell us about yourselves.”

 

Pearl hummed. “Well, I suppose it all started a few thousand years ago—”

 

Garnet interrupted her. “Stanley. Where does your friend Kenny live?”

 

Stan raised an eyebrow. “His house is in the old SoDoSoPa district. Why?”

 

Garnet stood up. “I’ll be back in a few minutes,” she said nonchalantly before leaving. 

 

Pearl snapped her fingers. “That reminds me! Stan! Wendy Testaburger needs to meet with you as soon as possible.”

 

Stan’s eyes widened. “She does?! Where?!”

 

“Stark’s Pond.” Stan immediately jumped out of his seat and ran out the door.

 

The table was silent for a minute or two. Finally, Randy grumbled, “We can't ever have a nice family dinner, can we?”

 

“Randy, can I talk to you in the kitchen?” Sharon said, glaring at her husband. He knew that look. He did something wrong… but what?

 

Randy and Sharon went into the kitchen, leaving Shelly and Grandpa Marsh with Amethyst and Pearl. “Who the hell are these people?”

 

“I told you, Sharon, they’re some old friends,” Randy said urgently. “Look, I think South Park is in real danger here. These three can help.”

 

“WHAT danger?! Because Eric Cartman put a rock in his belly button and said he was an alien?! Is that what this is about?”

 

Randy sighed. “I can't expect you to understand, Sharon. There are so many other planets out there full of alien life. Not all of them are so nice.” The geologist marched over to the window and stared out at the mountains. “Think about everything that’s happened recently, just in the last two years. Holograms. Ads. Whole Foods. The Member Berries. It all happened HERE, in South Park.” He turned around to face his wife. “There’s something in South Park that half of the universe wants. The Homeworld Gems have the means to get it.”

 

Sharon rolled her eyes. “Okay. Let’s suppose there is a planet of malevolent space people out to destroy humanity for some reason or another, and those three weirdos are the only people who can stop them. What exactly is in South Park that these people could possibly want?”

 

Randy shrugged. “Beats me, I haven't seen that new mute kid at Stan’s school in forever.”

 

“What?!”

 

“Sharon, I don't know what half the universe wants with South Park. But there’s gotta be SOMETHING here they all want!” He turned away, trying to think. “Why else do you think we can't go more than a week without a UFO crashing down on the mall or a celebrity trying to kill us or the whole entire U.S. Government trying to lock us down…” Randy sighed. “It seems like every time something fucked up happens, it happens right here, in South Park. There has to be an explanation.”

 

Sharon closed her eyes for a moment and sighed. When she reopened them, she didn't see the idiot she remarried; she saw a man desperate to protect his family. She saw a man who wouldn't lie to her. She saw a man who was only trying to do the right thing.

 

She saw the man she married the first time. Back when South Park really was a quiet little mountain town. Back when her son lit cow poop for fun. Back before it seemed like her life revolved around whatever was trending on Twitter or in the news that week.

 

Sharon sighed again. “Alright, Randy. I trust you.”

 

Randy’s smiled. 

 

Back in the other room, Pearl was telling Shelly her life story.

 

“—so then, George Washington, his entire army completely demoralized, called upon us to help him cross the Delaware River. This, of course, would later become a pivotal—”

 

Shelly groaned under her breath. “God, I hate this family.”

 

Garnet re-entered the room. “Crisis averted,” she said as she sat back down.

 

Amethyst yawned, having eaten all of her food (and most of Stan’s). “Where’d you go?” she asked. 

 

“One of Stan’s friends was in serious—” Garnet paused, then groaned. “I’ll be right back.” She got up and left the house again.

 

Amethyst shrugged and turned to Pearl. “So. How much longer do we gotta hang out in South Park?”

 

“We can leave just as soon as Randy’s mind is at ease,” Pearl assured her. “Hmm. I hope Steven’s okay.”

 

“Pfffft, he’ll be fine! He’s with P-Dot and Lapis, what’s the worst that could happen?”

* * *

 

Lapis laid down on Steven’s sofa and stared blankly up at the ceiling. Beside her, a small stereo set played a tape deck, which happened to be Toto’s  _ Africa  _ on a constant loop.

 

“ _ It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you. _ ”

 

Lapis blinked slowly and reached up towards the ceiling, not expecting to really grab anything. She’d never be able to reach as far as she wanted.

 

“ _ There’s nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do.” _

 

Peridot glanced down worriedly at her friend. Steven, who was showing Cartman the new Zelda game, took notice. “Hey, Peridot. You alright?”

 

Peridot snapped out of her trance. “I’m fine. It’s just… Lapis Lazuli has been listening to that same song on repeat for the last hour, ‘member? What’s she thinking about?”

 

Suddenly, there was a loud knock at the door. Peridot held her hand up to signal to Steven to stay seated. “I’ll get it,” she said. She hopped down to the first floor and opened the door, greeting a very severe looking man in what appeared to be a tactical combat uniform. She blinked. “Can I help you?”

 

“Good evening,” the man greeted, holding up a badge as he spoke. “Lt. O’Donovan, K.U.N.T. operative. There have been reports of… suspicious sightings in this area. Tell me, have you encountered any… strange characters lately?”

 

Peridot rolled her eyes. “Everything is strange on this planet,” she said. “You’re going to have to be more specific than that, ‘member?”

 

While Peridot was busy, Lapis looked over at the jar of Member Berries on the table next to her. 

 

“‘Member Homeworld?”

 

“‘Member not being trapped?”

 

“‘Member Blue Diamond?”

 

Lapis blinked slowly. “Yeah… I ‘member…” Suddenly, she ‘membered the whole reason she needed the others to come here. Sitting up, she stared at the temple door, then back down at the Member Berries.

 

“Miss, this is very serious government business,” the man speaking to Peridot continued. “I need you to be cooperative. Have you seen anything… out of this world?”

 

“Out of this world specifically? Not as much as I would have liked.”

 

“What do you mean by that?”

 

Lapis carried the jar over to the door. She wouldn't be able to open it, obviously. Not even Peridot had a room in this temple—unless the bathroom counted. She wouldn't need to open it, however.

 

“Miss, please answer my questions. Have you seen any alien activity?”

 

“Hah! Is that what this is about? Why didn't you just say so?”

 

Lapis opened the jar and slowly lowered the berries to their destination.

 

“Well howdy, Lapis!” Butters suddenly said, startling Lapis. She nearly dropped the jar, but caught it and capped the lid back on.

 

“Butters. I thought you were with Steven.”

 

“What’re you doing?”

 

“It’s not really any of your business.”

 

Butters marveled at the door. “Whoooa. What is this?”

 

Lapis glared up at the doorway. “This is the door into the Crystal Gems’ temple.”

 

“Gee whiz,” Butters said, clearly entranced by the door. “What’s in there?”

 

“I have no idea. Only they can enter.”

 

Butters looked confused. “I thought you were a Crystal Gem?”

 

Lapis scoffed. “I’m a temp. Peridot’s the only one that they trust enough to really call a ‘member’, and she doesn't even have access to the temple yet.” Butters looked back up at the door. “Not that I’d want to call myself one of them. I spent a thousand years imprisoned by them.”

 

Butters blinked. “You  _ what? _ ”

 

“Kept me in a mirror. Didn't even try to help.”

 

The berries goaded Lapis some more. “‘Member Malachite?”

 

Lapis glared back up at the door. “I’ve been a prisoner my entire life. I’m still a prisoner, stuck on this rock because the Crystal Gems ruined my chances of ever staying in my superiors’ good graces again.”

 

Butters looked shocked. “Well, gee, Lapis. Do- do they know how you feel?”

 

“They don't care.”

 

“‘Member freedom?”

 

“They never cared.”

 

“‘Member feeling safe?”

 

“All they care about is this  _ stupid planet _ !”

 

Unknowingly, she’d been gripping jar too hard. It cracked in her hands, which caused Butters to back up slightly—this was enough to snap her out of it. Seeing what she was doing, she gasped and dropped the jar, which shattered upon hitting the floor. The berries rolled under the door.

 

“Lapis! Are you okay?” Butters exclaimed. Steven noticed the commotion and went to go investigate, while Cartman kept playing. 

 

Lapis glanced down at her hands just as Steven arrived. What had gotten into her? It seemed like she hadn't injured herself, but… it was like she was in a trance.

 

“Is everything alright?” Steven asked, a look of concern on his face. Peridot noticed as well.

 

“Excuse me for a moment.” She closed the door on the K.U.N.T. officer and ran to Lapis. “Hey! Whoa! What’s going on?”

 

“I… don't know,” Lapis said finally. “Something triggered a bad memory or… something. All I could think about was how bleak and hopeless things used to be for me. And I just got angrier and angrier at… nothing at all.”

 

Peridot glared at Butters. “Oh, for crying out loud, did you use the j-word at her?”

 

“Jew?”

 

“No, Ja- ugh. Never mind. Lapis, are you okay?”

 

Lapis nodded slowly. “I’m fine now. Thanks.”

 

While the group, save for Cartman, comforted Lapis, the agent outside radioed his superior. “Sir, we’ve got a house out in Beach City that I think is worth checking out. I just met a woman who I’m almost certain is…” he paused for dramatic effect. “Super into me.”

 

“Dammit, O’Donovan, now is not the time to be picking up chicks.”

 

“Fine. Well, I think our leads end here, then. No sign of the Crystal Gems anywhere in Beach City. The closest thing we’ve got is the green midget in this house here.”

 

There was a pause. “...green midget? O’Donovan. I think you just might have found… A leprechaun.”

 

O’Donovan looked surprised. He had found a real leprechaun. “What do I do, sir?”

 

“The President needs to know. Report back to Washington immediately.”

 

“Yes, sir!”

 

The Member Berry trio tried to navigate the confusing temple, whose layout seemed to disobey all logic and reason. “Which way is it, ‘member?” one asked.

 

“Oh, I ‘member which way, it’s this way, ‘member?”

 

“No, no, it’s this way, ‘member?”

 

“Oh, yeah, I ‘member! ‘Member Han shot first?”

 

“I ‘member that Han shot first! You ‘member?”

 

“I ‘member!”

 

The berries continued to hop around, searching for their destination. After what seemed like forever, they finally reached a room whose intense heat was almost unbearable. “This is the place, ‘member?”

 

“Yeah, I ‘member!”

 

They had reached the Burning Room. As they explored the room, they heard a group of familiar voices ‘membering the good times. Investigating the source, they found a jar full of Member Berries; likely ones that one of the Crystal Gems had bubbled before making their way to South Park.

 

“‘Member the war on drugs?”

 

“‘Member trickle-down economics?”

 

“‘Member the Berlin Wall?”

 

The free berries began hopping. Each hop took them higher and higher, until eventually they got enough air to touch the bubble that trapped their friends. Together, the three made one last jump and pushed the bubble against the wall, popping it. The jar fell to the ground and shattered. Hundreds of Member Berries were now free.

 

“So, what now, ‘member?”

 

“Don't you ‘member?”

 

“Oh, I ‘member.”

 

The berries got to work, popping every bubble they could find.

 

Back in the beach house, the entire group sat and watched as Cartman played his game.

 

“The Switch is so awesome, you guys, it’s too bad you can't play,” he said. None of them really wanted to play. Not even Steven.

 

Peridot and Lapis both laid down on Steven’s bed, staring up at the ceiling. Lapis had calmed down now, but Peridot was still worried. “Lapis?”

 

“What.”

 

“You know if there's something on your mind, you can tell me, right?”

 

Lapis was silent for a moment. “There’s not really anything on my mind.”

 

“Lapis.”

 

“I said I’m fine,” she said, raising her voice slightly. “Drop it.”

 

“I… alright,” Peridot conceded. 

 

The conflict was making Steven uncomfortable. He needed to find something to distract everyone from whatever just happened… but what?

 

Cartman farted. “Heh. Heheh. Somebody’s baking brownies.”

 

That worked.

 

“Hey, Lapis, quit being so mopey, you know? So fuckin’ what, you were a mirror for a while, get over it,” Cartman said. He proceeded to mock her voice. “Myeh myeh myeh myeh, I was trapped in an emotionally abusive fusion for a year! I’m traumatized forever!”

 

Lapis glared. Peridot frowned. That was the last straw. Cartman had to go.

 

Butters stood up. “Eric, I really think we oughta find your real mom.”

 

Peridot had an idea.

 

“Oh, you didn't know, Butters?” she asked, feigning concern. “Eric doesn't HAVE a mom!”

 

“Huh?”

 

“Yes, it’s true,” she continued. She spoke in an overly dramatic tone, as if she were relaying some horrible, horrible news. “It’s so tragic. You see, when a gem-human hybrid is created, the mother… passes.”

 

“Eric’s mom is dead?”

 

“She’s not just dead! She doesn't EXIST anymore. The gem in Eric’s belly button is all that’s left of dear… uh…” she tried to think of a name. “Pink Panther.”

 

“Oh, hamburgers!”

 

“Oh hamburgers indeed, Butters,” Peridot nodded.

 

Steven raised an eyebrow. “Peridot, what are you doing?”

 

Peridot grinned. She almost looked unstable. Steven could tell she’d had it with Cartman. “Following orders, that’s what. When I came to Earth, I was given a top-secret mission. I was to find… and SHATTER the Pink Panther.”

 

Butters gasped. “You’re gonna kill Eric?!”

 

Cartman glanced up from his game. “Excuse me?”

 

Steven groaned. “Peridot, come on, can't we—”

 

Peridot stood up and moved to Cartman.

 

“What the fuck are you— AY! DON’T TOUCH MY GEM, ASSHOLE!”

 

Peridot yanked the gem out of Cartman’s naval. “I’m sorry, Steven. We were never friends. I needed to get close to you to find the Pink Panther! But wait! This gem came out of Cartman’s belly like it was nothing! That’s strange… Perhaps if I…”

 

Peridot angrily threw the “gem” on the ground and stomped on it repeatedly, laughing maniacally as she did so. This felt so good. Unlike a real gem would have been, the fake was crushed into tiny pieces as Peridot yelled angrily at nothing, her face turning red. When she was done, she stopped to catch her breath, before calmly sitting back down. “We knew you were faking from the moment you walked in that barn,” she concluded.

 

Cartman stared angrily at the pieces of his gem, then at Peridot, then back at his gem again. “The fuuuuck?”

 

Steven glared. “Peridot!”

 

“I just did us all a favor.”

 

Butters stared at Cartman, mouth agape. “Eric?”

 

Cartman suddenly realized he was supposed to be dying right now. “Um, oh noooo. Nooooo, I’m going to die. Nooooooo,” he said in a high-pitched, whiny voice as he collapsed on the ground.

 

“Eric!” Butters yelled as he ran over to his friend.

 

“Oh, please,” Peridot said as she rolled her eyes. “Give it up, Cartman.”

 

Butters looked up at Peridot desperately. “Please! You gotta save Eric! I know your leaders told you to kill him, but… but you don't have to do what they say! Earth is your home now! They don't care about you back on your home planet!”

 

Lapis blinked. “Yeah… Yeah, they don't, do they?”

 

Peridot stared at Lapis, exasperated. “Really? You’re entertaining this?”

 

Steven snapped his fingers. “I know how we can save Eric! We need to take him back to his hometown, where his body will… Uh… Heal on its own!”

 

Butters’ eyes widened. “You gotta help me take Eric back to South Park! If my parents find out I got my friend killed, I’ll be grounded for sure!”

 

Steven stood up. “Come on, Butters! We have a friend to save!” He, Lapis, and Butters grabbed Cartman and ran out the door. Peridot stayed put.

 

“Am I the only one in this city who isn't totally insane?” she asked herself. Nonetheless, she sighed, stood up, and followed her friends out—but not before she was stopped by Mayor Dewey.

 

“You! This is all your fault!” he yelled.

 

Peridot seemed unamused. “Get in line. What horrible thing have I done now?”

 

“You’re one of the Crystal Gems, aren't you?”

 

“Yes, I’m a Crystal Gem, and I have important business to-”

 

Dewey wouldn't let her pass. “So, you’ve infiltrated the Crystal Gems, and now you’re passing around poisonous berries to MY citizens, is that it?”

 

“Poisonous?”

 

Dewey held up a few Member Berries. “‘Member Reagan?”

 

“‘Member the Cold War?”

 

“‘Member when marriage was between a man and a woman?”

 

Mayor Dewey glared down at Peridot. “You said that these THINGS would make people feel better. But they DON’T! They just make you think everything that happens today is horrible! And then when they have you paying attention, they start feeding you with HORRIBLE messages!”

 

“‘Member the Doomsday Clock?”

 

“‘Member Vietnam?”

 

“‘Member the REAL Storm Troopers?”

 

“Unluckily for YOU, the people of Beach City are a LITTLE smarter than that!”

 

Peridot didn't get it. “So what’s the problem?”

 

“So they’re all here to kill you.”

 

“What?” Peridot glanced past Mayor Dewey. She was greeted by an angry mob which was approaching the temple. “Oh, hamburgers,” she muttered. 

 

Steven and Lapis walked back up the steps. “Come on, Peridot,” Steven said. “We have to go help Eric.” 

 

As if on cue, Butters returned, breathing heavily as he carried Cartman up the steps. “Come on, fellas! We gotta get moving if we’re gonna get back to Colorado in time!”

 

“Yup, you’re right, let’s go!” Peridot said, quickly trying to rush out before the mob arrived. It was too late. The mob was already here, and they looked PISSED. “AH! Steven! We need to go, let’s go, right now!”

 

“What’s going on?”

 

“Nothing, we need to go!”

 

Peridot tried to push her friends in some other direction, but it was far, far too late. Several members of the mob had made their way up the stairs and cornered the trio. Lars and Ronaldo led the mob.

 

“There she is!” Lars yelled. “That’s the one that gave us the tainted berries!”

 

“Yeah!” The crowd yelled in unison. “Rabble rabble rabble!” They continued to rabble.

 

Ronaldo stepped forward. “Isn't she ALSO the one that tried to kill us all with her spaceship and television broadcasts two years ago?”

 

Peridot frowned. “Don't be ridiculous! I wouldn't! Couldn't! It would have been far too much work for an Era 2 Peridot such as myself. My plan was to get OTHER people to kill you all! That’s not nearly as bad!”

 

This did not calm the crowd. Steven stepped in front of Peridot as the crowd drew nearer. “Whoa! Guys! Let’s think about this for a second!”

 

“Stand aside, Steven,” Ronaldo said. “We’re making a citizen’s arrest.”

 

Steven put his hands on his hips and looked at the crowd in a disapproving manner. “This is NOT the Beach City I know. Something’s up with you guys!”

 

Peridot realized something. “The berries are clouding their judgement. They’re ALL under the berries’ influence!” She stared slowly at Lapis, who, presumably, had been as well. Perhaps she still was. It was hard to tell. What she did know is that this, on top of Lapis’ outburst earlier, was entirely her fault.

 

Lars groaned. “Gah! It doesn't MATTER! K.U.N.T. is offering a reward to anyone who can turn in someone like her!”

 

Steven glared. “I’M like her. We’re practically family. Are you going to turn ME over to President Garrison, too?”

 

The crowd went silent. They all stared at each other. Finally, Lars spoke up. “That’s a great idea!”

 

The crowd began to advance. Steven yelled in surprise. “Run!” he shouted. His friends all ran back into the beach house, which was futile, as the townspeople continued to pour in. Steven led everyone onto the warp pad. Cartman was still pretending to be dead, so he and Butters were the last ones on the pad.

 

“Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go, LET’S GO!” Peridot yelled.

 

“Where?!”

 

“I DON’T CARE WHERE, WE NEED TO GO!”

 

“Oh, hamburgers!” Butters yelled. He tried to calm himself down. “Loo loo loo, I’ve got some apples…”

 

Suddenly, the ground shook, and the door to the temple, for the first time that Steven could remember, was destroyed. Hundreds of Member Berries poured out, followed by hundreds of corrupted gem monsters. Frightened, the angry mobs turned and ran. Steven, completely surprised by the turn of events, yelled again and the warp activated, taking the group away.

 

While they travelled to the next warp pad, Peridot couldn't help but  _ hate herself. _

 

_ You did this, ‘member?  _ a voice in her head told her.  _ This is your fault. _

 

_ I know,  _ she thought glumly. Peridot knew, in this moment, that she was  _ absolutely irredeemable, and everyone hated her, including Steven and Lapis, the only people whose opinions mattered to her. _

 

_ Sad! _


	6. Predictable Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peridot reflects on the very naughty things she's done as the group makes its way to South Park. Meanwhile, Stan and Wendy make a new friend.

Peridot sat on top of the warp pad, trying to process everything that just happened. She single-handedly destroyed a town. Beach City would fall into ruin, and it was entirely her fault. She did exactly the opposite of what she promised to do when she renounced her leaders. Having since ditched the stupid pantsuit Cartman made her wear, she put a hand to her chest, right over the faded insignia which is worn by all of Yellow Diamond’s followers. She… was just like them. She was never any different, she only convinced herself she was. 

 

The warp had taken them to South Park. Or, at least, it took them as close to South Park as they could get via teleport. The GPS on Steven’s phone placed them in Denver, Colorado. Specifically, they were in what appeared to be a baseball field within Denver. Advertisements for Coors beverages could be seen around the stadium, and the pad formed the central mound of the field. It was so much bigger than the field that Steven built for their game against the Rubies, and it made Peridot feel so small. 

 

South Park was about an hour and a half out, but for right now, they all just stayed put. Everyone needed a moment to calm down and process just what the hell happened back there.

 

So, first thing’s first. The Member Berries Peridot gave to the townspeople clouded their judgement and turned them into angry, paranoid, nostalgia-driven maniacs. That was most definitely her fault. They also turned Lapis into a nostalgia zombie of sorts, and although she seemed to be recovering, this, also, was Peridot’s fault. Then, somehow, the berries managed to infiltrate the deepest parts of the temple, where all of the corrupted gem monsters were kept in bubbles. They popped the bubbles and released the monsters to the world. Was… that her fault, too? She had been the one to suggest they take Cartman to the temple.

 

The more Peridot thought about it, the more sure she was that she’d accidentally brought about the end of the world. Or maybe it was on purpose. She now knew that simply being in the berries’ presence had influenced her speech patterns somewhat. The more she thought about it, she even had lingering thoughts about returning to Homeworld. She had some sort of deep-seated nostalgia for the days when she wasn't an enemy to her own kind. So maybe some part of her purposely wanted to sabotage the Crystal Gems, subconsciously. 

 

She really didn't know at this point. So she sat and loathed herself for a bit. That would make her feel better. While she sat, Butters approached and sat down next to her. “Whatcha thinkin’ about?” he asked apprehensively.

 

“How I single-handedly doomed your entire planet to devastation.” She didn't look Butters in the eye, but she did cast a sideways glance to him for just a moment. “You do realize Eric’s faking his condition, right?”

 

Butters nodded slowly. “Steven told me.”

 

Oh, God. Steven. “Is he mad at me?” They both looked over at Steven, who was pacing circles around home plate with a distressed look on his face. Yeah. He was definitely mad. Just like the Crystal Gems probably will be. Peridot could see it now. If they ever took the temple back from the Member Berries and re-bubbled all of the corrupted gem monsters, Peridot would almost certainly join all of them. She was a traitor to the traitors. They’d poof her as soon as they learned what she’d done, she was sure of it. She’d spend the rest of her pathetic life in a bubble, trapped within the burning room, and she’d deserve it entirely.

 

Honestly? That wasn't the part that frightened her. She absolutely deserved any punishment that was handed down to her. She knew it. What frightened her was the idea of disappointing the Crystal Gems. Of disappointing Steven. Even though she didn't really show it all that much, in the two years she’d been on Earth, she really grew to care about them, but more importantly, she cared about their OPINIONS of her. Was it egotistical? Sure. But that’s where her priorities were at the moment. 

 

Butters interrupted her thoughts. “Aw, heck. He can't be too mad atcha! You didn't know any of this was gonna happen!”

 

“I think part of me did.” Their control over her was at a much deeper, much more subconscious level, but Peridot was sure the Member Berries had corrupted her. The issue was that the berries, as far as she could tell, preyed on feelings that were already there. Lapis longed to return to Homeworld. Peridot knew that. She did too. But Peridot also had explicit thoughts, on occassion, about how she’d get back in Yellow Diamond’s good graces, should she ever need to do so. 

 

Most of those thoughts involved hurting Steven or allowing him to be hurt. That’s what scared her the most. In this moment, she was finally able to admit to herself that she, if only briefly, entertained the idea of bringing harm to Steven by shattering him or delivering him to Homeworld to be shattered in order to lessen the punishment she herself would be given for her prior insubordination. She thought about hurting her friend. Good people do not think about that. Peridot was not a good person or a good friend. She knew this now.

 

_ I always thought I might be bad,  _ she thought to herself.  _ Now I know that it’s true. _

 

Butters spoke up again. “Hey! Peridot! Snap out of it! We’re in a real pickle, and gosh dang it, we gotta work together to get out of it. I know you probably feel real bad about what happened, but we can't just sit around and feel sorry for ourselves!”

 

“Why not?”

 

“Because then we’re just gonna make the same mistakes again later!” Butters said, smiling at Peridot. “The whole point of mistakes is that we learn from them!”

 

“I’ve made huge mistakes.”

 

“So you’re gonna learn some huge lessons!” That was… one way of looking at it.

 

“Butters is right,” Steven said from Peridot’s other side, startling her.

 

“Steven! Don't sneak up on me like that!”

 

“Sorry.”

 

Peridot frowned and looked down at the ground. “No, I’M sorry. This is… all my fault.” She sighed and closed her eyes. Then, she groaned and let herself fall to the floor in frustration. She opened her eyes and stared up at the night sky. She tried not to think about the fact that she could see Homeworld’s galaxy from here. “The second I even suspected those stupid berries had any mind-altering properties, I should have secluded them in the barn where nobody could get to them.” She closed her eyes again. “I deserve to be shattered for my incompetence.”

 

“No, you don't,” Steven said, shaking his head. “Peridot, I KNOW you didn't mean for any of what happened back there to happen.”

 

“Yes I did. Subconsciously.”

 

“Well your subconscious is dumb!” Steven retorted. “My subconscious tells me to cook powdered donut pancakes sometimes! That doesn't mean I ACTUALLY want to do it, because that’s super bad for you! Don't worry about your subconscious! Worry about your heart!”

 

“I don't have any of your human organs,” Peridot said, missing the metaphor.

 

“No, it’s— ugh! This stuff is really hard to explain when I’m all stressed out!”

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“Stop apologizing. You didn't know any of this would happen.”

 

Lapis approached the group. “If it makes you feel any better, I’m the one who dropped the berries under the door.”

 

Steven smiled. “Yeah! And I let Eric’s game go on way too long!”

 

Butters nodded. “Yeah! See! We can all take a little bit of the blame!”

 

Peridot thought about it for a moment, and smiled slightly. “That does make me feel a little better, knowing that it was a team effort. Thanks, guys.”

 

“It was everyone’s fault!” Steven laughed merrily. 

 

Cartman approached the group and yawned. “Not me. I just wanted to play superheroes, you guys are the ones that screwed it all up.”

 

Butters frowned. “Eric, you lied to Heidi! You told her you actually were a space alien!”

 

Eric sighed. “Butters, she was in on it.”

 

“Huh?”

 

“She and I thought that if I pretended to be an alien refugee, that other aliens would take interest and reveal themselves to Earth.” He glanced at Peridot and Lapis. “It kind of worked.”

 

Peridot groaned again, still lying on the ground. “My residence on this planet isn't even a SECRET!”

 

Steven shook his head. “It doesn't matter, now. We need to meet back up with the rest of the Crystal Gems. How are we gonna get to South Park?”

 

The group all thought of ways they could get to South Park from here. “Uber?” Cartman suggested casually.

* * *

 

Wendy stood in front of Stark’s Pond, waiting. She stared out across the water, wondering how this was all going to go. Would Stan even be able to help her? It seemed like he was just on the right track to becoming his father, and his father was an idiot who couldn't get anything done.

 

How much longer would it take for him to get here? Surely Pearl had already seen him by now. Was he avoiding her? Did he think this wasn't worth his time? How dare he—

 

“Hey, Wendy,” Stan said casually as he approached the pond. “Didn't think you’d want to see me again.”

 

“Hi, Stan. Listen, I’ve… been doing some thinking. The student body at our school is too divided.”

 

There was a beat of silence.

 

“You’re the one who encouraged that division.”

 

Wendy groaned. “Yeah, and now I want to fix things.”

 

“Wendy, I don't think it’s something we CAN fix.” He put his hands in his pocket. “It’s just like, you know, things are just sort of naturally going back to normal. Like somebody hit a reset button or something.”

 

“It’s not happening fast enough. We’re going to be in the fifth grade before things are truly back to the way they should be.”

 

“Okay.”

 

Wendy glared at Stan. “Don't you care?”

 

“Wendy, I’m glad you wanted to see me,” Stan began, “but the gender war just isn't on my mind right now. We’ve all sort of moved on to more important things.”

 

“Like what?”

 

“My aunts are in town, or someth—” Stan was cut off by a slight splash in the center of the lake. Both he and Wendy stared at it curiously. “What the hell?” Another splash, this time closer. Then another. And another. And another. Suddenly, the splash was much, much larger, drenching Stan and Wendy in the chilly pond water. “Aw- awwww!” Stan complained. Out of the pond came a large, monstrous figure, which looked like a light-blue, slightly translucent bear-shaped figure. It also had a stone in its face. These details were completely lost on Stan, who nearly shit his pants.

 

“Jesus Christ!” he yelled, grabbing Wendy’s hand and running in the other direction. 

 

“Stan?! What is that?!”

 

“I don't know! How the hell would I know?!” The two ran from Stark’s Pond and the monster—but the monster was faster. It cut them off in one direction, so they changed course. Then it cut them off again. And again. And again. Somehow, they were surrounded in all four directions by this single creature. “God dammit! How are we supposed to avoid this thing if it keeps cutting us off!” Stan yelled.

 

The two made their way to Shi Tpa Town, which was strikingly empty tonight, as it was a Wednesday and gentrified districts of this nature all seem to completely shut down at ten for some reason. What’s up with that? 

 

The kids ran into an alleyway between City Wok and Skeeter’s Wine Bar, where they were able to catch their breath, but the monster was still out there.

 

“We can't outrun this thing!” Stan yelled. “Okay, we need to think! Who can help us?”

 

“The new school chef is really strong! She threw that tetherball pole! Maybe she’d be able to scare it away, but…” Wendy thought about it. “We don't even know where she is.”

 

Stan blinked. “No. But I know how we can find her.” Stan walked out into the street, towards the monster.

 

“Stan! What are you doing?!” Wendy asked in a hushed tone. 

 

Stan glared at the monster and took a deep breath. “God damn it, this better work,” he muttered to himself. “Oh my god!” he yelled, drawing the monster’s attention. “You killed Kenny!” The monster started running towards Stan. “You bastar— ohhhh shit! Run Wendy, run!” he turned around and started running down the street, in the opposite direction of Wendy. He tripped over a rock and fell flat on his face. Yelling, he tried to get back up, but the monster was already over him. 

 

“Stan!” Wendy yelled. 

 

Before he could be mauled horribly, however, the monster disappeared in a cloud of dust, the rock in its face falling onto the ground.

 

Standing above Stan, now, was Garnet. “Where’s Kenny?” she asked, completely straight-faced.

 

Stan glared. “Dude, are you SERIOUS?! I almost died just now!”

 

Garnet adjusted her visor. “No you didn't. Is Kenny alright?”

 

Stan rolled his eyes. “Kenny’s fine, he’s probably sleeping.”

 

“Good.” Garnet smiled slightly, knelt down, and held out her hand, which Stan grabbed and pulled on to stand back up. 

 

“What was that thing?” Wendy asked, approaching the two.

 

Garnet paused for a moment. “It was a Dire Bear,” she said. “You know what a Dire Bear is, right?”

 

Stan glared again. “Yes, I know what a Dire Bear is, and that was not a Dire Bear. We need to know what the hell is going on, so PLEASE don't be like every other grown-up in South Park and actually help us instead.”

 

Garnet frowned again. “Kids are smarter than I give them credit for. Rose always was better at seeing that.” She stood up. “Alright. You deserve to know the truth. The truth is, your father asked us to watch after you.”

 

“But WHY?”

 

“Because of your friend, Eric Cartman.” Garnet placed her hands around the rock, and somehow, it was surrounded in a bubble, which amazed Wendy but honestly was a little mundane for Stan. She then tapped the top of it, and it was sent off to wherever. “Your friend claims to be from another planet, yeah?”

 

Stan looked at the ground. “Yeah. Honestly, I kind of feel bad for him. He’s really lost it.”

 

“Perhaps. But he did get one thing right.” She turned around and started down the street. Wendy shot Stan a confused glance. He shrugged and started to follow Garnet. “His claims that there are beings from another planet on Earth are not false.”

 

Stan rolled his eyes. “Well, yeah, I knew that.”

 

“You did?”

 

“Let’s see, we’ve got Visitors, Captain Standish, the Advertisements,” Stan began to list off all of the aliens he’d met. “Once we stole some space cash and the Intergalactic Police put a dome around the planet—”

 

“That was  _ you? _ ” Garnet asked incredulously. “Do you know how difficult that was to remove? That—” She put a hand to her face and groaned. “That's not important. What is important is that the monster you just saw was one of those things.” She turned slightly to face the kids and lowered her visor, revealing her third eye. “As am I.”

 

Wendy gasped, but Stan didn't look surprised at all. “Well, duh.”

 

Garnet frowned and pushed her visor back onto her face. “Why doesn't any of this surprise you?”

 

“Because, dude, it’s really, really, really obvious,” Stan said. “Things around here just kind of follow a structure. First, Cartman says or does something retarded, like that he’s an alien from another galaxy or that the government did 9/11.” He listed these things on his fingers while he spoke. “Then, something kind of related and usually political happens, like the President issuing an executive order that bans aliens from coming here. We then learn that the totally stupid thing Cartman said or did was either totally true or pointed to some kind of truth. What was a very small problem becomes a global thing and everyone gets involved, something totally insane and hard to explain happens, like an alien bear monster coming out of the pond to attack me, Kyle gives a speech, and everything resets the next week.” Stan blinked. “Except for recently, recently we just kind of deal with the same problems for like three months at a time. But otherwise what I just said applies.” He put his hands in his pockets and stared at the ground. “Everything about this situation is just really, really, really predictable and formulaic.”

 

There was a beat of silence within the group. Finally, Garnet spoke up. “Do your friends ever tell you that you aren't very fun?”

 

Stan closed his eyes and pinched his nose bridge. “Look, can you just tell us what the hell that thing was doing in South Park so that we can figure out if more of them might show up?”

 

Garnet nodded. “I’d like to find out myself. We thought South Park was safe from gem activity. We can regroup with your father and the other Crystal Gems and figure this out.” She paused for a moment. “Come to think of it, call Kyle and Kenny. They deserve to know what’s happening, too, and if what you've told me about their experience with other strange things is true, they might be able to help.” Stan pulled out his phone and began to make some calls. Garnet smiled slightly and noticed that the kids were both drenched. “But first, we need to dry you off.”

 

“Don't forget to bring a towel!” a walking blue towel responded, approaching the group. Stan groaned and put his face in his free hand.

* * *

 

The car ride back to South Park was incredibly awkward to say the least. Butters, Steven, Lapis, and Peridot were all crammed in the back of a Cadillac Escalade driven by some thirtysomething Middle Eastern guy named “Mohammed”, while Cartman sat in the front seat. Lapis glared at Cartman for the entire ride. “Why does he get the front seat?” she asked. “I’m the tallest one here, I should be up front.”

 

Cartman popped a Cheesy Poof into his mouth. “Nuh uh, I called shotgun.”

 

Steven glanced nervously between Lapis and Cartman. “Uh, she DID say she’d like to ride up front before you did,” he clarified.

 

“Doesn't work like that, you gotta see the car before you call shotgun, I saw the car first.”

 

Lapis crossed her arms. “Fine.”

 

Peridot glanced at the radio. “Turn that up, please.” Mohammad did as he was asked and turned the radio up.

 

“...widespread chaos in Beach City, Delmarva as a wide variety of monsters appear to have besieged the city. We now go live to Chris Chinballs for on-the-spot coverage.”

 

“Thanks, Tom. Folks, it appears that monsters of all sorts of shapes and sizes are currently attacking the town and destroying just absolutely everything. As if that wasn't enough, the residents are taking the opportunity to loot what they can, and all of this is happening while the city is being absolutely HAMMERED by Winter Storm Stella, which hit the state as projected a few hours ago. Property damage is estimated to have reached the millions, and many are thought critically injured, or worse, dead. Thankfully, as a reporter, I have special police protection, so— ...hang on, Tom, it appears that several residents of the city have approached the building which I am currently barricaded in. What are you— hey—! HEY, GET OFF OF ME!”

 

Loud crashing noises could be heard from the radio. Peridot shrank in her seat. One voice—Steven recognized it as belonging to Mr. Smiley—was yelling something about “Fake News” while the reporter screamed.

 

“JESUS CHRIST, MY LEGS! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!” The reporter continued to scream for help. Peridot cringed and curled up into a ball as the broadcast went on.

 

“I- I’m sure he’s fine!” Steven reassured her.

 

“THIS FUCKING HURTS! MY FUCKING ARM! FUCK! I AM NOT FINE!” The broadcast went dead for a slight moment. Suddenly, a high pitched voice spoke into the microphone.

 

“‘Member Rodney King?” The broadcast truly cut off here.

 

The anchor on the other end remained silent for a moment.

 

“...Chris? Chris, I’m gonna have to ask you to not swear on the air. ...Chris, I know you can hear me.”

 

“Turn it off, turn it off!” Peridot yelled, severely confusing Mohammad. He turned the radio off while Peridot grabbed onto Steven for support. “Steven, when this is all over, I want you to poof me and toss my gem into a volcano so that none of this ever happens again.”

 

Steven shook his head. “I’m not doing that.”

 

“Lapis?”

 

“If it’s what you want.”

 

Steven glared at Lapis. “Lapis!”

 

“I mean, I’d rather not, but if she REALLY wants me to—”

 

“Guys, listen! We’ll get through this!” Steven assured his friends. “We’ve been through worse!”

 

“Sucks to be you,” Cartman quipped. “I’d seriously hate to have to deal with this right now.”

 

“Why, you little—!” Peridot unbuckled her seatbelt and got up, presumably to strangle Cartman, but Steven stopped her.

 

“No, he’s right. This isn't his problem. It’s ours.”

 

“But he doesn't have to be such a… such a…” Peridot looked for the right words.

 

“Fat asshole dickhead?” Cartman suggested, yawning. “I’ve heard it all.”

 

“Doesn't that bother you?” Peridot questioned. “You’re SUCH a nuisance that people have come up with every insult in the book to throw at you! Don't you care about that?” She crossed her arms. “And just for the record, your obesity isn't the problem. Even if you weren't fat, you’d still be one of the worst humans I’d ever met.”

 

“Peridot, come on,” Steven scolded. “This isn't getting us anywhere.”

 

“No, Mohammed is,” Peridot pointed out, missing the point of Steven’s statement.

 

“No, I mean insulting Eric isn't going to solve our problems.”

 

“Well, no. But it does make me feel better.” She glared at Cartman again. “I swore that I would protect all inhabitants of this planet. Therefore, I suggest we send Cartman to the moon so that I can strangle him without consequence.”

 

Steven sighed and leaned back in his seat. “Peridot, we have bigger fish to fry.”

 

“WHY?! I don't eat aquatic animals! I don't EAT! It’s gross and unnecessary!”

 

Butters laughed. “Boy, Peridot, you sure are a hoot!”

 

Peridot stared wearily at Butters for a moment, before finally sighing, having given up on being taken seriously at all by this point. “Thank you, Butters.” The car slowed to a stop, and Peridot glanced out the window. “Why are we stopping?”

 

Butters unbuckled his seatbelt. “It looks like we’re finally here!”

 

“This is South Park?” Peridot questioned, still staring out the window. “It looks so… primitive.” 

 

“Yup, that’s South Park, alright! Home sweet home!” The group stepped out of the car, and Mohammed drove off, ready to pick up his next customer. “It’s real simple, and small!” Butters continued. “Everybody in South Park knows each other, AND they’re real friendly!”

 

The group tried to cross the road, but a car sped by, causing them to have to step back. 

 

“Get out of the street! Damn kids!” the man shouted out his open window.

 

“I’m trying to save your PLANET!” Peridot yelled back. The group began crossing the road again. “Okay. Now. We need to find the other Crystal Gems. Where should we start looking?”

 

Cartman yawned. “Well, you guys can deal with that. Come on Butters.”

 

“But I wanna stay and help!”

 

“Well, you can do that,” Cartman began, “but I’m beat. Screw you guys… I’m going home.” Cartman pointed in the direction of what was presumably home and walked away. Butters stayed behind.

 

“Good riddance!” Peridot yelled. “Who needs you?” She glanced at Butters. “You’re sure you want to help us?”

 

“Of course I do! I’m no Crystal Gem, but I’ve still got my star!” Butters pulled his star-shaped pin out of his pocket. “We’re a team!”

 

Steven smiled. “Alright, Butters! Now, we need to find the Gems. I say we split up and—”

 

“What do you think Stan wants?” a muffled voice said nearby.

 

“I don't know, dude,” another voice replied. “You think it’s got something to do with Cartman?”

 

“Screw him, he can get himself out of that mess.”

 

Butters smiled. “Kyle! Kenny!” he approached his friends. 

 

“Butters?” Kyle asked, slightly surprised. “Dude, we thought you died or something.”

 

“Alright, pay up, Kyle,” Kenny muttered. Kyle sighed and handed Kenny a $5 bill. “I told you, dude, Butters wasn't dead.”

 

“Of course I’m not dead!” Butters exclaimed.

 

Kyle shrugged. “Dude, the police have been looking all over the place for you.”

 

Butters’ eyes widened. “Oh, hamburgers! M-my parents are gonna be real mad that I left South Park without telling them first! I’m gonna be grounded for sure!” Glancing around, his eyes fell on Peridot, Lapis, and Steven, and he strengthened his resolve. “Listen, fellas! My new friends and I really need your help!”

 

“New friends?” Kyle asked. He and Kenny looked past Butters and noticed said new friends. “Okay… What do you need?”

 

“These are the Crystal Gems!” Butters explained. “We got into a real pickle and need to find the rest of them to fix it!”

 

The boys blinked and looked at each other. “Okay?”

 

“I really need your help findin’ them!” Butters continued. “Peridot! Who are we lookin’ for again?”

 

Peridot approached Kyle and Kenny. “Humans. I am Peridot. I’m the leader of this branch of the Crystal Gems. The other branch is SOMEWHERE in South Park, and we don't know where. Have you seen… a REALLY tall woman with big hair, or a thin, pointy-nosed woman with tacky hair, or a short… woman. With hair.” She had no idea how to describe the other gems other than by their gem types. And their hair. “Steven! A little help here?”

 

Steven stepped in. “Let’s start with Garnet. She’s the easiest to identify. Like Peridot said, she’s tall, and has big hair, and she wears sunglasses and looks like she’s not really paying attention most of the time, but ACTUALLY, she’s paying the most attention!”

 

Kyle blinked. “Garnet? Well, yeah, we know her. She’s the new chef at our school.”

 

Steven grinned. “Great! Do you know where she is?”

 

Kyle shrugged again. “Say, Kenny, didn't you say you saw her earlier?”

 

Kenny nodded. “Uh-huh. I was trying to kill a rat and my shelf almost fell on me. She showed up out of nowhere and pushed me out of the way.”

 

Peridot narrowed her eyes. She didn't understand a word this kid was saying, it was too muffled. “What did you just say?”

 

Kyle shook his head. “It doesn't matter. Didn't Garnet say she was a friend of Stan’s dad?”

 

“Yeah, dude, they just had dinner at his house.”

 

Kyle looked back at Peridot. “We’re on our way to Stan’s house right now. He’ll know where your friends are.”

 

“Excellent. Lead the way.”

 

Kyle and Kenny glanced at each other and shrugged simultaneously. “This way,” Kyle said. The others followed. “Wait! Wait. Hold on. Butters. Where’s Cartman?”

 

“Oh, Eric went back home!”

 

Kyle smiled. “Well son of a bitch. Guess that problem solved itself for once, huh Kenny?”

* * *

 

“Mom! I’m home and I’m hungry!” Cartman shouted as he walked through the door. “Mom! Where the fuck is she?” Cartman walked through his living room, offended that he was not greeted immediately. Figuring there’d likely be leftover powdered donut pancake surprise in the kitchen, he walked into the next room and flicked the light switch on. Cartman searched the kitchen, but, alas, he could not find his powdered donut pancake surprise. “The fuck? Mom! MOM!” he shouted.

 

“Hello, Eric,” a familiar voice said from behind him. Cartman turned around and, to his surprise, saw Mr. Garrison sitting at the dinner table. “Please, have a seat.”

 

“Mr. Garrison?” Cartman questioned. “What are you doing here, shouldn't you be running the country or something?”

 

“Eric, it’s come to my administration’s attention that you might be… helpful in our new initiative.” 

 

“K.U.N.T.?” Cartman asked.

 

Garrison stood up. “Eric, a little birdie told me that you’ve recently been in contact with… some refugees.”

 

“Y-yeah?”

 

“These refugees are very, very dangerous,” Garrison continued. “Steve Bannon and I have a plan to make America great again once and for all, but we need your help. Maybe we can make… a deal.”

 

Cartman raised an eyebrow. “What kind of deal?”

 

“Let’s head back to the White House. We have things to discuss.”


	7. Diamond Deal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kenny dies.

The room was filled with members of the press as the Director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation, James Comey, finished his statement.

 

“I do confirm,” he said, “that the FBI, as part of our counterintelligence mission, is investigating the foreign government’s efforts to interfere in the 2016 Presidential Election.” The crowd murmured. “And that includes,” Comey continued, “investigating the nature of any links between individuals associated with the Garrison campaign and the Great Diamond Authority, and whether there was any coordination between the campaign and Homeworld’s efforts. As with any counterintelligence investigation, this will also include an assessment of whether any crimes were committed.

 

“Despite this,” he continued, “I would like to assure the American people that aliens from the Gem Homeworld are not yet an immediate threat to the people of this nation.” He looked very sure of himself. “The FBI has found no evidence that suggests that any aliens are currently residing on Earth, and there is also presently absolutely no evidence to back up President Garrison’s claims that President Obama’s administration was working with the so-called ‘Crystal Gem’ terrorist organization to undermine the Garrison campaign.”

 

A reporter stood up. “You’re sure there aren't any aliens currently residing on the planet?”

 

Comey’s expression remained the same. “Positive,” he said.

 

As the kids, along with Lapis and Peridot, walked through the streets of South Park to Stan’s house, Butters and Steven led them all in some sort of sing-along, Steven playing a ukulele the whole walk.

 

“I’m goin’ down to South Park,” Butters sang, “gonna have myself a time!”

 

Kyle shrugged and he and Kenny joined in. “Friendly faces everywhere! Humble folks without temptation!”

 

Butters smiled and continued. “I’m goin’ down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind!” He seemed to emphasize that last part as he stared at Peridot, who just frowned even more.

 

Steven laughed and sang the next verse. “Ample parking day or night! People spouting ‘howdy neighbor!’”

 

“I’m goin’ down to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind!”

 

The entire group stared at Peridot, whom they all expected to sing the next verse. “What? Me?”

 

Steven, who was still strumming on his ukulele, just smiled and nodded. Without missing a beat, he started playing a new chord and nodded to Butters, who repeated the lyric.

 

“I’m goin’ down to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind!”

 

Everyone looked at Peridot again and she searched for the right words. “Someday I’ll do something right, that’ll make up for my mistakes tonight,” she sang sadly. Steven slowed down, but didn't stop playing. Peridot continued “I’m going down to South Park, unsure what I’m going to find. Will my friends forgive me here? Or is my presence a provocation?” Suddenly, Peridot looked more determined, and started marching faster. “I’m going down to South Park, gonna atone for my crimes. Redemption, forgiveness, that’s my goal. People will think I’m on a roll!” The group cheered up and started marching with Peridot, who sang one more lyric. “I’m going down to South Park, everything’s gonna be fine!”

 

Kenny happily sang a lyric of his own, which nobody could really understand on account of how muffled his voice was through his parka. 

 

Butters laughed. “Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine!” The group ended their song here, and Peridot was filled with a renewed sense of determination. They approached a house.

 

“This is Stan’s house,” Kyle said. He walked up to the door and rang the bell. Stan answered the door. Wendy Testaburger stood next to him.

 

“Kyle, there you are. We need to–” he stopped mid-sentence and stared at Peridot and Lapis. “What the hell, there’s more of them? Whatever, come in, come in,” Stan said as he ushered the group into his house. “Everyone’s in the garage.”

 

“What’s this about, Stan?” Kyle asked as he and the others were led through the house.

 

“Something is seriously wrong with this town,” Stan replied. “Wendy and I were attacked by some kind of an alien bear monster at Stark’s Pond.” Wendy nodded.

 

Peridot froze. “Y-you were?”  _ The corruptions made it all the way out here?! _

 

Stan nodded. “Yeah, we’re just lucky the new school chef got there when she did. Garnet saved my ass, dude.”

 

Peridot blinked. “So the other Crystal Gems ARE here?”

 

“Who?”

 

Butters stepped forward. “Stan, you gotta listen to us! Some bad, baaaad stuff went down and the Crystal Gems might be the only ones who can fix it!”

 

Stan shrugged. “If you’re talking about Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl, they’re all in the garage.”

 

“Oh, jeez,” Peridot groaned. Steven patted her shoulder. 

 

“It’s gonna be fine. They’ll understand.”

 

“Yeah, easy for you to say,” Peridot retorted. “You don't have a history of trying to kill them.”

 

Stan raised an eyebrow as he stared at Butters. “Wait, where’s Cartman?”

 

“Oh, who cares about Cartman?” Kyle groaned. “He’s back at his house, probably stuffing his fat face.”

 

Peridot smiled at that. “Kyle’s my favorite,” she whispered to Steven.

 

The group arrived in the garage, where Randy was staring at a map of South Park while Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl looked over his shoulder. “Now, the boys threw the Stick of Truth in Stark’s Pond, so it’s possible that that’s what the villains of the universe wants. He who controls the Stick controls the universe, after all.”

 

Pearl frowned. “I think it’s just a stick, Randy.”

 

“Yeah. The Stick of Truth.”

 

Stan approached his father. “Dad, I brought Kyle and Kenny. Butters is here too, and apparently he brought some people that know your friends?”

 

Pearl perked up and looked over at the doorway, which Steven and Lapis were standing in. Peridot stood slightly behind the wall, peering nervously into the room. “Steven! What are you doing here? Wait. How did you get here?”

 

Steven ran towards the Gems. “You guys! We’ve got a real problem! We—” he hesitated. “Uh, actually, I think Peridot should be the one to tell you.”

 

“Oh, come on, don't do this to me,” she moaned. 

 

Randy stood up. “You’re the other Gems that made it to Earth.” He approached Peridot and Lapis and examined their appearances. “Where are your stars? Are those diamonds on your clothes?!”

 

Pearl stepped forward. “Randy, relax. They’re with us.”

 

Randy shrugged and glanced at Steven. “So, you’re Rose Quartz’s son.”

 

“You knew my mom?”

 

“Oh, yeah, we had a whole thing. I’m Randy Marsh, the Crystal Gems and I go WAY back. Thought I’d be working with them forever, but then I left town to be in a boy band.”

 

Steven blinked. “Wow. My dad gave up music just to be with my mom.”

 

Randy nodded. “Yeah, well, I mean, I wasn't ready to make the commitment back then, you know? I actually wrote a theme song for the Crystal Gems, way back when.” He started snapping to an imaginary metronome. “It went something like, ‘Ya ya ya, Crystal Gems, ya ya ya, save the day,’” he sang, before stopping his improvised metronome. “Pearl didn't like it.”

 

Pearl rolled her eyes. “It’s lyrically asinine!”

 

“Well guess who reused that tune for the Hunger Games movie and sold like a million copies on iTunes?” Randy said smugly. “Lorde! That’s who!”

 

Steven smiled. “It’s nice to meet you, Mr. Marsh!”

 

“Randy,” he corrected.

 

“So I guess you knew my mom pretty well, huh?”

 

“Yeah. She never liked talking about that war crime she committed, though.”

 

Pearl glared. “Randy!”

 

“What?”

 

Pearl sighed and covered her face with a hand. “Whatever, it’s not important. We still don't know WHY Steven and the others came to South Park!”

 

Garnet glanced at Peridot, who looked really, really upset, and then looked back at Pearl. “I think we promised the kids we’d explain what’s going on first.” She looked back at Peridot, who in turn gave Garnet a confused look. “Peridot can tell us HER story when she’s ready,” she said, smiling slightly.

 

Pearl raised a eyebrow. “I suppose that is true. Alright. Everyone gather around.” Everyone did as they were told. “Let’s see, Randy, Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Wendy, Steven, Peridot, Lapis—” her eyes fell on Butters. “Who is this?”

 

Butters waved. “Howdy! I-I’m Butters. I’m one of Stan’s friends.”

 

Steven nodded. “AND he and Eric Cartman helped us get to South Park!”

 

Pearl’s eyes widened. “Eric Cartman? Where is he now?”

 

Butters frowned. “Oh, w-well, he’s back home, now.” He balled his fists up and tapped them together apprehensively. “He didn't wanna come with.”

 

Pearl relaxed. “Oh. Well, I suppose we have nothing to worry about then.” She glanced at Randy, who nodded back at her. “Children, as you all know, I am Pearl. That’s Garnet, and that’s Amethyst. We’re the Crystal Gems, and for thousands of years we’ve protected this planet from others like us who wished to harm the planet irreversibly. That is our primary mission. We are guardians of Earth.

 

“Recently, we’ve taken up jobs at your elementary school as a part of a special mission given to us by Stanley’s father. In the aftermath of Eric Cartman’s assembly with the Canadian Minister of Health, which was TOTALLY bogus and led us nowhere, we were asked to watch over South Park and make sure the town was safe. At first, it seemed that everything was alright. However, after hearing more and more stories about your town’s history, and after Stanley and Wendy were attacked by a Gem monster at Stark’s Pond—” Peridot shrank. “—we’ve come to a rather frightening conclusion.”

 

She glanced at Randy, who nodded and began his own speech. “We believe there is something in South Park so powerful, that every hostile entity in the universe wants it. Visitors, Advertisements, Underpants Gnomes, Gems, Crab People, celebrities, you name it. We think that every single instance of something strange happening in this town is connected by one single powerful… thing. The only problem is, we don't know what the thing is, where it is, what it does, or why people want it so badly.”

 

Pearl took over again. “We’re trying to figure out what that thing might be, and from there, why people want it.”

 

Randy motioned to a map of South Park. “We THINK that the thing is being hoarded by somebody in South Park, because people in this town like taking things that don't belong to them. We’ve narrowed things down to a list of places this thing could be.” Marked on the map were Stark’s Pond, SoDoSoPa, the mall, and City Wok. “We’re going to have to split up if we want to find this thing.”

 

Pearl hummed. “Hmmm. Randy tells me that SoDoSoPa is located around Historic Kenny’s House. Therefore, Kenny will lead the first group, which will consist of him and Peridot, as her metal powers will definitely come in handy in a run-down abandoned district like that.” She glanced at the list again. “Lapis, you, Wendy, and Butters will head to Stark’s Pond. Your water manipulation will definitely help you search a lot faster. Steven, you can take Stan and Kyle to City Wok, which leaves myself, Garnet, and Amethyst to explore the mall. Randy tells me he was a security guard there during Black Friday, which will definitely help our search.”

 

Randy nodded. “Alright, we all know where we’re going?”

 

The group simultaneously responded with variations of “yeah” or “yes”.

 

“Alright,” Pearl said. “Let’s all meet up back here and report our findings.” The group split up to search their assigned areas.

* * *

 

President Garrison entered the White House Situation Room, followed by Eric Cartman and several secret service agents. 

 

“So this is pretty sweet,” Cartman said. “Oh wow, look, it’s the nuclear button.”

 

Garrison approached the central table, which was headed by Steve Bannon, who was now wearing a long, hooded robe that mostly concealed his face. Also seated at the table were Caitlyn Jenner and several members of Garrison’s cabinet. “Steve. I brought him.”

 

Steve Bannon stood up, although he was slightly hunched over. “Excellent,” he responded in a very low, raspy voice. He looked at Cartman. “So then, you are the gem-human hybrid.”

 

Cartman’s eyes widened. “Uh. Y-yeah.”

 

“That’s fucking disgusting. Welcome to the situation room.”

 

Garrison looked around. “Yeah, I don't really come in here much, I mostly leave that stuff to Steve,” he said. “Eric, Steve and I want to talk to you about selling out the Crystal Gems.”

 

Steve Bannon turned on the large monitors in the room, which showed footage of the carnage in Beach City. Buildings were burning, monsters roamed the streets, and rioters burned and looted whatever was left. Member Berries rolled through the streets like they owned the place. Some of them were even driving little cars. “As you can see, the Crystal Gems are very dangerous. THIS is the damage they have wrought onto a small little beach town not far from here, and soon, they’ll spread the carnage across this great nation.” 

 

“Weak.”

 

“Yes indeed, Eric. Totally weak.” Bannon continued. “Our administration has been working with a foreign power to locate and eradicate the Crystal Gems once and for all. Once they’re gone, America truly will be great again.”

 

“Great. Why do you need me?”

 

Garrison smiled. “We’ll let HER explain,” he nodded towards Bannon, who pulled out a small diamond-shaped device and turned the top. Suddenly, every monitor in the room flickered, and the images were replaced with an image of a slender, slightly aggravated looking woman with a pointy nose and pointy yellow hair. Everything about this woman’s appearance was pointy, actually.

 

“This is the Yellow Diamond control room,” the woman greeted. “Who authorized you to make this call?”

 

“Stuff it, Pearl,” Bannon scowled. “Stick your pointy nose up the blue one’s ass, I have important things to discuss with IMPORTANT people.”

 

The Pearl looked slightly offended. “I… My Diamond, the President of the United States wishes to speak with you.”

 

Garrison raised an eyebrow. “I’m the President.”

 

Bannon blinked. “Yeah. Sure you are.”

 

The unseen camera moved from Pearl and focused on a much larger individual, who also had pointed yellow hair and… actually, she was just yellow all over. Her skin, her clothes, her eyes, everything was yellow. A large (yellow) diamond could be seen on her chest, and she wore large (yellow) shoulder pads that just screamed “I’m super important”. “Mr. Bannon. Greetings. It’s a pleasure to speak with you again.”

 

“The pleasure is all mine, My Diamond,” Bannon rasped, saluting the woman, who Cartman deciphered was Yellow Diamond. “I’ve brought before you the hybrid, Eric Cartman.”

 

Yellow Diamond narrowed her eyes. “Rose Quartz’s son.”

 

“Yeah dude, that’s me.”

 

“You know, Eric, your mother caused a lot of problems for me and my subjects. I SHOULD have you shattered immediately for her crimes. But because I’m feeling GENEROUS today, I’m going to give you a chance to redeem yourself.” Cartman eyed everyone else in the room as Yellow Diamond spoke. “A very long time ago, a war was fought between Homeworld and the Crystal Gems. Despite our superior numbers, training, and equipment, the Crystal Gems still fought a very good fight.”

 

Garrison hummed. “Oh jeez, that sounds familiar,” he mused, thinking back to the Turd Sandwich’s much more well-prepared presidential campaign.

 

“In the end, we could only end the war in one way.” Yellow Diamond’s image was replaced with some sort of diagram, illustrating light rays surrounding a crude picture of another gem. “The Corrupting Light was a weapon utilized at the end of the rebellion which turned most, but not all, of the Crystal Gems into total abominations, thus rendering their army useless.”

 

“Okay, so you nuked the planet,” Cartman said. “Go on.”

 

“This weapon, I believe, is the only way to eradicate the Crystal Gems once and for all. Unfortunately, the last known device capable of creating a Corrupting Light is not located here on Homeworld. It is located on Earth.” She glared at nothing in particular. “I’m sure the Crystal Gems would LOVE to get their hands on it. Therefore, I would like you to figure out where it is and get ahold of it, before they do.”

 

Cartman put his finger to his chin in thought. “Hmmmm. I don't know. Gee, betraying my friends. Gosh, that’s really, really big.” He grinned evilly. “I might need some convincing.”

 

“Is your continued existence not a motivator?”

 

Cartman paced the room. “See, your threats don't mean much to me. You’re all the way over there, and I’m right here. If it took you so long to find the Crystal Gems, then surely, finding a small, small child such as myself could take years!” He smiled at Yellow Diamond. “This is a big planet, and there are a lot of places to hide. Are you prepared for that game of Hide and Seek?”

 

Yellow Diamond glared at him. “You’re joking.”

 

“Why would I joke? This is a very serious situation! We’re talking about betrayal!” He feigned concern. “My fragile little mind can't handle the guilt! All of my friends, oh noooo, I’d feel so guilty. Perhaps if I was compensated for the emotional duress this will surely put on my psyche, I’d be more at ease.”

 

A tense moment of silence stood between the two parties. Mr. Garrison glanced nervously at Eric, who was simply smiling innocently. He looked back up at the screen, where he saw that Yellow Diamond looked PISSED.

 

“What are your demands?” the powerful Diamond in question yielded.

 

Cartman’s smile widened. “That’s more like it. Hang on, let me get out my list…”

 

Steve Bannon was surprised. “Wow, this kid’s evil,” he said, looking to Mr. Garrison.

 

“You have no idea,” the President sighed.

* * *

 

Steven, Stan, and Kyle approached Shi Tpa Town. City Wok was closed by this point, but Kyle knew where Liu Kim kept a spare key. “We used to use this key to get into the Cock Magic fights,” he explained as he unlocked the door. “Come on.”

 

Steven examined the restaurant as he walked in. “Why would the secret of South Park be HERE?”

 

“City Wok is one of the places in South Park that attracts the most… Weirdness,” Stan explained. “A lot’s happened, here, and the owner is involved in a lot more of our adventures than he should be.”

 

“So what are we even looking for?” Kyle asked. “I still don't know WHAT they want us to find.”

 

Steven thought about it for a bit. “I think we’ll know it when we see it. Gem artifacts just kind of… Stand out.”

 

“What if it’s not a Gem artifact?” Stan asked. “Weird shit happens here all the time.”

 

Steven shrugged. “If we see ANYTHING that doesn't belong, we’ll investigate!”

 

The boys searched the restaurant, but their very thorough search turned up nothing, except a vault in the back of the building. Having exhausted every possible location for hiding a very powerful artifact, they all returned to the vault.

 

Kyle crossed his arms. “Hey, you know, this doesn't really make much sense,” he said. “City Wok doesn't take in enough money to justify a vault this big. Most places just have a safe.”

 

Steven smiled. “Maybe they’re hiding something! Like a dangerous ancient artifact?”

 

Stan tried the door. “Guess we won't be able to find out. It’s locked.”

 

Kyle glanced at the lock. It was a digital keypad, which required a four-digit PIN number to enter. “Dammit! How are we supposed to get in?” he asked.

 

Steven put a finger to his chin and approached the keypad. “0-0-0-0,” he muttered to himself as he tried that combination. Evidently, Liu Kim had not changed the password, as the vault door unlocked immediately.

 

Stan smiled. “Dude! Kickass!” He, Steven, and Kyle pushed the door open and walked in, letting the light from the single fluorescent light bulb in the secure room bathe the rest of the restaurant. The vault was completely bare, with the exception of a table in the center of the room. On top of this table was a small box, the latch on the top completely unsecured. “Dude, what the hell?” Stan asked as they approached the box.

 

The boys looked at each other, not knowing what their next move should be. Finally, Steven shrugged and opened the box, and the three boys peered inside. “Whaaat the hell?” Stan asked again. 

 

Inside the box was a copy of a rather large tab owed to Liu Kim by none other than Mr. Garrison.

 

“Dammit!” Kyle groaned. “This doesn't help us! All we know now is that Mr. Garrison owes—holy shit, Mr. Garrison owes this guy like a million dorrah, how much Chinese food can one guy EAT?” Keeping in mind that this could be used for blackmail later on if needed, he pocketed the paper.

 

Steven sighed. “Well, I hope the others are doing better than we are.”

* * *

 

Lapis, Butters, and Wendy approached Stark’s Pond. “Well, there it is,” Butters explained. “I’m SURE the artifact is at the bottom of this pond!”

 

Wendy shook her head. “It doesn't make any sense. Weird things have been happening in South Park for two decades. If it was all part of some big intergalactic conspiracy, surely we’d have figured it out by now.” Lapis shrugged, before motioning with her hand and parting the water in the pond, revealing the center. She led Wendy and Butters into the dry spot.

 

Butters immediately saw what they were looking for. “There it is!” he ran towards a small twig in the lake and picked it up. “The Stick of Truth. He who controls the Stick controls the universe! This must be what the aliens are looking for!”

 

Lapis and Wendy stared at Butters for a moment before Lapis broke the silence. “Butters. That’s a stick.”

 

“The Stick of Truth! It– oh, huh, wait, The Stick of Truth was shorter. This- This is just a regular old stick.”

 

“Okay, we’re done here,” Lapis said as she walked back onto land. Butters and Wendy followed and she closed the part. “That got us nowhere.”

 

Wendy stared at Lapis. “Are ALL of the Gems women?”

 

Lapis gave Wendy a sideways glance. “Excuse me?”

 

“I mean, besides Steven, of course, I’ve only seen women of your species.”

 

Lapis shrugged. “I don't know. I don't really think about it that much. Does it matter?”

 

“I just think it’d be really empowering for human women if they knew there was an alien race of entirely women.”

 

Again, Lapis shrugged. “Gems don't really… ‘work’ the same way humans do. We don't have the same ‘equipment’, if you get what I’m saying. Biological gender just… doesn't exist on Homeworld. They find other ways to set us apart.”

 

Wendy raised an eyebrow. “You’re agender? All of you? How do you reproduce?”

 

“We’re grown.”

 

“Like vegetables.”

 

“Sure.”

 

Wendy looked around a bit more. “But you use female pronouns.”

 

“I literally didn't know there were other pronouns,” Lapis retorted. “Until I met Steven, it was ‘she did this, she did that’, for everyone. Again, we had more important things to worry about.” She stared at Wendy and examined her face. “Frankly, I can't tell you humans apart sometimes. You all look the same to me.”

 

Wendy blinked. “I think that’s… racist?”

 

“Look, I’m just saying, man, woman, who cares? Focus on real issues. Men need to treat women like equals—they don't—and women need to stop acting like they’re so different—they aren't. There’s prejudice in your society, but at least some of it is self-wrought.”

 

Wendy glared. “But women ARE subjugated in this society. Are we supposed to just let it happen?”

 

“Of COURSE not, fight for what you believe in, by all means,” Lapis said. “It’s just, you know, maybe things would be better if humans focused less on differences and more on commonalities.”

 

“I guess that makes sense.”

 

The group went silent again.

 

“I wonder how the others are doing,” Lapis pondered.

* * *

 

Pearl was absolutely done with this. For the last half hour, Randy had been singing the Crystal Gems theme song he wrote all those years ago while they searched South Park Mall for any clues regarding any sort of important artifact Homeworld might want.

 

“Ya ya ya… Crystal Gems… Save the day, ya ya ya… If you think we can't, we’ll do it anyway… Ya ya ya, Crystal Gems, I am Lorde.” He laughed and grabbed his friends in a group hug. “Haha, this is just like old times, right guys?”

 

Amethyst snickered. “You know it! The gang’s all back together again, finally.”

 

Pearl glared at Amethyst and Randy. “No, it’s not. We’re still missing one crucial member of the team!” She pushed Randy off of her and went to go explore a GameStop. Randy’s eyes followed. 

 

“Oh, I see what’s going on here,” he said. “She’s still mad that Rose and I were a thing.”

 

Pearl turned around, completely flustered. “You-! That-! I-! You and Rose were NOT a ‘thing’! Stop saying that!”

 

“Pearl, relax. I’ve moved on from that. I’ve got a wife, and two kids.”

 

“No, you HAVEN’T ‘moved on’, because there was never anything to ‘move on’ from!” Pearl searched through the stack of Wii U games in the clearance bin. Nope, no magical artifact here. In fact, it seemed there was NOTHING of substance in the Wii U bin. “She’d have gotten bored of you eventually, just like she got bored of every other human man she met.”

 

Silence followed as she moved on to the Xbox One’s library. Nope, nothing here, either. Randy stepped forward. “What about Steven’s dad?” he asked, catching Pearl completely off-guard. “You can't tell me THAT was ‘nothing’.”

 

“You don't know what you’re talking about.”

 

“Pearl, I get it.”

 

“No you don't.”

 

“You were in love with Rose. I can't imagine how much it must have hurt to see her fool around with other men all the time. But…” Randy paused and looked over at Garnet and Amethyst, then sighed. “But she’s been gone for fifteen years, now. I’m a married man. Do we REALLY need to keep fighting over her?” Pearl turned around again, but this time, she didn't look as mad. “I’ll admit, when I married Sharon and had kids of my own, I tried to pretend that part of my life never happened. But I can't keep doing that. I missed hanging out with you guys.

 

“I get that we’re only working together today because we have to. But I don't want that to just be ‘it’. We had a lot of really good times. What happened to those times? Don't you guys remember?”

 

“Remembering is dangerous, Randy,” Pearl said. Nope, nothing in the PS4 section either. Whatever they were looking for, it wasn't in GameStop. “Nothing here. It’s going to take HOURS to search this whole mall. I hope the other groups are having more luck than we are.”

* * *

 

Peridot and Kenny approached SoDoSoPa, which was in complete ruin. “What happened here?” Peridot asked. She didn't get an answer. “Kenny. Kenny!”

 

Kenny glanced at Peridot and said something to her. She didn't understand it through his hoodie, but she GUESSED that he wanted to explore the Lofts, as that was where he was pointing. The two approached the dilapidated building, which was apparently abandoned before construction even completed. 

 

Peridot narrowed her eyes. “Hmmm. If I were a dangerous artifact, where would I be?” She stared up towards the top of the skeletal structure and smirked. “Come on, Kenny. Help me find a trash can lid or some other metal object we could stand on,” she said as she went to go search for an object to turn into an improvised elevator. 

 

Kenny looked confused and asked a quuestion, again, muffled through his hoodie, although this time Peridot definitely heard an expletive in there. Peridot found an old garbage bin lid, large enough to fit both her and Kenny, and grinned, chuckling as she set it down on the ground. “Alright Kenny, get on. I’m going to lift us to the top of the building.”

 

Kenny stared at the lid for a moment, then looked back up at Peridot. “Nuh-uh,” Kenny responded finally, shaking his head. 

 

Peridot frowned. “Why not?”

 

“‘Cause, dude, I’ll fuckin’ die.”

 

Peridot was actually able to understand that one. “You’re not going to die Kenny, don't be ridiculous,” she retorted, rolling her eyes. “Come on. It’s totally safe!” She thought about it for a moment; that wasn't  _ entirely _ true. “Well, okay, if you fall off, then yes, you’ll likely perish, humans are notoriously fragile. So, don't fall off!”

 

Kenny sighed and stepped on the lid. Grinning, Peridot focused her mind on using her metal-manipulation to lift the lid, and they both began to rise into the air. Kenny looked concerned, but otherwise stayed perfectly still. He didn't want to fall off, and, well, you know.

 

When they were at the top safely, they jumped off of the trash can lid and let it fall back down to the ground. Kenny peered over the edge.

 

“How are we gonna get back down?” he asked, turning his head to Peridot, who shrugged.

 

“One thing at a time, Kenny,” she said. “Alright! If I were a dangerous artifact, I would be… Someplace else. BUT! If I were a dangerous artifact and for some reason I HAD to be in this location, I would be… Across this precariously placed metal beam on the other side of the gap in the construction zone,” she said, pointing to the other side of the building which was separated from the rest of the building by a precariously placed metal beam.

 

Kenny stared at the beam, which almost certainly would fall as soon as he stepped on it. Realizing that Peridot expected him to go first, he sighed and decided to get it over with. This was gonna hurt. He closed his eyes and stepped on the beam, feeling it jerk as he did so. He began to walk across the beam, and it began to slip under his weight. He heard a clang and opened his eyes, expecting to be plummeting to the ground; instead, the beam was secured safely in place. He looked over at Peridot, who was holding the beam in place with her powers. 

 

“Kenny? Is something wrong?” she asked, smiling at him.

 

Kenny raised his eyebrows and smiled. He turned and continued to walk across the beam, hopping off and landing safely on the other side. The beam then fell off of the building and landed with a crash on the ground below. After making sure he was still alive, Kenny verbally celebrated and waved at Peridot, who waved back. 

 

“Great job, Kenny!” Peridot yelled over the gap. “Okay! Do you see anything suspicious over there?”

 

Kenny looked around and saw a temporary shed, which was likely filled with construction supplies. “There’s a shed over here!” he yelled back.

 

“What?!”

 

“I said there’s a shed over—”

 

“Kenny, you have to take your hood off! I can't hear a word you’re—”

 

“THERE’S A SHED OVER—”

 

“Wait! Kenny! I see a shed over there! Why don't you go see what’s inside?”

 

Kenny rolled his eyes and walked towards the shed. He tried the knob, but the door wouldn't budge. “Locked,” he muttered to himself. Looking around for another point of entry, he saw a small window that he’d probably be able to fit through if he were able to get it open. Grabbing a brick from the floor, he tossed the brick into the window, which shattered immediately.

 

While she watched Kenny, Peridot frowned. Even if they found this artifact, they’d still have to deal with the mess back in Beach City. Garnet bought her some time for reasons she didn't quite understand yet, but half of what that fusion did didn't make much sense to Peridot anyway. It still didn't help her figure out HOW she was going to explain to the Crystal Gems that she was responsible for—

 

Kenny came running out of the shed, screaming. He held no artifact, but the shed itself came down shortly after. The boy was being chased by a corrupted gem monster. Blue, bear shaped, gem in its face—Peridot recognized it as one of the monsters that had escaped from the temple.

 

“Kenny!” she yelled. How to get over there, how to get over there, how to—

 

Kenny approached the edge of the building. That was a long way down, but he really didn't feel like getting mauled by a monster right now. He tried to figure out, in his head, which death would be less painful. If he fell, he’d likely die on impact, which was preferable to getting toyed with by—

 

The monster charged Kenny and they both fell off of the building. Peridot’s eyes bugged out and she, without thinking, jumped to follow. Landing would definitely hurt, but she was resilient; Kenny was in real danger, and she wasn't going to let him die here.

 

Thankfully, Kenny had gotten the bright idea to swap his position with the monster. Mid-fall, he managed to get on top of the monster, which broke his fall significantly when they hit the ground. Rolling off the monster and onto the floor, he got up and felt himself. He was still alive! He celebrated briefly, unaware that the monster was also still alive. 

 

Peridot landed on the ground just a moment later. She failed to stick the landing and fell flat on her face, but that was fine. Her gem wasn't cracked and she’d deal with the bruises later. She stood up and looked at Kenny, who was celebrating. “Kenny! Look out!” she yelled. The boy turned and saw the monster get back up. He screamed again and started running out into the street. Peridot looked for something, anything, that she could use as a weapon, and her eyes fell on the steel beam that had fallen from the lofts earlier.

 

Stan, Kyle, and Steven arrived and saw what was going on. “Holy shit, dude!” Kyle yelled. “Kenny, run!”

 

Kenny tripped and fell. He tried to get back up, but the momentary lapse in movement had proven to be his downfall. The monster grabbed him and he started to yell in pain as he was mauled horribly. 

 

Peridot, utilizing her ferrokinesis, smashed the beam over the monster’s head, proofing it instantly. Kenny fell to the ground. She laughed proudly. She did it! She saved Kenny! She was a hero!

 

...right?

 

Peridot’s smile wavered as she realized Kenny wasn't moving. “...Kenny?” she called out. He was fine. He had to be! Steven’s fragile human body had been mauled by monsters before, it was really funny! Surely the monster didn't attack with the intent to kill!

 

She approached Kenny and saw that he was not fine.

 

Stan gasped. “Oh my god!” he yelled. “They killed Kenny!”

 

Kyle glared up at the sky. “You bastards!”

 

It was then that the other Crystal Gems arrived with Randy. At the same time, Lapis, Butters, and Wendy showed up. Everyone gathered around to see that they had, in fact, killed Kenny. Garnet’s face fell. She was too late.

 

Peridot stared at Kenny’s corpse in horror. Lapis looked over at her. “So, uh, I take it you didn't find the artifact?”

 

Kyle groaned. “Did ANYBODY find it?”

 

Peridot still stared in shock. “Kenny’s… dead,” she said slowly.

 

Garnet approached the corrupted gem and picked it up. “Wait. I bubbled this one.”

 

Pearl shook her head. “It was so long ago, you probably—”

 

Garnet interrupted her. “No. Earlier today. I bubbled this one earlier today.”

 

“What?”

 

“This is the monster that attacked Stan and Wendy earlier,” Garnet said. “Which means that it somehow escaped its bubble and the temple.” She looked over at Steven and Lapis. “What happened in Beach City?”

 

Steven, like Peridot, looked mortified. “I- we- there was—”

 

Peridot stepped in front of Steven and Lapis. “None of this is their fault,” she said quickly. “It’s just… Well, you see, I had managed to, uh… grow a new crop back at the barn. It was unlike anything I’d ever seen! Berries that talked!”

 

Randy’s eyes widened. “No…” he muttered.

 

“They fed off of nostalgia, and at first, it was really cool! But, uh, then it got annoying, so I… gave them away to all of the residents of Beach City.”

 

Randy yelled. “AHHHH! You what?!”

 

“Then I took a few of them to the temple, and some of them managed to… uh, infiltrate it.”

 

All three Crystal Gems gasped. “What happened then?” Garnet asked. 

 

Peridot sighed. “They unbubbled all of the monsters you were keeping in there and they got loose. And now Beach City is a war zone, because of the monsters and also because the citizens have all become nostalgia-driven lunatics.”

 

Stan realized something. “So, wait… that monster that attacked Kenny…” His eyes widened. “Oh my god.”

 

Kyle raised an eyebrow. “What?”

 

“Peridot killed Kenny.”

 

“Peridot killed Kenny?”

 

“She killed Kenny.”

 

Kyle glared at Peridot. “You… bastard.”

 

Peridot stepped back. “No- I-”

 

“You bastard!”

 

“I didn't mean for this to-” Peridot stopped as she looked over at the Crystal Gems. They looked so… disappointed. “You have to understand, all of this was an accident!”

 

Randy stepped forward. “Was it?” he asked. “How do we know the Member Berries haven't infected you, too?”

 

Peridot shook her head. “They didn't! I didn't eat any of them!” she looked at Steven. “Steven, ‘member how I didn't eat them!” Her eyes widened. “Remember! I mean remember!”

 

“It looks like one of us has been compromised,” Randy said.

 

“No! I- I didn't mean-!” She was starting to panic. Everyone was turning against her. Maybe she… deserved it? “I never wanted…” There was nothing more that she could say. Her actions killed Kenny. She was a bastard and everyone knew it. There was only one thing left to do. She turned and she ran. “I’m sorry!” she yelled as she ran from her friends, more for their safety than for her own—who knew what else she would screw up?

 

“Peridot! Wait!” Steven yelled after her. She was gone. “Guys, we have to go after her!”

 

“We’ll deal with her later,” Garnet said seriously, trying not to watch as rats began to surround Kenny’s body. “We need to return to Beach City. Now.”

 

Randy blinked. “What? Why? South Park is still in danger!”

 

“And it will continue to be,” Pearl said, “if we don't figure out what’s going on at the temple.”

 

Steven was still looking worriedly in the direction Peridot went. “But… but Peridot…”

 

Randy glared at Pearl. “What about the artifact?! We need to—”

 

“There IS no artifact,” Pearl interrupted. “There never was. Frankly, I’m not sure why I even entertained the idea. It’s COMPLETELY ridiculous.”

 

Randy paused. Had he really overreacted? Again? Was this entire thing a result of his inability to just wait and see if there actually was a problem? Finally, he sighed. “You’re right. You should head back to Beach City. They need you there, I don't know what I was thinking, having you guys come here.”

 

Garnet adjusted her shades. “Come on. Let’s go.”

 

The Crystal Gems followed, albeit reluctantly in Steven and Lapis’ case. Randy sighed. “Well, that sucked.”

 

The kids couldn't help but agree. Just like that, their adventure had come to an end with no real conclusion. And Butters was definitely going to get grounded when he got home.

 

Wendy looked at her phone. “It’s getting late,” she muttered. “Bye, Stan,” she said as she walked away.

 

Kyle glared at the floor. “Man. And they didn't even get to teach Cartman a lesson for taking advantage of the refugee crisis.”

 

Stan raised his eyebrow at Kyle. “Just give it a rest, dude,” he said as he and his father left. Kyle looked in his friend’s direction.

 

“What?” Kyle looked at Butters, who just shrugged and left as well. Kyle frowned and looked down at Kenny’s body. Finally, he sighed and decided to go home, paying no attention to the black helicopter that flew overhead.

 


	8. Executive Order

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peridot and her mysterious new friend learn how to defeat the Member Berries.

Peridot walked gloomily through South Park, thinking about everything that had gone wrong just in the last Earth rotation. She allowed the Member Berries to take over Beach City, accidentally freed every single monster in the temple, and killed Kenny. She tried to figure out what she would do next.

 

_ Maybe I can live here,  _ she thought. They definitely wouldn't want her back in Beach City, and Peridot was sure Lapis would love to have that whole barn to herself. She got excited thinking about it. She could get a real human job in South Park, where she would only have to deal with human problems and NOT risk dooming the planet. She was only a hindrance to the Crystal Gems. Here? She could be ANYTHING!

 

...It was a fun thought to entertain, but Peridot knew even that wouldn't work out. She doubted she’d really fit in anywhere. She didn't know if she really WANTED to fit in anywhere. She didn't deserve to fit in anywhere. Kenny was dead because of her. Shouldn't she be dead, too?

 

Peridot realized she was not alone. Somebody was following her. She turned around quickly and saw that the street was empty; but a discarded can rolled away, as if somebody had made a quick getaway. They couldn't fool her. She KNEW somebody was there. “Who’s there?” she asked. “I know you’re following me!”

 

“You can't blame yourself for what happened,” a deep voice said beside her. Peridot gasped in surprise and turned to face her assailant. A child in a goofy costume was perched atop a garbage can in the alleyway nearby. He wore a black hood with a green question mark figure affixed to the top, a domino mask which concealed his identity, and a long, flowing cape. Peridot thought that the most ridiculous part of his costume was the shirt—Steven called that particular variant “tightie whities”—that the child wore over his clothing. 

 

Peridot glared at the child. “You look ridiculous,” she said. “Who are you and what do you want from me?”

 

“I am the guardian who watches over this town,” the child responded. “Always watching. Never seen.”

 

“But I can see you right now.”

 

“You blame yourself for the Member Berries infecting Beach City,” the child continued.

 

Peridot frowned. “How do you know about that?”

 

“Always watching. Never seen.” The child hopped off of the garbage can and approached Peridot. “You can't blame yourself. This is a problem that can be fixed, and if you're busy blaming yourself, you can't fix it.”

 

Peridot glanced away from the boy. “I can't fix everything. Kenny’s dead because of me.”

 

The child raised an eyebrow in surprise, and, briefly, dropped the voice. “What the hell? You remember that?” Peridot looked back at him, and he coughed and returned to his disguised voice. “Uh, I mean… What the hell?”

 

“What?”

 

“You can remember Kenny’s death.”

 

Peridot looked offended. “I’m not going to FORGET it! What kind of a monster would I have to be?”

 

The boy looked at the floor. “I don't know. I’m starting to wonder myself.” Strengthening his resolve, he looked back up at Peridot. “But you can't blame yourself for that, either.”

 

“Why not? It was my fault.”

 

“Kenny was doomed from the start.”

 

Peridot tilted her head. “What do you mean?” She shook her head. “Whatever, it doesn't matter. The point still stands that I killed Kenny.”

 

“And do you want that to be your lasting legacy?” The masked boy asked. “Do you want to be known as the bastard who killed Kenny?”

 

“I… no,” Peridot said. She wanted so badly to do whatever it took to redeem herself. 

 

“Then redeem yourself,” he said, mirroring her thought.

 

Just then, a small voice could be heard ‘membering all the good times. A lone Member Berry rolled down the street and bumped into Peridot’s foot. “‘Member trickle-down?” it asked.

 

The boy reached down and picked up the berry. “So. This is what’s causing all of our problems,” he mused.

 

“‘Member the Karate Kid?”

 

Peridot grimaced. “Get that thing away from me,” she said. “I don't want anything to do with you, ‘member?”

 

The berry laughed. “Ohhhh, I ‘member! You created us, ‘member?”

 

Peridot’s face fell as the berry continued to laugh at her misery. It wasn't wrong. 

 

The boy had an idea. “‘Member the New Deal?” he asked the berry, which stopped laughing and frowned.

 

“No, I don't ‘member.”

 

“‘Member Bill Clinton?”

 

The berry started to look more and more distressed, and suddenly tried to fight from the boy’s gloved grip. “I gotta get out of here, ‘member?!”

 

“‘Member ObamaCare?!”

 

The berry screamed in agony, and suddenly exploded, covering the boy and Peridot in its juice. Peridot stared in amazement. “That’s a start,” the boy said. 

 

“How did you do that?” Peridot asked, amazed.

 

“Simple. The berries have a fond remembrance for conservative American ideals, but they can't handle those with differing political views.” He wiped the juice off of his face. “I guess you could say I… triggered something in them.”

 

Peridot’s expression brightened. They could be fought. “That’s… genius. I… I can fix this.” She suddenly found herself extremely excited and turned around to yell into the town. “I can fix this!” she yelled, wanting the whole universe to hear. “Hey, thanks, kid—” she said as she turned around, but the boy was gone. Nonetheless, she smiled. “I can fix this,” she repeated to herself, feeling the Yellow Diamond insignia on her chest. She wasn't one of them. 

 

Or if she was, she would very shortly make sure she wasn't.

 

Suddenly, a black helicopter flew very low overhead, startling Peridot.

* * *

 

The helicopter touched down at South Park Elementary, and from it disembarked Eric Cartman, who was followed by two K.U.N.T. agents wielding assault rifles.

 

“You sure that thing is gonna be here, kid?” one agent asked. “I just don't see some alien superweapon being kept in an elementary school in this tiny little mountain town.”

 

“Exactly,” Cartman responded. “It’s the last place you’d expect it to be, and therefore the first place we should look.”

 

“Oh. Well, I guess that makes sense.” 

 

The agents remained outside and stood guard while Cartman entered. Making his way through the dark halls, he reminded himself once again of all of the cool shit Yellow Diamond was gonna give him. The list included ten million dollars, his own bathroom in every establishment imaginable, and a real life Death Star, just to name a few things. It was gonna be so cool.

 

Cartman rounded the corner and stopped in front of the counselor’s office. Hard to believe the device was right under a Crystal Gem’s (very pointy) nose the whole time. Hell, it was hard to believe Mr. Mackey had the device, but Cartman knew it was the only conclusion that made sense. Mr. Mackey was a hoarder, and all signs pointed to “some human in South Park found the device, had no idea what it was, and kept it”. Eric just needed to search Mackey’s mess of an office… where to begin?

 

Peridot carefully observed the K.U.N.T. soldiers from her hiding spot in the bushes across the street from South Park Elementary. “Alright, Cartman. What are you doing?” she asked herself.

 

“Whatever it is, he needs to be stopped,” the boy from earlier said, startling Peridot. 

 

“Can you not do that?” Peridot said, glaring at the child next to her. “Where did you go earlier, anyway?”

 

“I go where I am needed. Right now, I am needed here,” the kid responded. 

 

“You still never told me who you are.”

 

“I’m a friend, and currently you have none. That’s all you need to know.”

 

Peridot rolled her eyes. “Can I at least get a name?”

 

“You can call me… Mysterion.”

 

“How mysterious,” Peridot said sarcastically. Mysterion began to walk towards the school. “Where are you going?”

 

“Going to see what Cartman is up to.”

 

“Those guys have weapons,” Peridot said. “I mean, that isn't a problem for me, but your human body is all… squishy. And fragile.”

 

“It wouldn't be the first time I’ve been shot,” Mysterion muttered.

 

“What was that?”

 

“Let’s go,” Mysterion said, ignoring the question as he motioned for Peridot to follow. “I have a plan.” As they got closer, they began to listen to the conversation the two soldiers were having.

 

“So, how about that shitshow in Beach City?” one asked. “Place is a warzone now. Governor Carney’s talking about sending in the National Guard.”

 

The other shrugged. “I have a vacation home out there,” he responded. “Those looters better not burn that shit down.” He then noticed the two people approaching. “Hey, beat it, kids, this isn't a place for you two.”

 

Peridot glared at Mysterion. “That was your plan? Just waltz up to them and ask?”

 

Mysterion simply stared up at the soldiers, his serious look unwavering. “This is a public building,” he told them. “We can go wherever the fuck we want.”

 

Peridot raised an eyebrow. “Yeah, and also, kids? I’m over a thousand years older than you,” she said to the offending soldier.

 

Said soldier rolled his eyes. “Oh, okay. One kid dressed in a gay little costume, and a gay little midget wearing…” he glanced down at Peridot’s outfit and noticed the diamond symbol on her chest. “You one of Steve Bannon’s people?”

 

“Uh…” Peridot stammered, confused. She glanced over at Mysterion, who nodded slowly. “Yes. Yes I am. And this is my escort.”

 

“I’m her escort.”

 

“Well why didn't you say so!” the soldier exclaimed happily. “Go right on ahead!” he said as he motioned towards the door, moving aside for Mysterion and Peridot to enter. Peridot shrugged and smiled as they both entered the school. 

 

Once the door was shut behind them, Peridot turned to Mysterion. “Well, that was easy.”

 

“That’s something you learn when you’re in South Park long enough,” Mysterion said as he crossed the the large entry room, Peridot following. “The adults around here are all morons.” They entered a hallway lined with lockers and doors to several classrooms. 

 

“Where could Cartman be?” Peridot wondered out loud. “This building is huge. It could take us forever to-” she stopped talking as Cartman left the room directly to her left, whistling as he walked with a small, blue object in his hand.

 

“Wow, I gotta take a shit,” Cartman muttered. He turned to walk to the bathrooms, but stopped when he came face to face with Peridot. “Oh.”

 

“What are you doing here so late?” Peridot asked. “And why were you escorted by armed guards? What’s going on, Cartman?”

 

“What are you still doing in South Park?” Cartman asked, glaring at Peridot. “Shouldn't you be fixing your gay little beach house?”

 

“First of all,” Peridot began, holding her pointer finger up, “it’s not MY base of operations, it’s my FRIENDS’ base of operations.” She glared back at Cartman. “Second of all, answer my question. What’s that you have in your hand?” Peridot glanced to her side and noticed that Mysterion was gone again. “Where did you go now?”

 

Cartman hid the object behind his back. “I don't know what you’re talking about,” Cartman lied. “I don't have any- AY!” Cartman exclaimed as Peridot shoved him back slightly and grabbed the object when he dropped it.

 

“What is this?” she asked, examining it. “Wait, is this Gem technology? Where did you get this?”

 

“Give it BACK!” Cartman yelled, jumping forward to grab it, though Peridot sidestepped and continued to examine the object as he slammed face first into a locker. “AY!”

 

“Is this the artifact everyone was looking for?” Peridot continued to inquire. She examined the object from all angles. “What’s its purpose? It looks useless to me.”

 

“That’s right, it’s useless, now GIVE IT HERE!” Cartman again lunged for the object, this time tackling Peridot, who dropped it. The object slid across the floor, until it was stopped by a black shoe. Cartman looked up to see none other than Kyle Broflovski standing above the two of them.

 

“Oh, I KNEW it,” Kyle complained. “I KNEW you were up to something, Cartman,” he said as he picked up the object and began to look at it.

 

“Kyle?” Peridot asked, standing up. “What are you doing here?”

 

“After the Crystal Gems left, I realized something,” he explained. “Where in South Park would a mysterious, dangerous artifact be, if not all the places we already looked? The answer, obviously, is in the last place anybody would EVER look.” He paced around Cartman, who shot him an annoyed look. “It’s SO predictable and formulaic. It’s like a structure! First, we spend HALF of the time searching in all the places it SHOULD BE, without considering the other options. Then, just when it seems like we’ve COMPLETELY run out of ideas, suddenly, we find ourselves in the one place we DIDN’T think to look.” He glared at Cartman. “But it seems like fatass here already thought of that, didn't he?” 

 

“Rude.”

 

“So now here we are,” Kyle continued. “One hero, one villain, and one person whose alignment is unclear,” he said, glancing at Peridot, “all in one big Mexican standoff with the magic artifact in sight.” He looked again at the object. “What is this thing, anyway?”

 

Peridot shrugged. “Beats me. Cartman’s the one who wanted it.”

 

Kyle glared at Cartman again. “Well, fatass? What is it?”

 

Cartman sighed and approached Kyle. “Kyle, if you would let me explain, this will all become very clear to you.”

 

There was a beat of silence between the two boys. “Well?” Kyle said. “I’m wait-” he was caught off guard as Cartman kicked him in the groin and grabbed the device. “Fuck!” Kyle yelled as he fell to the ground, holding his balls in pain.

 

Cartman ran off and began to taunt Kyle in a high-pitched singsongy voice. “Nyeh-nyeh nyeh-nyeh nyeeehh heh, I have the Corrupting Liiiight, ha-ha ha-ha haaaaa-ha!”

 

Peridot’s eyes widened. “You have WHAT?!”

 

Kyle stood up, the pain in his crotch area subsiding. “After him!” he yelled as he and Peridot gave chase. They followed Cartman through the halls of South Park Elementary.

 

“You know,” Peridot said to Kyle while they ran, “for such an obese human, Cartman really does run fast!”

 

Kyle glared ahead. “Yeah! What the fuck?!”

 

Their chase took them out of the school’s side door, where the Goth Kids were hanging out, listening to sad music and smoking. Cartman pushed past them. “Out of my way, assholes!” Immediately following was Peridot, who jumped over the kids and continued running, while Kyle ran around them. The kids seemed not to notice as Henrietta took another long drag from her cigarette.

 

Peridot was about to catch up with Cartman, but just as they rounded another corner, she saw that he had hopped aboard the helicopter he arrived on. Kyle rounded the corner just as Cartman’s bodyguards pointed their rifles at his pursuers, stopping them in their tracks.

 

“Shit!” Kyle yelled as the helicopter began to take off.

 

Peridot wouldn't take this loss sitting down. Mustering up the determination, she began to run towards the helicopter. One K.U.N.T. agent fired a shot at Peridot.  _ Well,  _ she thought in that split second,  _ I guess I should have seen that one coming. _ What she didn't see coming, however, was Mysterion, who came out of nowhere and pushed her out of the way, instead taking the bullet himself.

 

“OW!” he yelled, falling to the ground as the helicopter flew away. “That fucking hurt!” 

 

“Mysterion!” Peridot yelled, kneeling by her fallen ally.  _ Not another one,  _ she thought grimly. She didn't want to let another human die because of her. 

 

Kyle ran over to Mysterion’s body. “Jesus Christ, you crazy bastard!”

 

Mysterion groaned. “Fuck.”

 

“He’s alive!” Peridot exclaimed. “Oh, thank the stars.”

 

“Yeah, no, no, not for long,” Mysterion muttered. “I’m going to fucking bleed out any minute.”

 

Kyle noticed the blood pool forming under Mysterion. “Kenny, Jesus Christ, dude, now’s not the time to play super heroes! We’ve gotta get you to a hospital!”

 

Peridot was confused. “Kyle, Kenny’s dead.”

 

Kyle glanced at Mysterion. “Well, yeah, he will be if we don't get him to, like, a doctor or something.”

 

Peridot was even more confused. “Kyle. This can't be Kenny. Kenny died earlier today, don't you ‘member?” She blinked. She did it again. “Agh. Don't you  _ re _ member?”

 

Kyle glanced again at Mysterion. “Pretty sure I’d remember Kenny dying, dude.”

 

Mysterion coughed. “Peridot. Peridot, I need you to listen to me. Whatever Cartman’s up to, you can't let him succeed.”

 

“We sure can't,” Peridot said. “He has the Corrupting Light.”

 

“The hell’s the Corrupting Light?” Kyle asked.

 

Peridot stood up. “Lapis told me about it. She actually witnessed it, back when she was trapped in that mirror. It was this… light. And a song. It was both, somehow? Anyway, it was like… this super weapon that was used at the end of the Rebellion. I can't possibly begin to explain to you what it did, because even I don't fully understand it, but what I DO understand is that it was really, really, really bad.” Peridot looked back at Mysterion. “The monster we saw earlier was created by the Corrupting Light. It used to be like me and the other Crystal Gems.”

 

Kyle’s eyes widened. “Holy shit, dude.”

 

“Peridot, you have to stop whatever’s happening,” Mysterion said. “That’s why I took that bullet. My life is ultimately less important than yours.”

 

Peridot scratched the back of her neck. “Yeah, about that… That wasn't necessary. At that bullet’s trajectory and speed, it actually would have hit extremely far from my gem. Therefore, only my physical form would have been harmed, and I’d have retreated into my gem to heal.”

 

“What.”

 

“Yeah, the worst that would have happened is I’d have rested for a couple of weeks. Then I’d regenerate a new body feeling better than ever.”

 

There was a beat of silence. 

 

“So I took that bullet for nothing?” Mysterion asked.

 

“Yeah, pretty much.”

 

“FUCK!” Mysterion yelled. That was his last word; he died shortly after.

 

Kyle examined Mysterion’s body. “Kenny died for you, dude.” He looked back up at Peridot, then gave her an annoyed look. “You bastard.”

 

Peridot noticed an envelope just underneath Mysterion’s arm. She went to go pick it up, before opening and reading it.

 

_ Dear Peridot, _

 

_ If you are reading this, the highly likely event that is my tragic death has come to pass. You also have likely been told that I, Mysterion, am actually an alter ego of Kenny McCormick, whose death you witnessed at SoDoSoPa earlier in the night. I was initially unsure how you remembered such an event passing, but I now hypothesize that your advanced exposure to Member Berries, as well as your experience personally growing them, has given you a new power of sorts; you can ‘member things others cannot, including my death. _

 

_ Let me be absolutely clear; I am, in fact, Kenny McCormick, whose death you witnessed previously. I won't go into the gritty details, but the bottom line is that I am an immortal; any time I die, I wake up shortly afterwards in my bed, having been “resurrected”. In addition, no matter how gruesome or memorable my death, no matter how many witnesses, no matter how hard they try to remember, nobody can remember by deaths. Nobody, that is, except for you. _

 

_ I hope this will set your mind at ease. Today was not the first time I have died, and it will certainly not be the last. Although my deaths have become less frequent with time, they are by no means unavoidable, and today was by no means your fault. Please understand that. You were not at fault at all, and as I said earlier, your actual mistakes can be fixed. _

 

_ I trust that you will do the right thing, _

_ Kenny. _

 

“What does it say?” Kyle asked as Peridot slowly looked back at Kenny’s body, which was now surrounded with rats.

 

Peridot put the letter away and a look of determination replaced her look of confusion. “I’m going to fix this mess.”

 

“How?” 

 

“First, we’re going to help the Crystal Gems fight the Member Berries in Beach City, because we’re going to need THEIR help to stop whatever Cartman’s up to.”

 

Coincidentally, another loose berry rolled by, laughing and ‘membering. “‘Member the Death Star?”

 

Peridot smirked. “‘Member Woe v. Wade?” The berry exploded. Alright, so that still worked. Even now, her brilliant mind was conjuring up a brilliant plan. “Come on, Kyle. We have work to do.”

* * *

 

“Oh, jeez,” President Garrison groaned as he read all of the papers on his desk. “Everybody sure is mad that I didn't repeal Obamacare yet. What did they expect, it’s not like I said it would be this easy.”

 

An adviser held up a transcript of something Garrison had said on the campaign trail and read it off. “‘On my first day in office, I will personally fuck Obamacare to death. I will drill a hole into the entire 2,000 page bill and show it a real good time. That bill will be fucked so hard, Paul Ryan will say I should have shown it mercy. Obamacare will be fucked, fucked, fucked, the moment I get elected, and it will be so easy. Fucking Obamacare to death will be the easiest thing any president has ever done ever and it will be done hours after my inauguration.’ You said this in August.”

 

“Well who told you that, the fake news organizations?!” Garrison retorted.

 

“This is a direct transcription of one of your campaign rallies, sir.”

 

“Sir,” a secret service agent approached Garrison. “You’re needed in the Situation Room.”

 

“Is Eric back with the whozit-whatzit?” He stood up and followed the agent to the Situation Room. “You know, I am so BEAT. I actually had to WORK this weekend. Can you believe that? I worked on a fuckin’ Sunday. Unbelievable. I’m the President, not a fuckin’ servant. I could have gone golfing or some shit.”

 

Garrison entered the room, which again saw Steve Bannon sitting in his seat at the head of the table. Cartman was already back. “Oh, hey Mr. Garrison, what’s up?” Cartman asked as Garrison sat down at the table. 

 

“You have the device?”

 

“Hell yeah I got the device, brah,” Cartman responded. Steve Bannon activated his Homeworld Communicator. 

 

“This is the Yellow Diamond-”

 

“Go eat a grilled dick sandwich, Pearl, the ADULTS are talking,” Bannon rasped. “Okay? Do. You. Understand. Me?” he said very, very slowly, as if Yellow Pearl was mentally impaired.

 

Yellow Pearl again looked extremely offended. “My Diamond, the President of the United States wishes to speak with you again.”

 

Garrison glanced at Bannon. “Why does she keep calling you the President?” he asked, annoyed.

 

“I don't know, maybe she’s retarded,” Bannon said disparagingly, glaring at the Pearl. Suddenly, Yellow Diamond appeared onscreen. “Greetings, My Diamond,” Bannon said as he saluted. “Eric Quartz Cartman has brought the device.”

 

“Excellent,” Yellow Diamond responded. “As I’m sure you’re aware, that device can't work by itself. It releases a signal that needs to be amplified in order to be effective at all. I trust you know what to do.”

 

“Yes, My Diamond. We already have a plan in place to broadcast that signal. Operation: Fuck the Planet is in full force.”

 

Garrison blinked. “What the hell is Operation: Fuck the Planet?”

 

Bannon paced to the other end of the room. “The climate change executive order you signed last night. It contained one… extra clause.”

 

“Hmm. Maybe I should start reading these things before I sign them.”

* * *

 

“Good morning Washington, D.C.!” the disc jockey greeted his audience. “You’re listening to Elliot in the Morning from the DC 101 building in Rockville, Maryland, broadcasting from 5:48 to 10-something in the morning. I’m Elliot Segal, here with Diane as usual, so let’s just get this thing started.” Elliot looked over at his co-host. “Hey, Diane.”

 

“Hmm?”

 

“Are we still simulcasting in Beach City?” he asked. “Like, is that station down or something? I haven't heard anything from Alt-Rock Delmarva’s producers in like a month.” Both were silent. “Like, are we- do you know? No? Ah, whatever. We’ll figure it out, I’ve got a vacation home out there, so everything better be alright,” Elliot laughed. “Anyway, just a reminder to all of our listeners at home, starting next Wednesday, our building will become the new home for the… hang on, let me make sure I’ve got this right… the ‘Corrupting Light’ is gonna be attached to one of our transistors next week… And it’s going to start broadcasting the week after. I think that’s right. Apparently it’s a part of the new K.U.N.T. initiative. The government is going to be running the Corrupting Light through like every major radio station in the country.”

 

“...can they do that?” Diane asked. 

 

“Well, it’s not hurting anybody. ...It’s like- I think they actually rented the airtime from WWDC, I imagine they’re doing the same thing everywhere else.”

 

“What even is the Corrupting Light?”

 

Segal looked back down at his papers. “It doesn't say. They just want as many people listening as possible. Anyway. Whatever. It’s not important, it’s probably some kind of a data collection thing. Okay, let’s go to our first caller. Hi, Elliot in the Morning!”

 

“‘Member the war on drugs?” a high pitched voice laughed over the phone.

 

“Excuse me?” Elliot asked. “I’m sorry, I didn't catch that.”

 

“Oh! Oh! ‘Member Africa?”

 

“Ohhhh, I ‘member Africa! Hey, hey, hey! ‘Member the Cold War?”

 

Several high-pitched voices laughed over the phone. Elliot hung up. “Damn kids,” he said. 

 

On the other end of that call, the Member Berries were making the Crystal Gems’ temple their own. A disco ball now hung from the ceiling, which reflected various colorful lights while the berries all danced and sang along to the Member Band. 

 

“ _ It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you,” _ they sang. “ _ There’s nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do. I bless the rains down in Africa. Gonna take some time to do the things we never had, _ ” the berries continued to sing. The Crystal Gems all watched the scene from outside.

 

Figuring the temple’s warp pad would be unsafe, they instead warped from Denver onto the pad near the barn and approached Beach City from there. This, of course, provided the most dramatic view of the extreme damage Peridot had caused to the area. First, they saw the massive field of Member Berries growing around the barn, waiting to be picked. From a distance, smoke clouds could be seen rising from the town. As they walked towards the town and traveled through it, all they saw was utter chaos. Member Berries roamed the streets freely. Gem monsters ran free. The city’s citizens burned, looted, and vandalized nearly everything. Steven nearly shed a tear when he saw the Big Donut in ruins, Lars having presumably burnt it down the first chance he got. Those who weren't looting and vandalizing were barricaded in their homes, defending themselves against vandals and looters. The National Guard had been called in, and they tried to keep the peace in the city the only way they knew how; by pelting the rioters with beanbags and covering them in clouds of tear gas. The Crystal Gems all tried to pretend that the loud cracking noises in the distance were firecrackers or car exhaust pipes, and not gunshots.

 

Steven had never seen Beach City in such a state. It horrified him.

 

“I haven't seen the city in this state of disrepair since Randy lived here,” Pearl had quipped at one point. Nobody thought it was funny. “Well, I laughed,” she said in response to the incredibly awkward silence and glares from her teammates.

 

Now, the five of them—Garnet, Amethyst, Pearl, Lapis, and Steven—sat outside the Temple, observing the Member Berries inside. Amethyst chuckled. “Man, who knew Peri was so  _ bad  _ at being a good guy?”

 

“Or she’s really good at being a bad guy,” Garnet replied.

 

“Guys, come on!” Steven complained. “Can we not deflect our problems onto Peridot? She’s going through a lot right now!”

 

Pearl stared out at the burning city. “ _ She’s  _ going through a lot?” 

 

Garnet nodded. “Steven’s right.”

 

“Thank you!”

 

“We’ll deal with her later.”

 

“Yeah, we’ll– wait, no, I don't like the way you said that!”

 

“Right now, we need to focus on restoring order to Beach City,” Garnet continued, ignoring Steven's protests. 

 

“Okay, but HOW do we do that?” Pearl asked. 

 

Just then, Steven’s cell phone rang. He glanced at the caller ID; it was a Colorado number, and though he didn't recognize it, he picked it up anyway. “Hey, can you call me back? We’re kind of-”

 

“Steven! Steven, you have to listen to me!”

 

“Peridot?”

 

Pearl glanced at Steven. “Peridot? What does she want now?”

 

Steven ignored Pearl. “Peridot, where are you?”

 

On the other end of the line, Peridot stood in the Marsh’s living room, using Kyle’s phone to contact her friends while Stan, Randy, and Kyle listened. “I’m back in South Park. Steven, we found the artifact. Randy was right. It WAS in town, but Cartman got it.”

 

“What was it?”

 

“It was a device capable of creating a Corrupting Light.”

 

“ _ What?! _ ” all five voices on the other end suddenly yelled out simultaneously.

 

Randy approached Peridot and grabbed the phone. “Steven, this is Randy Marsh. Eric left town on a K.U.N.T. helicopter, which means the government has the Corrupting Light. Now, we can stop them, but we’re going to need your help.”

 

“What do you need us to do?”

 

“First, we need to stop the Member Berries. Once that’s taken care of, we can take the fight back to the President.”

 

Pearl groaned on the other end. “Thanks for the advice, Randy! In case you haven't noticed, we have NO idea how to fight the berries.”

 

Randy glanced at Peridot, who nodded. “Peridot knows how to fight them.”

 

“She does?”

 

“We’re going to take out every single one of the Member Berries in one go,” Randy continued. “This planet will be nostalgia-free by this time next week.”

 

“Randy, the Member Berries are set in their views. How on EARTH are you going to rid the world of something as base as NOSTALGIA?”

 

Everyone waited with anticipation for Randy’s brilliant idea. The suspense was killing them. Finally, Randy spoke up. “We’re going to trigger them.”


	9. Clod in the Shell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Crystal Gems and Randy put on an 80s concert! Also, Peridot and the boys infiltrate Starkiller Base.

The sunrise was always her favorite part of the rotation.

 

Peridot sat on a bench in the Marsh family’s backyard, simply observing nature. The evergreen tree branches rustled slightly in the breeze, the birds sang while they went about their morning routines, and the various woodland critters hopped playfully in the seemingly permanent layer of snow that covered the town. She sighed when she thought about how the planet she loved so much seemed not to know how much danger it was in. 

 

She estimated that they only had six days left before the Corrupting Light was ready to be activated. Next Wednesday, if they were not stopped, President Garrison’s administration would activate the device and eradicate the Crystal Gems once and for all… perhaps even more than that. She truthfully had no idea what the full effects of the Corrupting Light were. She wasn't there. Would the other creatures of the Earth simply go about their days totally unaware of what had happened? Or would they, too, be destroyed? Would the people of South Park miss a beat? Would Beach City eventually return to normal?

 

The last week had been spent setting up her most elaborate, high-stakes mission yet. Everything was finally in place. Peridot knew that this was, quite possibly, the last sunrise she would ever see. The likelihood of her being captured, shattered, or worse, corrupted, during the mission was high. Higher than she was comfortable with. But she was okay with that. It was in planning for this event that she realized she was willing to die for the greater good of this planet. She supposed that made her a patriot. 

 

She hadn't seen any of the other Crystal Gems since their departure from South Park, and honestly, it killed her inside. She never thought she’d say this, and she certainly wouldn't to his face, but she wanted to see Steven’s dumb, pudgy, smiling face again. She wanted him to make her watch his dumb cartoons, she wanted Amethyst to make dumb jokes about Peridot’s uptight mannerisms and short stature, she wanted to see Pearl’s dumb pointy nose again, she wanted to not know for sure what Garnet’s dumb fusion brain was thinking. She wanted to see Lapis again, period. She cared so much about every single one of them. So she’d die to protect them, too, she supposed.

 

“You’re up early,” an older voice said behind her. Peridot turned her head slightly and saw Randy’s wife, Sharon Marsh, standing in the doorway. “Wanted to catch the sunrise, huh?”

 

Peridot chuckled, and looked back at the sunrise. “I’m up  _ still _ ,” she responded, her eyes following a rabbit as it hopped across the ground near a tree. “I don't sleep. Not like humans do, anyway.”

 

“You were out here all night?” Peridot nodded.

 

“I’m just… thinking about things,” she replied. “When I became stranded on this planet two years ago, I never thought I’d be risking my life to protect it.” Peridot looked down as Stan’s… dog, she thought it was called, approached her. It reminded her of Pumpkin, who she also couldn't wait to see again. She began to pet Sparky. “I won't see my friends again until this is all over. And by that point…” she sighed. “I wonder if they still hate me for causing this mess in the first place.”

 

Sharon sighed and walked over to Peridot. “You know, Peridot, my husband is… not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree.”

 

“He sure isn't.”

 

“He causes a lot of messes around here. I can't count the amount of times Randy’s left South Park in a state of panic because he overreacted to something small.” She sat down next to Peridot. “But his heart’s in the right place. He just wants what’s best for his family, and I know that he’ll always try to right his wrongs in the end. After all, even a broken clock’s right twice a day.” Peridot smiled. “You see what I’m saying? I think your friends know that you’re just trying to do the right thing.”

 

“Thank you, Mrs. Marsh.”

 

Sharon stood up. “Breakfast is on the table. Why don't you come join us?”

 

“I don't eat-” Peridot began, before stopping herself. “Actually, yeah, I think I’ll join you.”

 

While Peridot and Sharon returned to the house, the doorbell rang, and Stan went to go answer the door. Kyle, Kenny, and Butters stood on the other side.

 

“Stan!” Kyle greeted. “The commercial’s almost on.”

 

“Sweet, dude.” The boys walked over to the TV set to turn it on. Peridot approached them, smiling. Kenny gave her a thumbs up.

 

“Is the commercial on?” Peridot asked.

 

“We’ll be right back to ‘Fightin’ Around the World with Russell Crowe’ after these messages!” the announcer… well, announced.

 

“Shh! Here it is!” Kyle said as everyone sat down to watch.

 

“Remember the 80s?” a TV voice asked the viewer. “Of course you do. Everyone loves the 80s. Fuck you.” The kids all smiled at each other. Their plan was falling into place. “Tonight in Beach City, we’re beginning a week-long celebration of everything that made your parents’ childhoods so good, and it’s all for a wonderful cause!” Shots of Beach City before the riots flashed onscreen. Randy—dressed in a wig and dress—appeared on-screen, standing in front of what once was the Big Donut.

 

“Hello. I am Lorde. ‘Member the 80s?” he said. “Beach City needs our help. The town is in ruins after a devastating riot. Every ticket sold for this event will be donated to the ‘Member Beach City’ restoration fund. With your help, we can rebuild Beach City to be even more 80s than ever before.”

 

The announcer returned. “Featuring musical appearances from: Lorde! Toto! Asia! Michael Jackson’s hologram! Queen, featuring Freddie Mercury’s Hologram! Daryl Hall & John Oates! Bruno Mars! Madonna! Kim Wilde, and many, many more! Also featuring a theatrical performance by Michael J. Fox, a comedy routine with Bill Cosby, and an opening keynote speech by United States President Ronald Reagan’s hologram! The Washington Redskins present: The Make Beach City Great Again Easter Benefit Concert! Buy your tickets now!”

 

As the commercial ended, the boys—and Peridot—all smiled at each other.

 

“Every Member Berry in the country is going to be at that concert,” Peridot said proudly. “They’re going to fall right into our trap.”

 

Kyle nodded. “This’ll wipe that smirk off of Cartman’s fat face!”

* * *

 

Cartman’s fat face smirked as he walked through the coolest thing he’d ever seen; a fully-converted radio tower capable of broadcasting any signal to any television or radio device across the planet. Mr. Garrison and Steve Bannon followed him. “Hmmm. Nice. Nice. So, I’m gonna get to take this thing over once you’re done with it, right?”

 

Mr. Garrison nodded. “Yeah, we're not gonna need it, I mean, jeez, have you SEEN how unnecessary this thing is? The taxpayers are gonna be PISSED.”

 

“Sweet,” Cartman said.

 

Garrison raised an eyebrow. “What the hell are you gonna do with the world’s most advanced radio tower, anyway?”

 

Cartman stared into the distance, imagining a perfect world. “My true calling, Mr. Garrison. For as long as I can remember, I’ve always known that the one thing I was born to do… was own a multi-billion dollar media franchise.”

 

_ “Hey guys,” Cartman introduced from the very complicated and expensive imaginary set of his imaginary talk show. “Welcome to The Cartman Show, on Cartman TV, the world’s largest, coolest TV network in the world. I’m your host, Eric Cartman, voted coolest kid on the planet twenty years in a row.” The imaginary audience applauded. “Today, on The Cartman Show, I’m going to be interviewing the one, the only, YouTube’s own, Jim the Ninja.” _

 

_ The imaginary audience applauded again as an imaginary Internet personality took the stage and sat down. “Thanks, Eric,” Jim said in a voice that sounded strikingly similar to Cartman’s own. “Wow, you’re so cool, it’s such an honor to be on this show.” _

 

_ “I know it is,” Cartman responded. “I’d be star struck if I were you. I was, after all, voted coolest kid on the planet 20 years in a row. So, today Jim, I wanted to talk to you about aliens. Crystal Gems are all up in our biz. ‘Sup with that, brah?” _

 

_ “I’m glad you asked, Eric,” the imaginary Jim the Ninja responded. “You know Eric, I think humans are becoming the minority on our own planet. It’s wrong. It’s wrong!” _

 

_ “Right you are, Jim. It’s totally not cool. What did you say those statistics were?” _

 

_ “Gems are more likely to commit interplanetary war crimes than humans,” Jim responded. “These are just facts.” _

 

_ “We’ll talk more about that and more after the break,” Cartman said, “but first, I’d just like to thank our sponsor, Cartman Burger; best burgers in the galaxy. Alright, we’ll be right back after these messages.” _

 

Cartman continued to stare idyllically at nothing. Steve Bannon looked at Mr. Garrison, who just shrugged.

 

“So how’s this Corrupting Light thing work anyway?” Mr. Garrison asked.

 

Bannon retrieved a diagram he’d drawn up beforehand and laid out the plan for the President. “We’ve attached new transformers to most major radio stations in the country. These transformers will divert power to Starkiller Base—that being the tower we’re currently standing in—which houses the Corrupting Light. The device will emit a high-frequency signal, which will be amplified by the various satellite radio signal boosters around the tower. The end result is an incredibly powerful light which will wipe out all Gem life on Earth. You know, by turning them all into horrible monsters.”

 

“Alright, okay, and what happens when the Crystal Gems show up and kick our asses?” Mr. Garrison asked.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“Don't you know anything about plot structure?” Garrison chided. “OBVIOUSLY, since we’re about to do something big, the good guys are gonna show up in a bit and kick our asses. It’ll look like we’ve won until all of a sudden we’ve had our asses handed to us by the underdog.”

 

Bannon rolled his eyes. “You’ve been watching too many movies.”

 

“I’m just saying, this is all really predictable and formulaic!”

 

“Yeah, it would be, if we were in a Star Wars movie, dipshit,” Steve Bannon scolded. “But since you insist; I have some… insurance.” Bannon retrieved a walkie-talkie from his belt. “Send in the Major.”

 

A door nearby opened, and Scarlett Johansson entered the room, dressed in a black jumpsuit. Mr. Garrison raised an eyebrow. “Your insurance is Scarlett Johansson?”

 

“Mr. President, meet Major Motoko Kusanagi,” Bannon introduced. “She’s the military’s most advanced weapon.”

 

“This is the lady from the Avengers.”

 

“Do not be fooled by her appearance,” Bannon said. “Her shell might be that of Scarlett Johansson, but her brain, her soul, her… ‘Ghost’, if you will, is that of a little Japanese girl.”

 

Garrison continued to stare at Major. “Okay, that’s fucking stupid. How is she going to help us?”

 

“Think about it, Mr. President,” Bannon continued to explain. “A woman with the combat-worn body and physique of Scarlett Johansson, but the tactical mind of a little eight year-old Japanese girl. Imagine how powerful a weapon that could be.”

 

“I don't think Scarlett Johansson did her own stunts in the Avengers.”

 

“Whatever! The point is that Major, this so-called ‘Ghost in the Shell’ here is the finest weapon ever built, and she will put a stop to any plans to thwart us.”

 

“So, is this a robot body modeled after Scarlett Johansson, or…?”

 

“No, it’s Scarlett Johansson’s actual body.”

 

“Then where’s her brain?”

 

Steve Bannon thought about it for a moment. “I think we threw that out.”

* * *

 

Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Butters stood in a line as Peridot approached each of them and attached a small, star-shaped pin to their clothes. Kyle noticed that his star had six points, and he glared at Peridot. “Dude.”

 

Peridot shrugged. “This is all we had.”

 

Butters smiled. “Oh! Kyle! Here, take mine! I have an extra from when Eric and I went to Beach City!” Butters handed Kyle his five-pointed pin from back then. Kyle smiled and put it on, discarding the six-pointed judenstern. 

 

“Alright everyone, let’s go through the plan one more time,” Peridot began, dragging a chalkboard in front of the kids and illustrating her plan. “Randy and the Crystal Gems are currently in Beach City, setting up for the concert. Once they’ve lured in all of the Member Berries, they’re going to indiscriminately shout every leftist view they can think of until the berries can't handle it anymore and explode. Hopefully, this will get rid of all of the Member Berries, or at the very least, enough of them that the rest can be hunted down at our leisure.”

 

She flipped the board. “At the same time, the South Park Crystal Temps—that’s us—will advance on Starkiller Base, a tower in Rockville, Maryland which I’ve been told used to be the DC101 broadcasting office. Security is tight, so only I will enter. The rest of you will create a distraction so I can get in. Once I am inside, I will make my way to the Elliot in the Morning studio, where the Corrupting Light will likely be broadcast from. What’s interesting about this operation is that the device actually doesn't need to be destroyed for their plan to fail, so if worse comes to worse, we have a backup plan.”

 

She pointed to a very detailed drawing of Kenny entering a production office. “Kenny, you will sneak into the PRODUCER’S office while I deal with Garrison and Cartman in the studio. The host of Elliot in the Morning has a bit of a potty mouth, and apparently humans are big babies when it comes to that sort of thing, so the show is broadcast on a 5-second delay. Should I fail, and they manage to activate the device, you have a 5-second window to cut the broadcast altogether, and the Corrupting Light won't be able to leave the studio. Of course, if they manage to activate the device while I am in the room, I’ll…” she trailed off and frowned. Then she cleared her throat and chuckled nervously. “Well, hopefully we won't get to that point.”

 

Stan looked over the plan once more. “Wait, why don't we cut the broadcast in the first place? If Kenny’s already in the room he could-”

 

“Yes, I thought about that,” Peridot interrupted. “The device only has enough energy stored in it to emit the light once. If we cut the broadcast off too soon, they’ll realize something’s up, send reinforcements and call off the activation. It’s too risky. Cutting the broadcast is to be used as a last resort only, do you understand, Kenny?” Kenny nodded. “Great. Any more questions?” Nobody had any. “Excellent. Come on, it’s now or never and we’re already a day behind, we need to get to the Denver warp pad,” she said as she and the boys marched out of the house.

* * *

 

The beach in front of the Temple was packed with Member Berries and humans alike as they waited for the event to get started. A rather large stage was constructed, adorned with a large amount of lights so that the people and berries of Beach City could properly enjoy the show. Backstage, Randy peaked out from between the curtains, his mouth agape when he saw just  _ how many _ Member Berries there were. The beach was PACKED, and what he could see of the city streets were also packed. “Holy shit,” he muttered, before returning to the Crystal Gems, who themselves were preparing. “Guys, I think every Member Berry in the country is out there.”

 

“Good,” Pearl responded, not looking up from the schedule she was holding. “That means it’ll be easier to take them all out at once. Has President Reagan’s hologram started the opening ceremony, yet?”

 

“He’s going to be on stage in five minutes.” Randy looked around. Garnet, Amethyst, Pearl, and Steven… “Where’s Lapis? She’s supposed to do the grand finale of your act.”

 

Pearl craned her neck and gestured to a nearby dressing room with her head. “She’s in there.”

 

Inside the dressing room, Lapis was reading a Sports Illustrated magazine while a Vietnamese woman worked on her hair. She didn't really care about sports (or know what half of them were), but the article she was reading about Tiger Woods pulling out of the Masters this year was interesting enough to keep her occupied while her hairdresser worked her magic. The woman put down her brush and left to go get a tool from the other room. Lapis just shrugged and continued reading, but something felt… off. Like someone… or someTHING… was watching her. 

 

Putting down her magazine, Lapis glanced around the room. Not seeing anything, she shrugged and looked back in front of her, only to realize that she WAS being watched.

 

“‘Member TIE Fighters?” a lone Member Berry asked from the table in front of her.

 

Lapis glared at the berry. “Enjoying the view?” she asked sarcastically. “We’re not doing a backstage tour, go back outside and wait like everyone else.”

 

“‘Member your home?”

 

“You’re really annoying, you know that?” Lapis said, unable to mask the hostility in her voice. She chuckled bitterly and leaned down to the berry’s level. “But that won't be a problem for much longer, will it? Your days are numbered, you bastardization of science and-” The berry suddenly launched itself into Lapis’ open mouth, causing her to choke it down. Once she was done coughing and swallowed it, a calm suddenly fell over her. “Science and… science… shills…” Lapis began to sputter nonsense, before finally articulating her words properly. “Science is funded by the Obama government, and therefore cannot be trusted.” She smiled and leaned back.

 

Randy entered the room. “Hey, Lapis. You almost ready?”

 

Lapis glanced up at the mirror in front of her and glared. “Why is this here?” she asked. “You know how I feel about mirrors.”

 

Randy approached the mirror and stared at it. “Yeah. I’d be pretty bummed out too if I had to look at the botch job that hairdresser did.”

 

Lapis glared at Randy. “She’s not done yet, you moron.”

 

“Oh.” Randy stood in awkward silence before deciding to take his leave. “Well, uh, just let us know when you’re ready.” He turned and left, shutting the door behind him.

 

Lapis glared back in the mirror. All of the memories were coming back. She ‘membered exactly how much she hated all of the Crystal Gems. They trapped her. They treated her like a tool. They used her, and the only reason she was free now was because Steven disobeyed them. Even now, she wasn't free. She was trapped on this crummy planet where nobody gave a  _ fuck  _ about her except for Steven and maybe Peridot, although Lapis considered it far more likely that Peridot was afraid of her.  _ As she should be. _ And now Peridot and the Crystal Gems were trying to destroy the very thing that opened her eyes to just how much her life sucked in the first place.

 

Fuck that. They wouldn't get away with this.

 

The hairdresser returned and continued to work her magic. Lapis narrowed her eyes. Now, only one thing was on her mind.

 

Revenge.

* * *

 

Peridot, Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Butters approached Starkiller base, which was quite possibly the largest man-made structure Peridot had ever seen (although, to be fair, she’s never been to Empire City—she made a note to go traveling with Lapis and Steven once this was all over). It was very heavily guarded, with K.U.N.T. soldiers patrolling the perimeter. Peridot searched for a way in and realized that the front door was probably her best bet. 

 

“Okay,” Peridot said. “The diamond on my clothes should be enough to fool most of these guards into thinking I’m with Garrison, except for… those two,” she said, pointing to two guards she recognized from earlier—their name tags indicated their names were Trey and Matt. “They saw Kyle and I at South Park Elementary last week.”

 

“I’m on it!” Butters yelled enthusiastically, grabbing Stan and running over to Trey and Matt.

 

“How come we always get stuck with the shit jobs?” Trey asked. “Like, we should be running things, not the yahoos in there.”

 

Matt shrugged. “Hey. Have you heard that Bannon got kicked off of the National Security Counsel?”

 

“Nuh uh!” Trey responded, shocked. “Really?”

 

“Yeah. This is supposed to be his last assignment with them.” Butters and Stan approached. “Hey, beat it, kids, some really serious government stuff is going on right now.”

 

Stan glanced at Butters and sighed. “Hey, uh, we’re from a couple of neighborhoods over. We, uh, saw a Crystal Gem just running around and we wanted to let you guys know.”

 

“A Crystal Gem?” Trey mused. “Say, Matt, if we can capture a Crystal Gem by ourselves, they’ll HAVE to give us a promotion! Where’d you see it, kid?”

 

Butters pointed in some random direction. “She went that way! Come on! Follow us!” Butters and Stan proceeded to lead Matt and Trey on a wild goose chase. 

 

Peridot nodded to Kyle and Kenny, and they made their way to the building, approaching two more guards at the entrance.

 

“Beat it, kids-”

 

“I was sent by Yellow Diamond,” Peridot interrupted, giving the salute as proof. Doing the Great Diamond Authority’s salute actually made her feel sick now, which she was so proud of. “I’m here to make sure the launch goes well.”

 

The guard glanced at his buddy and glared suspiciously at Peridot. “Who are your friends?”

 

“These are my guards. I think you’ll find my credentials check out. Peridot, Facet-2F5L Cut 5XG.”

 

“Holy shit that’s a lot of numbers. Okay, okay, you can head on inside.”

 

Peridot smirked. “Thank you,” she said as she, Kyle, and Kenny walked in.

 

Once they were inside, the soldier grabbed his radio. “This is Unit 7. The Dorito is in the bag. I repeat. The Dorito is in the bag.”

 

“Excellent,” Steve Bannon replied on the other end. He nodded to Scarlett Johansson, who nodded back and made her way to the lower levels.

 

“One more thing,” Unit 7 continued over the radio. “She’s got two kids with her. Might wanna be careful, wouldn't want them to get hurt.”

 

Garrison raised an eyebrow. “Two kids? Who’s with her?”

 

“A blonde kid in an orange parka and a Jewish kid in a green hat.”

 

“Kenny and Kyle?” Garrison asked. “Okay, Steve, those are my students, what exactly is Major going to do down there?”

 

Bannon shrugged. “I told her to kill indiscriminately.”

 

“What?! Call it off, right now!”

 

“What’s done is done. Kenny and Kyle sided with a terrorist, they’re already dead as far as America is concerned.”

 

Garrison glared at Steve Bannon. “If those kids die, you're fired,” he said. Bannon chuckled.

 

“You’re not the one in charge here,” he replied. “I am. I always was.” Garrison raised an eyebrow as Bannon went off to observe the progress of the device activation.

 

“Oh, jeeeez.”

* * *

 

Peridot, Kyle, and Kenny made their way through the building. The elevators had been deactivated, so they had to find the stairwell. “It’s got to be around here somewhere,” Peridot muttered. Suddenly, she heard Kenny yell something through his hoodie. She turned around and saw that he was pointing to a door labeled “Broadcast Production.” “Great find, Kenny! I guess this is where we part ways. Good luck.”

 

Kenny entered the room. The walls were lined with controls and computer monitors viewing everything that was going on in the broadcasting room. Kenny glared as he saw Cartman on one monitor, using a measuring tape on several pieces of equipment, while Garrison and Bannon were displayed on the other monitor, overseeing the progress of the Corrupting Light. He began attempting to find the delay cutoff button, not noticing that he was not alone in the room.

 

Scarlett Johansson stood in the shadows.

 

Peridot and Kyle made their way up a set of stairs, Peridot leading and Kyle following close behind.

 

“Hey, Peridot?” Kyle broke the silence. “You seem to know a lot about the bad guys. What’s up with that?”

 

“I used to work for the bad guys,” Peridot responded.

 

“But not anymore?”

 

“Not anymore. I’ve been off the grid for about two Earth revolutions now.”

 

“Oh.” Kyle glanced down at the floor. “So, you reformed?”

 

“I guess.”

 

“Do you think Cartman’s capable of that?” Peridot shrugged. “I mean… He’s a fat asshole dickhead and he’s been one for as long as I’ve known him. But recently I feel like… I don't know, who was wrong first? Stan brought this up last month, we ripped on his weight a LOT.”

 

“Maybe that’s why he’s such a clod,” Peridot said. “What Eric is doing right now is evil. But maybe if people were nicer to him, he’d be nicer in return. Do you know anyone who he favors over the others?”

 

Kyle thought about it. “Heidi Turner. I just don't get it. She’s the only one that he seems capable of acting like a decent human being towards, and even then, he lies to her, he’s deceptive, he desperately tries to keep her from finding out about shit he’s done in the past…”

 

“Kyle, I obviously don't really know much about Eric or who he used to be or who he is now—”

 

“One time he didn't like a kid so he ground his parents up into chili and made him eat them.”

 

Peridot stopped. “Excuse me?”

 

“Yeah dude, he fed Scott Tenorman his own parents.”

 

Peridot blinked. “Huh. Maybe I’m wrong. It doesn't sound like he can be redeemed in any way.”

 

“I don't know, I just… maybe, once this is all over, we should start treating Cartman less like a fat sack of shit and more like a person.” A very worrying thought suddenly entered Kyle’s mind. “You’re not going to kill him, are you?”

 

Peridot’s eyes widened. “Of  _ course  _ I’m not going to kill him. What on Earth would that solve?”

 

“A lot of things. But- but don't kill him, okay?”

 

“Wasn't planning on it.”

 

More silence. Peridot and Kyle entered the broadcast studio. “Are you going to probe hi- HEY!” Kyle yelled as he was pulled into the shadows by an unseen figure. Peridot turned around abruptly and scanned the area.

 

“Kyle?!”

 

“Well done, Peridot,” a raspy voice suddenly sounded from behind her, slow claps filling the room. Peridot slowly turned around and saw that the lights all centered on one area, slightly elevated from the rest of the room. Steve Bannon sat on a throne of sorts facing Peridot; to one side was President Garrison, and to the other side stood Cartman. Behind all of them was a large computer monitor. “You’ve made it quite far, but I’m afraid this is where your little journey ends.”

 

Peridot stepped forward. “So, you must be the President.”

 

Garrison groaned. “God dammit, he’s not the President, I am!”

 

Steve Bannon hushed him. “Quiet you.” He turned his attention back to Peridot. “So, we meet at last, Peridot, Facet-2F5L, Cut 5XG. You know, you really have been such a useful tool. You really did a number on Beach City.”

 

“I’m fixing it.”

 

“Oh, I’m sure, I’m sure.” He chuckled.

 

“What’s so funny?”

 

Bannon leaned back in his seat. “You know, Peridot, your water-winged dyke friend sure is susceptible to the Member Berries’… influence. She must have a lot of misgivings about Earth.”

 

Peridot blinked. “Water-winged dyke?” She only knew what the first part of that description meant, and it only applied to… “Lapis?! What did you do to her?!”

 

“Nothing, nothing,” he said. “Your friend is safe. Well… as safe as the rest of the Crystal Gems, anyway.” He laughed again. “It’s what SHE’S about to do that you should be concerned about.”

 

“What’s she about to do?”

 

_ “It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you,”  _ the lead singer of Toto sang. The crowd was going nuts. “ _ There’s nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do. I bless the rains down in Africa. Gonna take some time to do the things we never had.”  _ Randy approached the Crystal Gems.

 

“Alright guys, up next we’ve got Hall and Oates doing  _ Out of Touch _ , then I’m up with  _ Tennis Court _ , and then you guys are gonna join me for that new song I wrote about how great Obama was.”

 

Pearl nodded. “Got it. Lapis, our performance depends on that grand finale. Are you ready?”

 

Lapis sat tensely and glared ahead at nothing in particular. “Yes. I am ready. Tonight’s show will be like nothing you have ever seen.” She narrowed her eyes. “I’ll make sure of it.”

 

The group briefly fell silent, before Pearl smiled enthusiastically. “Great! This plan can't fail!”

* * *

 

Bannon swirled a glass of wine in his hand while he read tomorrow’s newspaper. “Would you like a drink, Peridot? We have some of the finest wine on the planet.”

 

“I don't drink. ...or eat.”

 

Bannon hummed. “Hmmm. ‘Tragedy at Beach City Concert’. So sad, I can't believe all of those lives were lost.”

 

Peridot narrowed her eyes. “What do you mean?”

 

“In just a few hours, your friends are all going to become corrupted. They’re going to go nuts and kill everyone at that concert. Then, people will be so afraid of aliens, they’ll be willing to hand over complete control of this country to me.” Bannon chuckled again. “You know, Peridot, it’s funny. The only true way to keep people in line is to tell them not to give in to terrorism, while at the same time keeping them at a pants-shitting level of fear that they and their entire families could fall victim to terrorists.”

 

“You’re horrible.”

 

“I’m a LEADER,” Bannon proclaimed. “Once everyone is scared that a Crystal Gem is going to kill them, they won't question me when I declare martial law and crown myself king of Earth.”

 

“Your plan is world domination?”

 

“My plan is GALACTIC domination, my dear Peridot.” Bannon leaned back in his seat. “Even now, our scientists are working on mass-producing the Corrupting Light. Soon, I’ll even have Yellow Diamond at her knees.”

 

Peridot suddenly realized that this situation was way, way worse than she could have imagined. “You’re going to take out Homeworld?”

 

“Ironic, isn't it? They provided me with the tools to bring you down, and because of that, they’ve brought themselves down.” He raised an eyebrow as he noticed that Peridot was glaring at him. “Oh, don't look so upset, dear. Don't you know? You get to do this with me.”

 

“Excuse me?”

 

“Join me, Peridot. Soon, you will have your revenge against Yellow Diamond.” Steve stood up and marched down to Peridot. “She crossed you. It’s time to give her what she deserves.”

 

“Nobody deserves what you’re trying to do. Not even Yellow Diamond.”

 

“So you won't join me?”

 

“Don't hold your breath.”

 

Bannon shrugged. “Fine. You get to be Patient Zero, then.”

 

“What?”

 

“Strap her down.”

 

Two K.U.N.T. soldiers approached Peridot and dragged her to a table. She struggled, but unfortunately, it wasn't enough, and they were able to strap her down in no time. “Get off of me, you clods! Hey! What are you doing?!”

 

Bannon approached the table. “Peridot. Would you like to know what this machine is?” he asked, gesturing to a large machine directly above her.

 

“Is it the cure to the gross space disease you appear to be dying from?” Peridot asked in a biting, snarky tone.

 

Cartman started to chuckle, but stopped when Bannon glared at him. “This, Peridot, is a localized version of the Corrupting Light. You’re going to be our first test subject.”

 

“Oh no! I have to take a test? I didn't study!” Peridot said, faking a worried tone. “Is it open note?”

 

“You’re very funny.” Bannon left the area. “I’ll be in my quarters. Let me know when it’s finished charging.”

 

Mr. Garrison sighed. “Yes, sir,” he said, dejectedly. Bannon was gone. “Asshole.”

 

Peridot looked up at the machine above her. Yeah. She couldn't hide it behind her smart-ass demeanor much longer. On the inside, she was _ freaking the fuck out _ .

 

_ Well,  _ she thought.  _ I’m screwed. _

* * *

 

“Let me go!” Kyle yelled. He couldn't see anything through the bag over his head. “I can't breathe, get this off!” The bag was removed, and Kyle glared at the figure in front of him, then raised an eyebrow in surprise at who it was.

 

“Kyle Broflovski,” President Obama said. “You and your friends have been busy.”

 

Kyle looked around. He was in a dark, featureless room with only a lamp in the ceiling and a door on the fair wall. “President Obama? You’re working with Mr. Garrison?”

 

Obama stepped back and turned around. “Several of my people have gone undercover in the Garrison Administration, trying to undermine him to minimize the damage he can do to this country.”

 

“Great! So you can help Peridot!”

 

Obama thought about it. “Hmmm. No.”

 

“What?”

 

“Our goal is to save the four original Crystal Gems and remove Steve Bannon from power. Peridot is a threat to that goal.”

 

“What, so you’re gonna let them KILL her?”

 

Obama sighed and returned to face Kyle. “If Peridot is allowed to live, the consequences could be severe. She’s the one who started this mess in the first place, Kyle.”

 

“How do you plan to stop Mr. Garrison without Peridot’s help?”

 

“We have a man on the inside.”

 

Kyle looked concerned. “Who?”

 

“We don't have much time. The 80s concert in Beach City is about to be sabotaged by a mole. We need to get to the Delmarva peninsula right away.” He uncuffed Kyle and led him out the door. The building they were in wasn't very large at all, and before they knew it, they were approaching a large, black helicopter on the lawn. Stan and Butters stood in front of it, both looking just as confused as before.

 

“But what about Peridot?”

 

“This is a matter of national security. We need to go right away.”

 

Obama boarded the helicopter. Kyle shot Stan a confused glance, and Stan shrugged in return. The boys boarded the helicopter, which took off for its destination shortly afterwards.


	10. Cucked

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Member Berries tighten their grip on Lapis Lazuli, and Peridot faces the final boss.

_ “Talk to me baby,”  _ Peridot sang while strapped to her table, trying her very best to annoy the shit out of her captors.  _ “I’m going blind from this sweet-sweet craving, whoa-oh.”  _ A K.U.N.T. soldier glared at her.  _ “Let’s lose our minds and go crazy-crazy. Ah ya ya ya ya ah, keep on hopin’ we’ll eat cake by the-” _

 

“Shut the fuck up!” the soldier yelled.

 

Peridot stuck her tongue out. “Make me. Do you want me to do another one? I use Steven’s Spotify account, I have a whole bunch memorized.  _ Two to the one from the one to the three, I like good-” _

 

“Seriously, if you don't shut up, I’m going to smash your gem with a hammer.”

 

“Do it. It’s better than the fate Mr. Syphilis Face has planned for me.  _ Vrei sa pleci dar nu ma nu ma iei-” _

 

“Enjoying yourself?” Steve Bannon asked as he returned.

 

“I should ask you. This is for YOUR entertainment, after all,” Peridot responded, her snarky tone earning a glare from Bannon. “I think there’s a rodent crawling around under your skin,” she said, chuckling. “Perhaps you should get that checked out?”

 

“Laugh while you can,” Bannon snarled back. “Soon, you won't even be able to remember what fun feels like.”

 

“This is false,” Peridot retorted, raising her head to try and meet Bannon’s eyes. “Monsters are still capable of feeling… a basic instinctual drive similar to ‘fun’. Once the corruption is done, I can toss my tongues up in the air for fun.” She let her head fall back onto the table. “And I’ll be big enough to kick your butt afterwards anyhow,” she muttered. “That sounds pretty fun.”

 

Bannon lowered himself to Peridot’s level, a sneer on his face. “Humor is an escape. I can see it in your eyes. You’re fucking terrified.”

 

“Gee, you think?” Peridot said, feigning cluelessness. “Hmm. What about this situation would POSSIBLY be frightening to an Era 2—AKA, completely defenseless—Peridot such as myself?” She glared at Bannon once again. “Yes, I’m terrified. I’ll also keep trying to halt your plans until my dying breath.”

 

“I know you will.” He rose again and walked over to the window. “You know, Peridot, you’re already a villain, here. I don't see what the point is in pretending you didn't fuck your friends over.”

 

“Oh, and like you’re any better, Mr. Galactic Genocide?”

 

Cartman groaned. “Weak burn, bro. Super weak.”

 

Bannon turned around and glared at Peridot. “At least I don't pretend. Okay? I know I’m the bad guy. I don't care that I’m the bad guy. Darkness is good. Dick Cheney. Darth Vader. Satan. That’s power. It only helps us when they get it wrong. When they’re blind to who we are and what we’re doing.” He paused and marched back over to the table, chuckling. “This whole fucking country has turned to the dark side, and you know why that is, Peridot? Because the bad guy. Always. Wins. Sorry life isn't some Disney fairy tale or some fuckin’ Star Wars movie or some shit, but that’s just how things are. Let me reiterate. I am the bad guy. I am the villain. I am evil as shit. So. Are. You.”

 

“Alright. Fine,” Peridot conceded. “Sure. I screwed up. I was the bad guy for a really, really long time, even before all this stuff with the Member Berries, but you know what? I tried to fix it. That’s what separates me from you, Steve. So whatever happens after that, I can die knowing I tried to stop you.”

 

Bannon just glared at Peridot in silence, before shaking his head and walking away. “I’ll be back,” he muttered to Mr. Garrison as he walked past. Mr. Garrison sighed and began to wipe off his spray tan. What was the point anymore? He looked over at Peridot and lowered his eyebrows.

 

“All I wanted was to feel important,” he lamented. “Half of the country hates me. That’s not important. I’m a nobody.”

 

Peridot glanced up at the President. “It’s not too late to turn things around,” she said.

 

Garrison sighed. “He told me you’d try and… get in my head. Eric, you watch over Peridot for a bit, I’m gonna go send some tweets.”

 

Cartman grinned evilly and looked at Peridot. “Gladly.”

 

Peridot groaned. “Greeaaaat.”

* * *

 

Stan, Kyle, Butters, and President Obama sat in a makeshift Situation Room, just outside of Beach City, watching the 80s concert as it progressed. Obama’s drone centered its attention on Lapis Lazuli, who was sitting backstage reading a comic book. “That’s the one. She’s about to betray the Crystal Gems.”

 

Butters’ eyes widened. “Lapis?! Why, she wouldn't hurt a fly!”

 

“She stole the world’s oceans three years ago,” Obama corrected.

 

“That was her?” Stan asked. “Dude, we thought that was, like, global warming or something.”

 

“Lapis Lazuli has been compromised by the Member Berries. We have to take her out. SEAL Team Six, do you copy?”

 

“Copy, Mr. President. We’ve got four snipers trained on her gem ready to fire at your command, sir.”

 

“Now hold on just a gosh dang minute!” Butters yelled. “You don't have to KILL her! Lapis is a really nice lady, and if you kill her… well, I’d be real sore! So would her friends! Besides, you aren't even the President anymore, this isn't your decision to make!”

 

“We don't have a whole lot of other options,” Obama responded. “If we don't take her out right now, she’s going to sabotage the concert and the Crystal Gems won't be able to stop the Member Berries. The only other option is a drone strike, which would only poof the gems, but kill everyone else, human or Member Berry.”

 

“You can't do that either, my dad’s down there!” Stan said. “Look, what if- what if we talked to her?”

 

Obama appeared to consider it. “You really think you’d be able to talk her down?”

 

Butters nodded. “I did it before! This isn't the first time the berries had a hold of her, I’m SURE we can snap her out of it again. Right fellas?”

 

“Yeah!” Stan and Kyle said in unison.

 

The former President thought for a moment. The sniper signaled through the earpiece. “Mr. President? We’re ready to take the shot.”

 

Obama looked back at the kids, then sighed. “You have one hour.”

 

Butters laughed. “Alright, fellas! Let’s get to that concert!” The boys all left the situation room and made their way into Beach City.

 

Once the boys were gone, the former President activated his earpiece again. “Keep your sights trained on Lazuli. If something goes wrong, we need to be ready.”

 

“Yes, sir.”

* * *

 

Kenny scanned the control panel for any buttons that might help him help Peridot. He glanced up briefly, then did a double take when he saw Peridot strapped down to a table on one of the monitors. “What the fuck?” he said to himself, still wholly unaware that he was not alone in the room. 

 

“Impressive, is it not?” Scarlett Johansson said from behind Kenny, startling him. “The green one retains more human characteristics than her adversaries. Why is that, do you think?”

 

Kenny turned around quickly. “Who the hell are you?” he asked, his words muffled through his parka.

 

“My given name is Major Scarlett Johansson. I was assigned to kill you.”

 

“Oh, shit, dude.”

 

“But,” Major Johansson continued, “I question if this is the morally just thing to do. I am not merely Scarlett Johansson. I am Scarlett Johansson with the brain of a human being.”

 

“What?”

 

Major Johansson paced the room. “It is not beyond me that, perhaps, my creator himself is corrupt and created me for evil purposes. What do you think, Kenny? Is Steve Bannon evil?”

 

Kenny blinked. “Really?”

* * *

 

Cartman approached Peridot, grinning evilly. “So. It looks like the tables have turned, Peridot.”

 

“I never kept you trapped,” Peridot scoffed. “Is this because I called you fat? If it is, I apologize.”

 

“Yes, well— ...what?”

 

“I’m sorry I made fun of your weight,” Peridot repeated. “It was rude of me and is absolutely not what Steven would have done. I’m ashamed that I stooped to that level. I was emotional and acted irrationally, but that’s no excuse for my behavior. So I’m sorry, Eric. You don't deserve to be shamed for your body mass. Nobody deserves that.”

 

Cartman looked genuinely shocked. “Oh. Cool,” he said, slowly. He looked around the room a bit, before slowly making his way over to Peridot’s right side—where no soldiers were positioned. “That doesn't change the fact that you’re a traitor to your kind. Peridot, did you know that Gems are becoming a minority in their own galaxy?”

 

“Excuse me?”

 

“You know, we’re all doing you a favor.” He unfastened the belt on Peridot’s wrist. “Yellow Diamond would have just shattered you outright.”

 

Peridot’s eyes widened as she realized that her right arm was now free. “Cartman, what are you—?”

 

“FURTHERMORE,” Cartman said a little louder, interrupting her, “I personally would do a lot worse to you if I had the chance. Have you ever heard of Scott Tenorman?” he asked as he unstrapped Peridot’s right ankle.

 

“Why are you—?”

 

“Shut UP, Peridot!” Cartman said through gritted teeth, before laughing nervously at the K.U.N.T. soldier that was staring at him. He backed up from the table and returned to where he previously stood. “Seriously, though, you’re gonna get what you deserve.”

 

Steve Bannon and President Garrison returned. Bannon looked at a monitor near the table. “Ah. It’s ready. Good.” He pressed a few buttons, and the machine above Peridot roared to life. She swallowed as the gun began to glow. “Alright. That’s one problem that I’m about to get rid of. Any last words, Peridot?”

 

Peridot took a deep breath and readied herself. She would have to time this exactly right…

 

“No? Alright, then. Goodbye.” Bannon turned a knob on the panel, and the device was finally at full power. He smashed a fist on the big red button in the center of the panel, and the machine fired off a large beam of energy.

 

_ Now!  _ Peridot rolled her body over, using the side of her body that was still strapped in as a pivoting point, the light missing her by inches.

 

“What the hell?!” Bannon exclaimed. “How did she get free?!”

 

“Haha!” Peridot laughed, sticking her tongue out at Bannon—only to frown once she realized the metal table was conducting the energy. Eyes widening, Peridot quickly undid the strap holding her other hand down, causing her to fall off of the table. Wasting no time, she quickly curled up and loosened the strap on her ankle, allowing her foot to slide out with ease. She fell to the floor with a thud. “Ow.”

 

“Oh, jeez, she’s pretty flexible,” Garrison commented. “That’s gonna help you out a LOT later in life, believe me.” Bannon shot Garrison a disgusted glare as Peridot stood up.

 

“Haha! Hahaha! Ha! In your face, Bannon!” A few soldiers tried to approach her, but she used her metal manipulation to butt them in the faces with their own guns, knocking them out cold. Now, it was just Peridot, Cartman, Bannon, and Garrison. “Ah… wow. Okay. Uh…” Peridot thought about what she should do next. “Huh. I guess I should go turn the big one off now.”

 

“Not so fast, Peridot!” Bannon said, pulling out a pistol. “You’re not going anywhere.”

 

“Oh, great, a projectile weapon,” Peridot said, rolling her eyes. “Go ahead and shoot me.”

 

Bannon simply glared. “Garrison. Get me the cartridge.” Garrison didn't move. “Move it, you idiot.”

 

“Alright, alright, jeez.” Garrison marched over to a nearby desk and grabbed a small cartridge, about the size of the pistol’s magazine. Bannon emptied the actual magazine and, once Garrison returned, inserted the cartridge.

 

“Do you know what’s in this cartridge, Peridot?” Bannon asked.

 

“I have a feeling you’re about to tell me- AGH!” Peridot yelled in pain as she was knocked over by a small beam of energy.

 

“This cartridge, Peridot, contains a small amount of corruption energy.” He was very clearly starting to lose it. “Because it’s such a small gun, I’m going to need to shoot you repeatedly to fully corrupt your gem. It’s going to be exactly as slow and painful as it sounds. You really should have just let the big one get you.” He shot again. Peridot tried to dodge, but she was hit again and cried out. “Now hold still while I fucking kill you.”

 

Peridot tried to stand up, her legs seeming to fail her. It had begun, and she was  _ terrified. _

 

“Holy shiiiit.” Cartman said.

* * *

 

Stan, Kyle, and Butters made their way through Beach City, which was crawling with Member Berries, their voices overlapping as they fondly remembered the 80s. They could hear Hall & Oates playing through speakers that were positioned throughout the town.

 

“ _ You’re out of touch. I’m out of time, but I’m out of my head when you’re not around,” _ the boys listened as they made their way closer to the concert.

 

“Jesus, dude, how the hell are they gonna clean this place up afterwards?” Kyle asked. Stan shrugged. The song came to an end.

 

“Coming up next,” a smarmy voice announced over the speaker, “We have Lorde performing a live rendition of Tennis Courts!” Applause erupted from a nearby audience.

 

Stan glanced at the schedule. “We need to hurry,” he said. “After this song, my dad and the Crystal Gems are performing a song from his new album about Obama. That’s the song that’s supposed to start killing the Member Berries, so if Lapis Lazuli’s going to sabotage any part of the concert, it’s that one.”

* * *

 

Lapis stood in her dressing room, smiling. “Alright, are you guys ready?” she asked enthusiastically. Dozens of Member Berries responded affirmatively.

 

“‘Member the Storm Troopers?”

 

“‘Member the Mexico City Policy?”

 

“‘Member driving American-made cars?”

 

Lapis chuckled to herself. “Yeah. You’re ready.”

 

There was a knock at her door. “Five minutes, Ms. Lazuli!”

 

“Okay, I’m almost ready,” she called out to the stage manager. “You guys stay here, I’m gonna take care of ‘bidness’, as Amethyst would say.” She turned around and was greeted by three boys climbing into her window. “Hey, hey, whoa, no backstage tours— Butters?”

 

“Lapis! What the heck is goin’ on, here?!” Butters scolded. Stan raised his eyebrows at the numerous berries in the room.

 

“Dude, what the hell?” he muttered to himself.

 

“Butters, what are you doing here?” Lapis questioned. “It’s not safe. There are too many monsters on the streets. Don't worry, we’re going to Make Beach City Great Again, then you can come visit any time you want.”

 

“THIS is making Beach City great again?!” Kyle questioned angrily. “The city’s a fucking mess!”

 

Butters stepped forward. “Lapis, the government has bad, baaaaad things planned for the Crystal Gems, do you know what I am saying?”

 

“Yes, I know what you are saying,” Lapis said. “I don't care about that. The Crystal Gems were never my FRIENDS, I just worked with them because I had to. Butters, you remember what I told you. The Crystal Gems did horrible, horrible things to me.”

 

“I get that! I’d be real sore about it too, if I were you,” Butters retorted, “but—”

 

“Trust me when I say that I’m doing what I’m doing for the greater good,” Lapis said. “If the Member Berries are destroyed, then—”

 

“Then what?” Kyle interrupted. “You’ll forget the past?” Lapis opened her mouth to speak, but Kyle kept going. “The Member Berries feed off of your fond remembrance of the past. Maybe you’re trying to remember your home planet. Or a time before all that horrible stuff happened to you. But… When you think about it, wasn't there just as much bad in the past as there was good?

 

“Let’s just go off of what you’ve told us about yourself, which isn't even that much,” Kyle continued. “Whatever the Crystal Gems did to you, it was so painful that you still resent them for it, right?”

 

“I think we already established that, yes,” Lapis said.

 

“But that happened IN THE PAST,”

Kyle explained. “Like, WAAAAAY the fuck in the past. A thousand years ago! Same with all of the other shitty things that have happened to you. We all like to think that our past is better than our present, but the reality is that they’re equally shitty. We just look back on the past with fondness because we don't like remembering the bad stuff. So we just DON’T.” Kyle smiled up at Lapis. “But the bad stuff that happens today is recent. It’s still fresh in our minds. We CAN’T just forget it. But we will, eventually. Think about three bad things in your life right now, and then three good things.”

 

_ Bad things: I’m a fugitive, I have no purpose, Pearl exists. _

 

_ Good things: Steven, the barn… _

 

_ Peridot. _

 

Lapis’ face faltered slightly. “What are you trying to prove?”

 

“Now do the same thing, but with the past. Three bad things and three good things, go.”

 

_ Good things: I had purpose, I wasn't an enemy of the state, I maintained a low profile. _

 

_ Bad things: The war, the mirror, Jasper. _

 

_ Peridot. She kept you prisoner too, don't forget that,  _ another, much darker voice that sounded much like her own said.

 

Lapis shook her head. “I know what you’re trying to do, and it isn't working, Kyle.” She turned around and started to leave. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a future to secure.”

 

“Look dumbass, do you think anybody’s gonna let you get away with this?” Stan asked, annoyed. “There’s a fucking highly trained Navy SEAL sniper team out there RIGHT NOW ready to take your stupid nostalgia-blinded ass out,” he said. “If you go out there and sabotage that concert, they’re going to shatter you.”

 

“Don't care,” Lapis responded casually. She really didn't. The boys fell silent, but Kyle stepped forward.

 

“They’re going to kill Peridot, Lapis,” he said. Lapis stopped in her tracks.

 

“What?”

 

“Peridot’s in danger,” Kyle reiterated. “She’s all alone against the U.S. Government, and if we don't help her… she’s going to die.”

 

_ Good,  _ the voice said.  _ She deserves it.  _ Lapis looked conflicted. That… wasn't her voice. She wouldn't say that. 

 

Butters spoke up again. “Come on, Lapis. D-Don't let the Member Berries make you their bottom bitch. You’re better than that.”

 

The boys all stared hopefully at Lapis. Without saying a word, she turned and left the room. The boys remained silent—as did the Member Berries. Neither of them were sure whose side she was on.

* * *

 

Randy, in his Lorde costume, played his guitar while the Crystal Gems were on backup. Steven stood next to Randy playing his ukulele, and they both sang the lyrics that Randy had written about Obama. “Yah yah yah,” they sang. “Ohhhhbama, yah yah yah, Obamacare, you were great, yah yah, ‘member Obaaaamaaaaaaa,” the Member Berries looked annoyed, but none of them were dying, which concerned Randy.

 

Pearl frowned shot Garnet a half-lidded glance. “It’s almost like Randy’s music is completely void of substance.” Garnet shrugged and continued playing her keyboard.

 

Steven decided to kick things up a notch. “When you’re down on your luck, and you’re looking for change, Obama’s there, ‘cause he doesn't suck.” The Member Berries started looking more and more agitated. “The guy’s not perfect, but who really is? He really cares, because our world is his.” Randy decided to take a back seat to Steven’s singing. “Obama’s the guy, he and Bill Nye, they’re working together for you and I! (Yah yah yah, Obama.) If he can't do it, then nobody can, (yah yah yah, Obamacare, Obama cares.) Obama’s the guy, Obama’s my man!”

 

Randy smiled. It was working. The berries looked ready to pop!

 

Lapis marched out. It was time for her to do what she was made to do. Concentrating as much energy as possible on the ocean, she lifted a large body of water above the stage. From here, she had two options. She could either dump the water on the stage, drenching the equipment and frying everything, saving the Member Berries in the process. Or she could do what  _ Pearl  _ told her to do and actually perform the grand finale. But her mind was already made up.

 

Sighing, Lapis manipulated the water above the stage and with it created an incredibly realistic image of Barack Hussein Obama, 44th President of the United States of America. Truthfully, this was the most South Park-y thing that any Crystal Gem has ever done.

 

But Lapis wasn't a Crystal Gem. She blew away a tuft of hair that was hanging over her face and returned the water to the ocean, a dramatic splash drenching the crowd. Several Member Berries had begun to pop, and Randy laughed with joy and relief.

 

“It’s working! Holy shit, you guys, it’s working!” Grabbing megaphones from a nearby table, he handed one to each Crystal Gem. The liberation of Beach City had begun.

 

Stan, Kyle, and Butters ran out onto the stage, all ecstatic. “Lapis! I knew you could do it!” Butters yelled.

 

Randy raised an eyebrow. “Stan? Stan?! What are you doing here?!”

 

Stan gestured to Lapis, who was standing onstage, watching Garnet and Amethyst take care of the Member Berries as Pearl approached Randy and the boys. “She was planning to sabotage the show,” Stan explained. “The Member Berries got to her and we came out here to stop it.”

 

Pearl’s eyes widened. “Lapis was going to try and stop us?” She looked in the ocean Gem’s direction and walked over to her.

 

Lapis watched as berry after berry was destroyed by nothing more than Garnet and Amethyst’s words. She sighed. It really was a shame. The Member Berries were nice, but, at the end of the day, they weren't solving any problems. They were just making her ignore them. Pearl approached her.

 

“Hey,” she said.

 

“Hey,” Lapis responded without turning her head.

 

An awkward silence. Pearl cleared her throat. “So, the boys told me some… things. About how you were going to sabotage the concert.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Thank you for… not doing that.”

 

Lapis turned and shot a slight glare at Pearl. “I didn't do it for you.” She summoned her wings and prepared to take off.

 

“Where are you going?”

 

“To save the one I DID do it for.” Lapis then took off, leaving Pearl stunned.

 

“I—what?!” she frowned. “If I didn't know any better, I’d say she was still sympathetic to those stupid berries.”

 

“She might be,” Kyle said as he approached. “But you know what? That might not be such a bad thing.”

 

“Excuse me?”

 

Kyle waved her off. “I’ll explain later. Right now, we need to go help Peridot. What’s the quickest way to Rockville?”

* * *

 

Peridot knelt in front of Steve Bannon, her energy truly well and gone. This was it. She could feel it happening. Primal instincts were beginning to take over, her thoughts were becoming clouded, and her entire body ached, like something was about to change. It would only take a few more shots from the gun, and…

 

Mustering up as much energy as possible, she stood up and hopped backwards as Bannon fired another shot at her. “Dance, monkey! Dance!” Bannon laughed as he fired more shots at Peridot’s feet. Peridot tripped and fell on her butt, gritting her teeth. 

 

“What’s wrong with you?!” she complained. “You’re psycho. You’re actually psycho.”

 

Garrison glared at Bannon. “Alright, Steve, I think that’s enough. Don't you think this is a LITTLE cruel and unusual?”

 

“Did I ask for your opinion, you fucking ape?”

 

“Well jeez, that wasn't very nice.”

 

“But I suppose you’re right,” Bannon chuckled. “Let’s finish this. Peridot. Any last— where the shit did she go?” Peridot was gone, as was Cartman.

 

Cartman dragged Peridot, who was bordering on unconsciousness, behind a railing. “Wake up. AY! Wake up, bitch, I’m not messing around!”

 

Peridot leaned against the railing, breathing heavily. “We have to stop him…”

 

“Look, if we can get you out of here, you’ll be fine, alright? The corruption will probably wear off and you won't turn as long as you don't get hit anymore. Got it?”

 

Peridot peered around the corner. “First, we need to destroy the main reactor.”

 

Cartman looked pissed off. “Dude! Fuck that! Let’s just fucking bail, if we get you back to South Park before the Corrupting Light goes off, you’ll be able to escape the main blast in a cave or some shit.”

 

“But my friends…”

 

“Fuck them! You gotta think about self-preservation, dawg!”

 

Peridot glared at Cartman. “Seriously, there’s something very wrong with you—”

 

“Shh! Shh!” Cartman hushed her, covering her mouth with his hand. Bannon was nearby.

 

“Peridot? Come out, come out, wherever you are.” He laughed again. “I’m not playing games with you, Peridot, you’re making this much harder than it needs to be.” Bannon grinned. “You could still join me, you know. I’m going to need someone with inside knowledge on Homeworld’s inner workings, and you’ve already been SUCH a great help. What, with all those Member Berries you grew? You’re a natural.”

 

Bannon chuckled. “But, I suppose I can't let you take all of the credit. After all…” he paused, looking behind a railing. She wasn't here. “...I set things in motion. Who do you think was the one to hide that first batch of berries in your barn for you to conveniently ‘find’?”

 

Peridot gasped. It… Was all his fault. Steve Bannon was the one who provided her with the materials to  _ ruin her life _ . 

 

“They showed me pictures of Lapis Lazuli. Boy, is she a cutie. Maybe if you work with me, I’ll spare her. After all… I’m going to need a queen when I take over the galaxy.

 

Now Peridot was pissed off. “You piece of shi-” she yelled, coming out of her hiding spot to confront Bannon. Unfortunately, this was exactly the reaction he was looking for, and before she could finish her last word, he shot her again, knocking her down.

 

“Jesus Christ!” Cartman yelled.

 

That might have done it. Peridot’s vision was fading. She would awaken as a monster, having forgotten her friends. Her family. Her entire life, gone in an instant.

 

It was a fate worse than death.

 

Bannon stood over her, laughing. “I lied. I was never going to let you work with me.” He cocked the gun one last time. “Goodbye, Peridot.”

 

Peridot glared defiantly at Bannon, ready for the worst.

 

_ Think about your friends _ , she told herself.  _ Think about everything you’ve done, good or bad. Think about how far you’ve come. How you’re a better Peridot now than you were in your Kindergarten days. Think about how your friends, right at this moment, are undermining everything Bannon’s doing. How, even though you failed, Kenny’s going to stop the broadcast and save the Crystal Gems. _

 

_ Everything’s going to be okay. Steven, Garnet, Amethyst, Pearl, Lapis—they’ll all live to see the next sunrise. They’ll try to fix you, and even if they don't succeed, they’ll take care of you. They’ll be okay. _

 

_ You’ll be okay.  _

 

Peridot smiled. She was okay with this. “Do your worst,” she said, still staring Bannon directly in the eyes. 

 

Bannon pulled the trigger, but his shot missed. The beam of light hit near Peridot’s foot, as President Garrison had grabbed Bannon and was now holding him overhead.

 

“What the FUCK are you doing?!” Bannon yelled, panicked. 

 

“Fucking turn me into a puppet,” Garrison grumbled. “Telling me to sign executive orders and shit, making deals with fucking Russians and aliens behind my back, telling me to invade fucking Syria. Fuck you! You’re not the President, I am! I’ll fuck you to death!” Garrison tossed Bannon over the railing and into the pit leading to the reactor below. Bannon yelled as he fell further into the abyss. Soon, his screams were nothing, and he could no longer be seen.

 

Garrison drew heavy breaths as he sat down on the edge, staring at the abyss below. He stared at Peridot, who was looking back at him in shock.

 

“Corrupting Light launch in three minutes,” a computerized voice said.

 

Garrison’s eyes widened. “Oh, shit,” he muttered. He stood up and grabbed Peridot’s hand, helping her stand up as well. She groaned in pain, the over exertion taking most of her remaining energy. “Come on, we gotta go. There’s a bunker nearby we can hide you in.”

 

“We… we can't… we have to disable it…” Peridot said between pants. “We can't let… can't let it…”

 

Garrison signed. “I’m sorry Peridot, but the controls are linked to Bannon’s fingerprints. We can't deactivate it.”

 

“Do we know anyone who can hack it?” Cartman asked.

 

Suddenly, a muffled voice spoke up. Kenny had arrived, and following close behind him was Scarlett Johansson.

 

“Kenny!” Peridot said, trying to smile through the pained expression on her face. “Agh… what are you doing? You have to go back to the control room and—”

 

Kenny cut her off, explaining through his parka that Major Scarlett Johansson could hack the terminal. She went to go do just that. Just then, Lapis arrived, followed by Kyle, Stan, Butters, Randy, and the Crystal Gems.

 

“Peridot!” Steven yelled, running to hug his friend. “Are you alright?!”

 

“Steven! You… did you do it?”

 

Randy nodded. “Beach City is not under Member Berry control anymore. Where’s Steve Bannon?”

 

Garrison laughed. “Oh, he's gone.”

 

“Oh.” Randy was silent for a moment. “Do you know when he’ll be back?”

 

“Corrupting Light launch: deactivated.”

 

Everyone cheered as Scarlett Johansson hacked the computer. “Yaaaay…” Peridot said weakly. Suddenly, she felt a lot weaker, and fell onto her hands and knees. “I really don't feel good.”

 

Pearl shot Peridot a worried glance. “What did they do to you?”

 

Garrison shook his head. “Steve Bannon managed to create a smaller, localized version of the Corrupting Light. Peridot was his first test subject.”

 

Randy looked at Peridot, who looked ready to collapse. “So, is she…?”

 

Peridot waved off everyone’s concerns. “Psssh. I’ll be fine. Really. I just… need to… rest my eyes…” Peridot fully collapsed onto the floor, unconscious, amid everyone’s gasps.

 

To the gems’ relief, however, she didn't turn. She poofed, leaving only her gemstone behind.

 

“Oh my god!” Stan yelled. “They… condensed Peridot?”

 

“You… Bastards?” Kyle said, confused.

 

Garnet nodded. “She must have used up all of her energy fighting the corruption. She had to retreat into her gem to heal. But she’s tough. She'll be alright.”

 

Lapis sighed with relief, as did Steven. Steven, although he hadn't noticed, had started crying. Lapis picked up Peridot’s gemstone and examined it. “You’ve been through a lot,” she said. “Rest up.”

 

Garnet gestured for her friends to follow her. “Come on. Let’s get out of here. These kids need to get home. We can discuss everything that’s happened at Randy’s house.”

 

The group left, making their way back to South Park.


	11. Reformed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Epilogue.

A CNN field reporter stood in front of the construction site that would become the new and improved Big Donut restaurant in Beach City. Construction workers walked the streets and bulldozers and sky cranes were parked at several intersections. Many volunteers also walked the streets, mopping up what remained of the Member Berries. “After four long weeks, the Nostalgia Riots in Beach City have finally come to an end. Governor Carney has sent over a hundred state-employed construction workers and cleanup specialists to aid the town in the reconstruction process, and United States President Herbert Garrison has announced plans to provide an economic care package to the locals who were affected by the riots. Perhaps it’s too early to say, but it seems to this reporter, at least, that life in Beach City is finally beginning to return to normal. Mayor Dewey says that the tourism business in Beach City will resume operations as soon as the town has recovered from the millions of dollars in damage caused during the riots. He also will be opting not to press charges against Peridot, a resident of Sussex County who is believed to have instigated the riots one month ago.

 

“Peridot herself has not been seen in Beach City since reconstruction began, and although she holds no U.S. citizenship, President Garrison’s administration has announced they will NOT be pursuing deportation, and in fact will be DISBANDING K.U.N.T., the President’s recently-formed anti-immigration task force. This news comes at an incredibly crucial time for the President as he faces potential impeachment charges for his role in the Corrupting Light operation, which, the UN Security Council has agreed, would have constituted a major rights violation had it gone on as planned. For now, however, it seems the American people can rest easy as things are finally beginning to return to normal. This is Tom Pussylips with CNN, signing off.”

 

Peridot closed the tablet application that she was using to watch the news broadcast and sighed. She looked back up at her reflection and admired her new look. After the fight, she was so exhausted that she involuntarily retreated into her gem and was forced to regenerate. It took her several days to do so, which, according to Steven, was much, much longer than Amethyst, but also a little shorter than Pearl.

 

Speaking of short, Peridot had been disappointed to discover that no height was added on with the regeneration. She was still, legally speaking, a little person. At least she finally got her star. There was a knock at the door. “Come in,” she said as Randy entered the bathroom.

 

“How’re you liking the new look?” he asked.

 

Peridot turned around and stared at the reflection of her backside. “Did my jumpsuit always hug my butt so tightly?”

 

Randy shrugged. “Hey, uh, Mr. Garrison is downstairs. He wants to speak with you.”

 

Peridot and Randy returned to the Marsh family’s living room, where President Garrison was indeed waiting. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Kenny, Butters, and Steven were also hanging around, watching Terrance and Phillip, while Pearl discussed something with Sharon in the kitchen. Amethyst, having shapeshifted to look more like a dog, playfully chased Sparky around the room, and Garnet quickly entered the room to prevent a picture frame from falling off of the wall and landing on Kenny; Peridot chuckled, before leaning up against the wall and looking up at Mr. Garrison. 

 

“Hey, Peridot,” Garrison muttered. “Listen, we’ve got some things we need to discuss. Alone. You got a minute?” Peridot raised an eyebrow, but gestured to the backyard. Steven noticed the conversation and, when nobody was looking, slipped away to follow them outside. He stayed by the door, hoping they wouldn't notice while he eavesdropped just a tiny bit.

 

Garrison removed his toupee and sighed. “I don't think I need this anymore. Do you?”

 

Peridot shrugged. “Do what you want.”

 

Garrison discarded the toupee, then reached into his breast pocket. “You know, Peridot, a lot of crazy shit went down last week. Are you sure you’re okay?”

 

“I’m fine.”

 

“Alright.” He pulled a small remote out of his pocket and handed it to Peridot. “Here. Take this.”

 

Peridot stared curiously at the remote. “What is it?” she asked. 

 

“That’s… it’s a remote detonator,” Garrison explained. “It can launch the Corrupting Light from anywhere in the world.” Peridot’s eyes widened. Steven gasped quietly, and Garrison continued. “I’m not going to tell you what to do with it. That’s entirely up to you. The tower’s been re-calibrated, and now it’s facing what we believe to be Homeworld’s galaxy.”

 

“So… it wouldn't affect anyone on Earth.”

 

Garrison shook his head. “If you decided to fire it, none of the Crystal Gems would feel the effects. This would purely be a retaliatory measure against Homeworld. I don't think my administration deserves to hold this decision. So I’m giving the remote to you. Do with it what you wish.”

 

Peridot thought about it. She could… take out Homeworld, right here. Earth would be safe from them once and for all. Her mission on Earth would be complete, and she and the rest of the gems could finally live out normal, Earthling lives without fearing invasion.

 

She snapped the remote in two. “If I launched this right now, I would be no better than they are,” Peridot muttered. “Steven told me his mother did some… not so great things during the war. Pearl says she did what she had to do to protect Earth. I think that’s bull. Every other Crystal Gem is trying to follow Rose Quartz’s example, but I’m not going to follow Rose Quartz’s example if the example she set involved committing atrocities like this.” A thought briefly crossed her mind. “Don't tell Steven I said that.”

 

Steven smiled, then returned to watching Terrance and Phillip with the boys.

 

Garrison sighed. “I imagine you’ll want the tower dismantled, then?”

 

“And the original Corrupting Light device destroyed. Or, at least, given to me so I can bubble it and keep it somewhere nobody can get to it.”

 

Garrison nodded. “I’ll have my people get to work.”

 

“Thank you, Mr. President.”

 

Garrison started to walk away. “You know, Peridot… I think you’d make a much better President than I do.” With that, he left Peridot alone. She sighed and walked back into the house. Lapis greeted her.

 

“What did he want?” she asked. Peridot shrugged. 

 

“Nothing important,” she lied. “So! What’s next on the agenda?”

 

“Agenda? We don't HAVE an agenda,” Lapis scoffed. “The Member Berries are gone, just relax for a bit.”

 

Peridot bit her lip. “You know, Lapis, I know the Member Berries really did make you feel better. I’m sorry things turned out the way they did.”

 

“It’s… whatever,” Lapis sighed. “They were just some talking grapes.”

 

“Still!” Peridot said. “They made you happy.”

 

“You make me happier.”

 

Peridot smiled at that. Pearl entered the room, followed by Sharon. “I still can't believe the berries had such a tight grip on people.”

 

“I can,” Kyle reasoned. “It makes sense.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

Kyle explained. “You know, guys? I’ve learned something through all of this. For the last two months, we’ve treated nostalgia like some evil force that controls our thoughts, actions, and emotions, but the truth is that the Member Berries only control us if we let them.” He smiled at Lapis. “Lapis knows now how dangerous nostalgia really is. But that doesn't mean she has to throw it all away. Sometimes, you just gotta look back on the good times to get yourself through a really shitty time.

 

“But we also can't forget the shitty times. If we forget the shitty times, we’re only going to remember the good times, and we’ll be afraid to create new memories and just stay stuck in the past forever. I think, if people can learn to take nostalgia in moderation, and we don't all go the route of J.J. Abrams or Bruno Mars and take our fondness for the past too far, the Member Berries could have a place in this world after all.”

 

Stan smiled. “Yeah!”

 

The whole group seemed to agree that nostalgia, in moderation, could be a good thing. Pearl looked over at Randy. “You know, Randy, you really did help us out of a pickle. You, and your son, and his friends might have helped save the planet. I know I said I don't like looking back at the past, but Kyle is right. Nostalgia, in small amounts, isn't a bad thing. You were a very good friend, long ago, and you still are. If you—or anyone else in this room—ever find yourself in Beach City, you’re welcome to stay at the temple with us.”

 

Randy smiled. “Likewise. South Park and the Crystal Gems might be totally different, but that doesn't mean we’re totally incompatible. I’ll be sure to visit, sometime.”

 

Garnet nodded. “And I’m sure Steven Universe would like to come back to South Park sometime, too. When the world isn't in turmoil, that is.”

 

Steven laughed. “Haha, why are we saying my full name now? ...guys?”

 

That night, everyone ate dinner at the Marsh house (or, in Pearl and Garnet’s case, sat at the table and watched). Peridot even tried out eating for the first time. She was not a fan. Struggling to swallow a bite of her steak, Peridot opted eventually to just spit the piece out into a napkin. “You know, guys,” she said, “there’s another lesson to be learned from this. Mr. Garrison is not qualified to run a country.” The table muttered in agreement. “Which is why I will be running against him in the next election.”

 

Stan’s face dropped onto his plate.


End file.
